Matilda, She has mentioned that she is concerned about not being able to take a vacation for a year, with the start of a new job. She also wanted the Puerto Rico trip to be in July, so she could be working by now. Other than that, she doesn't say a thing.
My W is aware in a general sense of the financial situation. She knows that she has to return to work to some extent. I think for now I'll look for opportunities to talk about it and offer my assistance, such as one hour per week of working on her resume, or writing cover letters. I think once she gets started, she'll feel better. I'm better at organizing time than she is, so that may be part of the problem. The bills are getting paid, but it's a paycheck to paycheck existence, so must be temporary.
I agree with your advice , that we must partner together on this problem, and that I shouldn't be passive-aggressive or controlling about it. I also agree that a part-time job is probably a better fit for her than a full-time one, but she has to decide. CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Tell me, what kinds of conversations have you had, around her working? And, what was her history... do you have children she's been caring for? Could fear be behind her procrastination? What kinds of marketable skills does she have? Is she in need of new or re-training?
Also, I think a lot of people just don't know 'how' to go about finding a job.
FMV, The conversations have been brief and limited. They will need to expand. I will need to pursue this topic with her, when the opportunity arises. I don't want to push her to do something she's not ready for yet.
There are no children involved.
She has a graduate degree in business. She has a job history in the Accounting field, the social services field as a caseworker, and most recently as a small business counselor (which she loved). I don't think there's any need for going back to school. She is quite marketable IMO.
If left to herself, the proacrastination will continue. She always needed the assistance of myself or a relative to organize her and move her forward.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I don't think there's any need for going back to school. She is quite marketable IMO.
You're not kidding!! If there's no children involved, then I'm a little confused. And if this is private by all means, I don't need to know. What led her to leave the job market, in such a significant way?
Originally Posted By: Concerned_Listener
The conversations have been brief and limited. They will need to expand. I will need to pursue this topic with her, when the opportunity arises.
Yes, I can see where you're coming from. Just be sure to stick to those 'I' messages and speak from your own experience as you do so well, and I'm sure everything will eventually turn out well. I'm just so surprised at her procrastination... she's obviously very well qualified and must have an impressive skill set!
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
I'm sitting on a computer at a resort in northern Florida the day before the dance convention. Our instructors are expected to arrive today. Our first performance is Friday afternoon. My W and I arrived early to have some free time alone.
I notice how much calmer my W seems. She is not as reactive as she used to be, and is more pleasant to be around, even with the stressor of her partial unemployment. I think she's trying and struggling. She struggles with her moods, anxiety, smoking, and insomnia.
I struggle with staying with a loving, accepting mindset in spite of the imperfections, but I'm trying. I struggle everyday and often. I try to talk with her more often, instead of staying in my own world. I try to think more like a partner.
She had been complaining about this and that about the trip until we settled in last night. I kept quiet, and let her speak her mind without having to control what she thought or said, or judge her for having her opinions. This is my effort to break my own patterns that cause problems for me and the R.
I think there is something positive here at this dance convention for both of us to grow. It seems right being here.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
My W and I are back from the dance convention. We both seem to think that the trip went smoothly.
She mentioned to me recently that she sent me an email about being nice to her. I haven't received it. I was hoping to read it so I can see what she specifically is asking for. She is very sensitive to my words and mood, so must be careful of what comes out of my mouth. It's impossible to be perfect, so I try to be nice most of the time.
She mentioned that she plans on attending a job-hunting club soon. She's been unemployed for three months. I was wondering how I could influence her to begin job-hunting, but I'll wait for now and let her go at her own pace, since she is making plans.
I've been missing going to my weekday ballroom venue to practice, opting instead to going to an exercise class with her. She mentioned recently that she has an interest in going to that venue after our exercise class, so the problem may be taking care of itself.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
My W had a birthday dance at our Salsa venue this week. The floor is cleared for only those with birthdays, and people line-up to dance briefly with them. I wasn't there last year, but danced with her this year, and did a Sway Dip that caught the eye of one of the teachers, who high-fived me as I came off the floor. It was a good experience for her, and she was glad she stayed for it.
People in the dance community are noticing my W and I together on a consistent basis, and have assumed correctly that we are travelling together. Some know our marital status, and many do not. Some lady's take advantage during a dance to ask me a personal question about my relationship status. I don't want to discuss my marriage with woman on the dance floor . I'll have to work on a response to be polite but dismissive. People can see that we're together; that's all they need to know.
My W is putting effort into managing her emotions, and has been easier to be with. She is naturally temperamental, so I give latitude for that, and she does lapse into losing her temper sometimes, but this has been fewer and farther between.
I've agreed to a Puerto Rico trip in late winter or early spring. I've also agreed to a weekend trip to a ballroom dance convention next month that is only a few hours from where we live. My W seems to need getaways to look forward to.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
It is hard to get a read on you but to me as a reader, you seem even keel, perhaps to a fault. Do you think she might be temperamental to try get some feedback out of you? I am sort of like you and also have a "temperamental" latin wife. I recall her once saying, almost in tears, won't you just fight with me! She was serious. She wanted to see some fire, some response. Food for thought.
Along the same lines of be super even keel
Quote:
She mentioned that she plans on attending a job-hunting club soon. She's been unemployed for three months. I was wondering how I could influence her to begin job-hunting, but I'll wait for now and let her go at her own pace, since she is making plans.
You may point out to her that recognize, appreciate, and admire, her taking the initiative on this. It may go a ways toward making her feel like you are more a partner and supporting her...or at least it will make a few minutes of good will. This is something she had been asking for (the partner part).
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
It is hard to get a read on you but to me as a reader, you seem even keel, perhaps to a fault. Do you think she might be temperamental to try get some feedback out of you? I am sort of like you and also have a "temperamental" latin wife. I recall her once saying, almost in tears, won't you just fight with me! She was serious. She wanted to see some fire, some response. Food for thought.
DNO, Your point is well taken. The problem is my W gets her feelings hurt if I display anger or frustration, so I hold back emotion. Maybe I don't know how to be emotional and respectful. She seems to want me to be nice, but also be present, conversational, affectionate, listening. She can be temperamental, but I'm not allowed to be. This seems to be the unspoken rules. She doesn't want avoidant, distant, sullen, silent, selfish.
I will be supportive of her job-hunting efforts, and let her go at her own pace, as long as she's moving forward.
She's been seeing her psychiatrist 1-2X per month lately. She shares some of what she talks about. She's been talking with him about the OP that she spent so much of last year with. Her psychiatrist has been describing him as a troubled, manipulative, selfish person. My W seems to talk about this as if this is a revelation to her. She doesn't speak about her role in that R. She seems to be emotionally moving on from him.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
