didn't argue with her at all about her mom. The one thing I've learned in life is that you never disagree with a woman about their mother...
OK, so you know you can't change her feelings about her mother. Her history with her mother colors their interactions, so I'm guessing they are stressful interactions sometimes?
Now, do you think her mother ever agrees with her about these feelings, or does she argue with her about them?
Just trying to show how this works generally. Even strained family relationships can heal if the dynamic shifts and one of the parties deviates from the script.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
Do I want them to change? Of course! All of us here would like our spouses to love them again.
then give her what she wants, agree with her, validate her feelings, take all the pressure off her, let her pursue you
You act like the WAS. My point earlier about when FMV was when did she start making the healthy changes for herself? AFTER THE BOMB.
Pinhead you are making huge progress. I can read it in your posts and post to others. Once you let go of the outcome it becomes so easy to just focus on doing what you need to do for you. Making goals keeps you focused. Plan for parallel outcomes. Decide to arrive a better man regardless of the outcome. You can handle it.
I know this, it's just that what works in piecing seems like it should be different than getting her to work on the relationship. That's naive I guess. It's hard to know what's okay when she's a WAW but detrimental when she's here.
And in a way, I am the WAS right now. I'm torn between giving up and moving on to the next chapter of my life without her, or sucking it up and making it work though I have big reservations about our relationship.
didn't argue with her at all about her mom. The one thing I've learned in life is that you never disagree with a woman about their mother...
OK, so you know you can't change her feelings about her mother. Her history with her mother colors their interactions, so I'm guessing they are stressful interactions sometimes?
Now, do you think her mother ever agrees with her about these feelings, or does she argue with her about them?
Just trying to show how this works generally. Even strained family relationships can heal if the dynamic shifts and one of the parties deviates from the script.
Her mother has Alzheimer's, and is in a home. So there's not going to be any resolution for my W there. But I get your point about arguing vs. validation.
You are not in piecing. Your wife isn't all in. Common mistake. If you do piecing right you will go thru a "second honeymoon" stage.
Quote:
I am the WAS right now.
Then let your actions show her.
Four stages I've read here quoted from DB coaches:
- get rid of negative feelings
- become friends again
- rekindle the romance
- re-commit to the marriage
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
You are not in piecing. Your wife isn't all in. Common mistake. If you do piecing right you will go thru a "second honeymoon" stage.
Quote:
I am the WAS right now.
Then let your actions show her.
Four stages I've read here quoted from DB coaches:
- get rid of negative feelings
- become friends again
- rekindle the romance
- re-commit to the marriage
I knew this was coming; though I didn't want to admit it was true. And I have those four stages printed out and on my cubicle wall. We're both still stuck at the first phase, and you can't skip a step!
So I have to either leave or get her to leave. Or make her think I'm done. Sigh... back to where I was a month ago.
So I have to either leave or get her to leave. Sigh... back to where I was a month ago.
No that is not the first step.
1- Get rid of negative feelings.
How do you change feelings?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Phew... glad to hear that. Had a very good, very Honeymoon like time in Hot Springs.
You have been holding out on us, huh?
Good for you.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
