FLTC, is there a way to put aside the past? You won't forget, but would it be easier to let it go???? It seems like Michelle has an article called, "Forgiveness is a gift you give YOURSELF". Not sure the article is appropriate because I haven't read it in years, but the title seems helpful. YOU did all you could do. You were never going to please your ex wife.
You are an amazing person to have lived through all you did and came out on top of the world. Your children are lucky to have you for a dad.
Haha. Well, we all knew she was a control freak. Same old, same old. Oh wait, that was old. LOL
I guess it's interesting to note for historical sake, and as a reminder of how much more balanced and wonderful your soon-to-be wife is. But definitely time to try and put away the past. Who wants all that baggage to carry around? Let your XW carry it lol.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Part of the issue is that I just want her to "GO AWAY", but everything has to be a massive control freak issue. More of the same old stuff. S12 bought a gumball machine for 2 bucks at a tag sale. XW tells him "You're not allowed to keep that at my house" (Really?), so I've got a 20 year old gumball machine (It's actually pretty cool) at my apartment.
She's done that with presents I've given my kids as well, like the University of ---(where she goes to College) SnowGlobe I got my D20 last year. She was not allowed to bring it to XWs house, even though that's her residence. "That has to stay at your FATHER'S" (Really?)
Every encounter with her has to be ridiculous. There is never a simple yes, no, black, white, up, down answer or response from her. Everything has to be "Untying the Gordian Knot". She can never give me a simple response. I want nothing to do with her, but with three kids, that's tough, but every issue, I feel like the brontosaurus in the tar pit!
Don't get me wrong, I'm in an awesome place, but she's such a nut ball!
Her control of S12 is ridiculous.
Check this one out! One time this summer, he was with his two sisters in the car with XW, and she made him hang up on me...ready ????.... "Because there wasn't enough conversation among everyone in the car".....Controlling enough? Mommy dearest? Joan Crawford-esque?
Kerry; great analogy, LMAO Raging Bull......"coffee, COFFEE....HOW LONG I GOTTA WAIT?!" or my favorite......
"Where's the meat? Bring it ova here! BRING IT OVA HERE! IT'S LIKE A PIECE A' CHACOAL! YOU OVERCOOK IT AND IT DEFEATS ITS OWN PURPOSE!" (What?)
2. Parenting plan specifies S12 is with me from 3PM until the next morning on Tuesdays, Thursdays and every other weekend. Nothing in there about me paying for his care from 8Am-3PM on thoise days if it's summer or XW is working.
3. Hockey is $3000/year. I agreed to pay half of that, but now I get bills for $17 for half the price of a sweatshirt for the team; $15 for half the price of a music book; ANYTHING extracurricular.
Here's some back and forth emails from her to me. WHAT'S YOUR TAKE ON HER ENDING LINE? I NEED TO GET OVER HER EMOTIONALLY? WHAT?
I never contact her, and I'm barraged by these emails from her all the time with her hand out.
I'm in the process of buying a new house and getting re-married.
HER:
Here are my latest expenses for the kids. The check to Br.... is all yours for the Tuesday 8/31 care for S12. Section O of the parenting plan.
We have a lot of unpaid/clear accounting from prior months. I haven't seen anything from you for the actuary for the QDRO and I am waiting for insurance payments for bill since may and beyond for example. And there are other payments that have not been paid in full.Please go through your bills/emails etc and let's get that cleared up. Thanks.
ME TO HER:
I will write a check for my portion of the medical and other expenses that you have attached. There is no provision in the parenting plan anywhere for me to provide any child care for S12 prior to 3PM on the days that I am scheduled to pick him up. It simply is not there. I'm not going to pay for 8/31 or any other day where he is with me after 3PM. I will also caution you about dropping him off at my work as you did in July. Once again, that's why you are given a substantial amount of compensation per month.
Secondly, although I agreed to pay for half of S12s hockey because that's a huge expense, nowhere in the divorce agreement is it written that I need to pay half of every minor extracurricular. If you can find it, please send it to me, because not one of the copies of the agreement do I have that.
Third, I realize that I have to pay half of the amount for a QDRO, but I simply will not tolerate, under any circumstances, a continual flow of legal bills so that you can tweak my pension numbers until you get to numbers that your finally happy with, as occurred during the divorce.
HER TO ME:
You can save attorney fees by following the agreement or by self representing but I need the money for your share of the expenses. I am contacting my attorney to follow up with yours about these.
You owe me for very old insurance claims, the actuary for the QDRO, other unpaid medical expenses and activities for the kids. If you are going to self represent please let me know that too.
Why can't you just get over all of the silliness and do what you should as a dad? You have to let go of your emotional tie to me, please, for your sake and most importantly the kids.
Okay here's my take on what is being asked of you:
Extracurricular activities: I would pay these but make her provide you receipts for all of them so that she just doesn't arbitrarily hit you up for expenses that she may not actually be valid. I have a daughter who is in competitive gymnastics which has significant fees and expenses that I split 50/50 with my STBXW. These expenses include apparel wear, i.e. team uniforms, warm-ups etc. After all these things are also for your kids and really when it comes down to it if you don't then you end up with your XW possibly telling your kids "Sorry Junior you can have a team sweatshirt because Daddy refuses to pay for it." Plus look at the economics of it - $17 for half a sweatshirt vs. $200+ hour legal expenses to fight it.
Child care. I'm not sure what state you are in but many states factor child care costs into the child support agreement. This is something I would get some counsel on from an attorney before I agreed or disagreed to pay.
She is full of it to think you have any emotional ties to her anymore. Her last paragraph was totally uncalled for, but it does remind you who you are dealing with - someone who is an a$$hole.
As for the kids extracurricular and activity expenses, I went through a bit of a butting of heads after the D was final. Nothing was in writing about who paid what in the judgement. However, there was one short exchange of 2 verbal sentences by both L's at the status hearing and it was transcribed by the court recorder. Her L asserted that I was to continue paying the extracurricular expenses and mine agreed.
So the way it worked out is I continue paying what I had been paying during the year long D process. Any increases or new activities could be negotiated or I could refuse. For instance, the violin lessons went up and I convince XW to cover the increase. I was also able to get her to handle the piano lesson expenses as well. She and OM got the kids into tennis lessons and she pays for that.
My advice is to pick your battles carefully. Maybe there does need to be some clarification as to financial responsibilities. I wrote out some post D agreements on my own and XW and I both signed them and forwarded to the L's for their records. You are dealing with a much more hostile XW and you may want to suggest the use of a mediator to save money in getting some agreements worked out.
The only emotional tie you have to her is dislike. Unfortunately, she knows how to use it.
You have to get better about not reacting to her. Adopt a "you wish I cared" attitude.
She's got years of experience at what gets under your skin and she's not afraid to use it. So you gotta grow thicker skin, be a moving target.
I would agree that paying for half a sweatshirt is cheaper than fighting with Ls involved, but she has a tendency to push boundaries.
Whatever gets decided get it in writing.
E.g. maybe just sign something that says you will split current extracurricular expenses in half, with receipts. But that new activities must be discussed.
I would say that in theory this is no different than when you were married because couples should discuss and make financial decisions jointly, but if I recall correctly you just gave her the money. Guess it's a big adjustment for both of you.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
My initial reaction was for you to write her an email with the largest font available:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
OK, not a good plan.
But what you do have is UNallocated support (which is very, very good for you and sucks for her - you get to deduct it on your tax return, while it is all income for her, and therefore, she must pay taxes on it).
Another possible response to her:
"I fulfill the requirements of our agreement. Please highlight the sections of the agreement pages that you find that I have to reimburse you for, if you think there may have been an oversight. If there is an old bill or something else that you feel needs to be 'caught up' with, send me a copy of such, as well."
Be a broken record - don't buy into or respond to her last paragraph of delusional thinking.
I learned an incredible phrase here that I have used until my ex finally realized what my boundaries were and started to respect them: "That (whatever crazy demand they have) doesn't work for me."
If I am in a generous mood, I might even provide a counter-proposal. Otherwise, he is sh*t out of luck and will have to take it up with someone who cares.
Then you occasionally buy your son a team sweatshirt (or similar example).
I don't expect a thing from him for the kids outside of the agreement. This summer, my S got a job working at Boy Scout camp. Our agreement calls for both parents to split the costs of summer camp up to a certain cap. S was being paid, but had to buy uniforms (about $230) to wear for the job. I sent his father the expense, but was told that "clothing is part of the child support I pay you." Without another word to him or my S, I just paid the bill.
