My third thread, heavy on exposing H & OW is just gone.
Kinda crappy, as I reread it for the perspective, clarity and advice given. I had no idea that the forum was down so that certain threads could be removed.
I've registered @ marriagebuilders, AA is over there.
I have no regrets about exposing H's A to our friends and family. H plans on D'ing me to be w/OW anyway - got the papers 3 months ago. H was introducing OW as new gf 3 weeks after he forced me out of the house.
The thing exposing did in my case was confirm what everybody already suspected. It hasn't ended H's A, it didn't force the D filing. Appears that what actually did force the issue was OW. H & OW appeared to be fighting heavily for the 3 weeks prior to my getting served. I believe that would have happened whether or not I exposed.
It is forcing H to be somewhat accountable for his actions. H tried to lay all the blame on me for the breakdown of our M. Nowhere in there did H mention that his initial reason for wanting D was b/c of A & OW.
M & H: 40 M: 5.5 T: 7.5 OW: 7/09 Bomb: 9/09 Sep: 3/10 H files 7/10
The afffair is a result of poor judgements and the fear of turning back and facing the music. sometimes it easier for the guilty parties to move on. I think mine will pick that route. You just have to try and get stronger everyday and know it was not you...
I know that I have learned that there is nothing you can do to make your H see what he is doing is wrong. Like Rondo said, it is easier to hide in the A than to face an ugly truth about himself.
The A is about running from responsibilities. The A is not about anything you did. He will only work toward saving the M when he is ready to be an adult and face consequences. You just keep doing positive things for YOU.
Honestly, even if your were the b*tch from he!!, the ADULT path would be to talk to you about your behavior towards him and why it was making him unhappy. To simply run away and have an A, not the adult thing to do.
H32 Me32 together:10 M:5 No kids ILYBINILWY 7/28/10 OW found 8/15 A exposed 8/31 I Move 9/3 Dark 10/1
Hope your still gonna come here too and not pick up and move to MB.
Keep in touch. gr8
go phils! must have been rocking down there last night!
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
As of now, I've just contested. Meaning H can't d me until mid 2012 at the earliest. At that point, if A is still going on, it will be the end of year 3.
When my L contact H's L to respond to the request to accept the D papers, the first line was that I knew H was having A. Second line was I do not want D, will consider R if A is ended. H's L responded that H wants D. No mention of A. In person, H says to me that his L says A "doesn't matter". WTF ever, H.
I'm trying to figure out what I want to do next. There is no way I'd take H back at this point, in this condition. In that respect, it makes sense to just D now and be done with it. The possibility exists that H could snap out of it, and start doing the things necessary to try to repair all the damage. Possible, not probable. I don't know if I have it in me to forgive H and move past this. I will forgive H for my own sanity, but I don't know if I can ever be w/H again.
On the other hand, part of me thinks that since OW and H have made incredibly painful, life-altering decisions for me, completely w/o my consent, that I should return the favor. OW & H want each other so f*&king bad, they can have one another ON MY TERMS. I feel like this decision was made for me by OW (seemed like there was heavy duty fighting between them for a few weeks before H filed); H may have (or not) been dragged along for the ride. I feel like since I'm the one M'd to him, the decision on whether or not to D is one that we make w/o OW's input. Once that c&^t is out of the picture, then the 2 of us can have this conversation.
It's not costing me any $$$ to wait (not at this point). My L told me that he has cases where it's been 5+ years since initial filing and the couple is still M'd. It may also make sense financially for me to wait. I have to discuss that w/my L.
At this point, I'm just standing. I've been in this for over a year, no point pulling the trigger prematurely. Thinking about this retrospectively, maybe I should have filed immediately on grounds of A. That might have made H snap out of it.
M & H: 40 M: 5.5 T: 7.5 OW: 7/09 Bomb: 9/09 Sep: 3/10 H files 7/10
I know that I have learned that there is nothing you can do to make your H see what he is doing is wrong. Like Rondo said, it is easier to hide in the A than to face an ugly truth about himself.
The A is about running from responsibilities. The A is not about anything you did. He will only work toward saving the M when he is ready to be an adult and face consequences. You just keep doing positive things for YOU.
Honestly, even if your were the b*tch from he!!, the ADULT path would be to talk to you about your behavior towards him and why it was making him unhappy. To simply run away and have an A, not the adult thing to do.
Yup. Absolutely. H still tries to say that I pushed him away from me & toward OW. That's a bunch of hooey! Every time he tries that excuse I refute it. Every time he tries to offer any excuse, I refute it. H's A is about H, H's lack of responsibility to me & M, H's selfishness.
Wtf? I was M'd to H, so I was also aware that the M was in trouble. Suggested to H that we do something about it. H blew it off; b/c he was already having A, I just didn't know it yet. I was just as unhappy as H. Instead of f&*king some guy, I tried to fix it. That's the big diff between H & me. I maintain accountability & responsibility for the things I do/don't do.
M & H: 40 M: 5.5 T: 7.5 OW: 7/09 Bomb: 9/09 Sep: 3/10 H files 7/10
I'm in a similar place as you. I fully expect to get papers by the end of the month, and am now in the place where I have to decide if counterfiling using the grounds of adultery is worth it. Monetarily, it doesn't make sense because I'd be spending so much on the lawyer and not getting anything out of the divorce, but morally I want it known that the marriage couldn't be saved because H was having an affair.
Like you, I tried to fix things and like your H, mine claims to have tried but really, he didn't. I suspect there was at the very least an EA already going on because each night he went to bed early and made sure to bring his cell phone with him.
Last edited by Mystik; 10/08/1009:45 PM.
New thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2112303
I'm in a similar place as you. I fully expect to get papers by the end of the month, and am now in the place where I have to decide if counterfiling using the grounds of adultery is worth it. Monetarily, it doesn't make sense because I'd be spending so much on the lawyer and not getting anything out of the divorce, but morally I want it known that the marriage couldn't be saved because H was having an affair.
Like you, I tried to fix things and like your H, mine claims to have tried but really, he didn't. I suspect there was at the very least an EA already going on because each night he went to bed early and made sure to bring his cell phone with him.
I'm inclined to agree w/you. That behaviour is suspicious, especially in light of the fact that you later learned he was having a PA.
As for my H, he never even claimed that he tried to fix it. He told one of my friends that we just grew apart & changed too much. He omitted the part that the reason we grew apart was b/c he was boning a whore behind my back. H is still caught up in blaming the whole demise of the M on me.
There was a point in the beginning of the year where H said to me that he was thinking about what he may have contributed to the breakdown of the M. I asked him what that was, but he became hostile & told me it was none of my business!
As for me counter filing under A, I'm standing firm on this. H ended M due to A. H filed irretrievable breakdown - as if we just couldn't get along or something. H & I know that the real reason is A. I have no intention of letting H off the hook. He did it, he needs to own it. The whole pattern is indicative of a larger pattern of H shirking responsibility.
I allowed H to steam roller all my boundaries over the course of the R/M. Now I'm unwilling to do it.
M & H: 40 M: 5.5 T: 7.5 OW: 7/09 Bomb: 9/09 Sep: 3/10 H files 7/10
