2 years later it's still not getting easier

[LauraOh]

Hanging in there WP. I am still DBing. Ever read any of Gucci's stuff? I am finding his words to be more in tune to my sitch--I have tried the "being nice" and it doesn't get me anywhere.

But being tough and strong and not taking his BS? Has been getting me some very interesting results. And sometimes it's quite funny!

I do have to say though--a lot of the veterans think this really isn't a R to save. My H is just....spiritually he is bankrupt. He has always been moody and negative. Always benn hypercritical. Always filled with false pride. I wanted him bad when I first met him. I can't get up that kind of desire for him, and without it...I know I kept things together all these years and he was just along for the ride....

My dad died a 2 weeks ago. He wasn't great, but he wasn't too bad either. People just do their best I guess. This world is not perfect. The funeral was Sunday and someone came out of the woodwork and has expressed interest in me. I am floored, flattered, and repulsed all in the same instant.lol. But for once I thought....maybe there could be someone else that would be a better fit someday...

It's crazy, isn't it? Love your kids to pieces. Learn to text (that is coming next!!) It is wonderful to send my S a message any time I want to (and my H doesn't do texting!!lol. )

And no matter what--it doesn't hurt to leave them with a few truth darts to ponder....

[whitneypinch]

Hi LO,

I am soooo very to hear of your father's passing.
Sometime's when I think of my kids it makes me so sad to know that one day I too shall pass. My kids will be devastated as I am so close with them and we do everything together.

You know...I have to tell you something. I USED to be exactly the same as your husband. I am not kidding ! It took losing my family for me to change everything. People can change but it usually takes a life altering event to make them want to change. Sometime they never change.

I too have been on some dates but all it does is make me miss my family and the life I used to have.

I have a question for you. I just got a text from my ex asking if I could drive the kids to school on Monday morning. My ex has an early meeting.
Normally I jump at the opportunity to see my kids any extra time. I am wondering if I should start to say no to my ex when she asked about these favours?
Thoughts?

[LauraOh]

WP, when you tell me you were like my H, I don't know what direction you should be going--I hope you understand.

My H lost all respect for me when I made my weak attempt to straighten him up. He cried, begged a little, and I quickly forgave him and with no work on his part at all, he was "back".

And worse than ever. I wonder....if your W didn't save you ultimately. Because my H is truly a miserable person. And I think hates me for not being stronger.

My fist instinct was to tell you to do something different (and send her a quick mysterious "Sorry, can't do it this Monday").

[whitneypinch]

I spoke to a few of my divorced friends about the Monday request just to hear what they had to say.
The concensus was to drive the kids for 2 reasons. 1) it's an opportunity to see my kids. 2) there will be a time when I will need to call upon her to help me out with the kids.

Notice, I am not doing this to try to be the nice guy. I am just doing it for reasons that suit me.

As far as what direction I should be going......I just try to work on being more appreciative and compassionate. To not be affect by others and do the best I can. That is a huge change from where I used to be.

Again, all we can do through all of this is GAL and move forward the best we can.

We little girl phoned me this morning and asked if I would come to her street party today. How can I say now to my little girl.

[missmyfriend]

It doesn't sound like it is "over". Be patient. Be loving without expectations of anything being returned in kind. You are still fighting for your entire family.

[whitneypinch]

Thanks for the reply, I appreciate it.

Who knows what will happen?
Last week she told me she does not love me the way she needs to and the way I need her to, to get back together.
This week we had a major conflict with my daughter at school. My XW and I went and met with the principle. We ended up emailing each other at length about values and how we are raising our children.
Here is what my EX wrote:
"When stuff like this comes up, and even yesterday with the principle, it reaffirms for me that you and I are on the same page. We share the same concerns and the same values for the kids and we approach things in very much the same way. Thank goodness for all of that. We really are great parents and we really do have great kids!!!

((((Me))))"

So yes, I continue to solider on.

[missmyfriend]

I could be completely wrong but it appears that she is looking for confirmation that she has chosen the right course. Her concern with her being viewed as a good parent seems to be important to her. And the fact that she was seeking to have you recognize that (or otherwise she wouldn't be voicing it to you) would make it appear that it is important what you think about her. She probably already thinks you are a great parent with it being important that you are raising the kids together.

I read once that the chance of a marriage reconciliation is over when both parties decide to give up.

I respect that you continue to soldier on. Your kids will know how much their father loves their mother by the courage you are showing.

[whitneypinch]

The truth is I wanted to say to her:
"Good parents stay in a committed marriage since statistics show that children of divorce are more likely to have a lot of problems when they get older. (this was a quote another poster suggested to me).

My XW was feeling closer to me. That is why she ended the email with hugs.
I figured it was not a time to lay into her so I took the kind/compassionate route.
This is what I wrote:
I am glad you have feelings like that. It makes me feel closer to you.

The truth is what makes me feel closer is not that we share similar views...it's that we care enough to talk to each other and work through things. It means a lot to me. Open communication are the key to everything and can solve anything. Sometimes in life people are scared to openly communicate for fear of the response they might get.
I will always listen."

You have to understand that in the past I would never listen. We did not have 2 way communications at all. It usually was me pushing my opinion.

As the saying goes..."you can't change anyone's mind. They are on their own journey and have to figure things out on their own".

I just try to be kind and compassionate. In life now, those 2 values are important to me.

[whitneypinch]

My kids know how much our family means to me. They know how much I value marriage and they know that I love their mother. That they know 100%.
They also know that their mother does not want to work on our family.

I am very, very close with my kids.

[missmyfriend]

You are correct that children are impacted by divorce. In my experience, I haven't seen kids that are impacted by divorce. Before this happened, my kids were quite different. They are still great kids but their opinions about marriage lasting has changed. They were pretty happy children and thought that mom and dad were very close.

I think they will be okay but the scars are there. I am hopeful that they will not repeat the mistakes that their mother and I have made.

Keep the faith buddy.