H4L its not like you chose to be in an "abusive marriage" H changed it into one..
Hugs it cant be nice gaining the clarity that you are finding but at the same time its all moving on.. you have grown so much in the last eighteen months, keep looking forward to where you and little S are going..
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
THx everyone. I'm going over my entire line of threads for the past year - what an eye opener. I"ve been pretty PTSD all day - just a panicky, high-alert, highly sensitive freak out under the surface of it all. And reading back, I see why. It all makes sense now. No matter how much I empathizedw ith him, tried to see his side, give him the benefit of the doubt, work to better myself, it was days upon days upon weeks upon months of being verbally assaulted.
I realize no matter how broken I feel I must protect my son. He is such a ray of sunshine, he holds a lot of it inside. If I feel this awful under the surface, how does he feel?
The guilt I feel fighting for more custody is less than the guilt I have for not protecting him from his father's temper sooner. It was selfish of me to want to save my marriage while he was in the middle of so much rage and fighting.
I know he misses his dad, but he'll be better off in a clam environment where he gets a lot of attention and concern for his feelings.
Tonight I must outline my case, the way the abuse has progressed and affected us the past year +, and basically stand up for myself. Then the Lawyer will get it next week, fix it up, get it to the court.
Wish me luck it's terrible to have to relive all this stuff but good for me to put it on paper.
You did too belong here. How else do you think you got to a stronger place within yourself to be able to look more objectively at your R and see the abuse?
To be honest, when I started coming back here (to piecing) and read your first thread there, I was a bit horrified with what you described of your H. I would remind myself that we all have crucified our spouses here over stuff they have done to us (or we wouldn't be here to begin with), and that I couldn't just go off the bad stuff you posted just like I knew there was all the sides to my H that were different than the one that walked out on me.
I'm very glad you're seeing that the way he speaks/spoke to you is unacceptable a million times over. You don't make him like that. I don't care what you have done or said to him, there's nothing you can do to justify some of the stuff he's spit out at you.
Hang in there. I think about you every day. We're here behind you, ok?
Me38,H:38,S:7 Married:6/99 Bomb:7/04 Sep.:5/05 D Filed:3/08;Final 1/10 Piecing:11/09 H moved back:09/10 Current thread: http://tiny.cc/htcty
Freckle, I am so glad to hear from you tonight! I was thinking of you all day. I am going through all my db threads as a record of what I have gone through the past year + - to write my request for an injunction with the court - and there you were, along with Rabbit, rr, Kalni, Alice, Laurah Oh and others faithfully supporting me, always responding, always helping.
I can't thank you enough - I have tears as I write this.
REading back I too am horrified. I can't believe I couldn't get objective enough to see what was going on - and it must have been really hard for you all to read my threads day in and day out. However, you are right, I see progress throughout, a slow building strength and perspective and all because I had my DB "team" out there, you as one of the longest standing.
I can't thank you enough for all the support you have given me and how you never stopped caring and writing. I only hope someday I can return the support to you or someone else. I wish I could meet you and give you a big hug.
Well back to reading the threads - I have to sort out patterns, specific dates of bad abuse, and state my requests. It's slooooow going but I will have an outline for the lawyer tomorrow or the next day and they can write it in formal form.
Even if I don't win more custody I at least have had the chance to look over my life of the past year and realize I have been abused. I don't know why I don't believe it half the time. I can see the pattern and start to build a new life where I tell myself every day I deserve better and being independant is better than being yelled at. I can start to build healthier boundaries.
I guess there was revenge for yesterday. S6 was resisting this morning – having tantrums and not wanting to eat, brush teeth , get dressed, etc. WHs tands there and and starts using a “sensitive voice” “what’s the matter buddy?” and stands there and doesn’t help. Has a sneer on his face. Says “When he’s with me everything is fiiiiiiiiine. I don’;t know what’s going on here.” I felt insulted. I clammed up before I defended myself but I let a zinger slip “That’s because when it’s with you it’s Disney Dad syndrome.” And he starts going on at me but I walk away.
Yesterday he was mad because S was telling him he was tired and H insisted on taking him 20 miles away to an apple farm. I started to ask S to comprimise with dad, WH tells me to stay out of it. I ask H to show me that he's listening to S and comprimising and he refused. He also refused to tell me when he would be back with S. So I basically held S until H would agree to be home by dinner.
And of course they were home by 3:30. So this morning was my punishment for that.
Ps this all got in the way of my NC plan. I wanted to have S ready for school so I could be in my room with the door shut when H arrived to pick him up. Yesterday I broke my NC rule because he was scaring me by being vague with the schedule and did not solidify through email.
Hey Hope! You sound amazing and you are right--the abusive marriage just CAN'T be saved--I am as "dark" now as possible with my H--won't speak to him, won't eat what he cooks, etc. He complains like a whiney baby I don't "talk" to him--oh well!!
I am having a ball GAL. I have some scared moments with the D and lawyers and all, but overall I know I'd rather be homeless than deal with this nonsense any longer.
Stay strong and do the right thing for your precious S 6!!
