Thanks for your kind thoughts on my thread. Maybe, just maybe, you and I need to truly focus on ourselves-our personal selves- and less on how it affects or doesn't affect our H's.
I know you have kids at home and that takes a great deal of time and energy, BUT make that time for yourself. They are old enough to understand and help out. What is it you are interested in that H wasn't, so you gave it up? For me, truly, it was my friends. Except for the last two years when things were falling apart, I had very little to do with friends I'd had since school. Take a Zumba class. Take a boxing class ( that might come in handy) jog. Volunteer at the local hospital.
I know there is a world of things you liked and let go of because of your H. We all do. We call it compromise. They call it winning. It's not too late to plan a Halloween party, or to make plans to attend one, either. Dress sexy. Jessica Rabbit. I'd dress sexy for mine but I'm sure my grandchildren wouldn't understand.
You know what I mean. Last night I needed a kick in the a$$. I got one. Get out there and make some fabulous and slightly illegal plans. Have FUN.
So I was supposed to take S to the knee doctor today. Had asked H earlier in the week if we could begin to alternate dr. appt's with S. He said yes. So I took s on Monday, H took on Weds., so I was to take today.
H texts today that he is not going to miss today's appt. because S might have to have another surgery and be done playing ball and he wasn't going to miss it.
So S calls me and says "mom - don't go - I'll be alright - don't be around him" So I don't go. H texts me and says "sorry to hear you won't go - I think we need to get to the point where we are ok being around each other for the kids."
I reply - "I tried that in the beginning. I have too much to day to day to deal with to take care of what's left of our family. I don't make these decisions without input from the kids"
H - "I respect that. I still feel we need to move in that direction so the kids can get the best of both of us."
Me - "You have said that we are not our best when we are together. I am respecting your opinion. Please do not contact me anymore unless it is an emergency. Thank you"
H (later on) - fyi...i may be applying for car loans in my name today."
Me - "plural?? At this point isn't any debt considered both of our responsibilities?
H - "one car - if I do it in my name and it is after I have moved out and I agree to pay for it I think it would be my responsibility - i will take insurance too."
Me - "thanks for the information"
People - this man lives in la la land. I feel as if I am poisoned every time I hear from him. However, I have continued to not challenge him because I do not want to engage with sickness.
Am I handling this right? Someone once told me there are no "right" answers but there are "wrong" answers. Am I setting boundaries or poking the tiger?
Last edited by irishblessings; 10/08/1009:10 PM.
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
I wish I could give you an honest answer. Poking the tiger-to to my way of thinking. Wrong answer? Only insomuch as your name is not on the loan in any way, shape, form or fashion. Do you have an attorney yet? It's a good question for him. My D is going through this right now with her H. He bought a travel trailer, and even though her name is not on it, they keep hounding her about payments. Wish I had better advice.
Sorry, I misspoke. I meant to say Poking the tiger - NOT to my way of thinking.
Again, a thousand apologies, that is not what I meant to say at all. And this is coming from someone who doesn't poke the tiger. I give him a swift kick in the rear.
ME: 54 Him: 51 M: 20 years T: 21 years OW/New wife: 36 Sons & Daughters: 7 (ages 24-36) Bomb: March 4, 2010 He Filed: April 28, 2010 I Contested: May 1, 2010 Standing Down: 11/24/10 Divorced : 05/04/2011
Irish, here's the thing. When making a decision about how to deal with your h, it has to be what is best for you. It has to feel "right" to you. It doesnt matter how you think he might take it, or if he gets angry or whatever his deal is. What matters is you do what you feel comfortable with.
If it bothers you to speak with him, then dont. Not as a tactic, though, ya know?
I will tell you that from someone looking in from the outside you sound as if you are trying to make him feel guilty and that you are overwhelmed.
From a db standpoint, it's best to show him your strong self. It's also best to validate his feelings.
Aslo, I know that you were probably trying to get a point across. He doesnt hear you. He hears, ok there goes IB pointing fingers and not getting what I mean.
Here's what I've learned. I dont want my h or anyone for that matter to think I am not capable because I am.
So, maybe next time that he says we need to try to get past this so we could both be there for the kids, you dont answer his text or you text, Ok, I understand what you are saying.
The thing about going dark is you just do it. You dont tell him not to call you or contact you. You just live your life. If you feel like he texts you something that needs answering, you do. If you dont, you dont.
Going dark has to be because you need it.
And IB, in my state, any loans or debt h accrues as long as we are still married is half mine. Doesnt matter if I know about it, doesnt matter if its in his name. So please be careful here.
And here's how I always felt about this and my son. While it affects him without a doubt, it is between my h and me. And I always had my son's best interest in the back of my head. So when I was strong enough, I made it as easy on him as I could. And for him, that was having his father and I civil to each other whenever we are all together. And I have never, in three years, said a bad word about his dad.
I don't disagree with your feedback Brooklyn. There are definitely times in the past when I would have wanted him to feel guilty - that's not what I was wanting this time. What I really want is to demonstrate that I am strong and capable - but that I don't choose to be around him at this time.
I don't talk bad about him to the kids - or for that matter anyone else. What I really want is to just heal - to not be exposed to any of the b.s.
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
