Ok, I found it. I will stick with what I wrote though, whether he is in replay or depression he is out of his mind. You still must not change anything I have said.
As far as everything else you must control YOU and stay out of what you can't control.
Can you seperate your name from the credit card?
Everything he is doing is CONTROLLING, that is standard behavior for someone that is depressed.
No I can't separate my name from the card. I already tried a long time ago. The only way to get him to pay 1/2 and to be responsible for being on time is if we get a legal separation and my L said that it is $750 just for the master's fees and that our county doesn't like legal separation. They would just rather go for the D. I don't have that kind of money anyway.
So now I have NO clue what to do about the card and him not paying. NC means not texting him and reminding him again this month, which is the only time I do contact him anymore. Any advice?
Last time I texted him saying "H, loan is past due and if we don't pay it today we will be charged fees. Thanks W"
Thanks Lance. I don't want to do anything but I don't have a choice this month. But I thought of a way but this is contact also isn't it for next month.....what do you think?
I could forward the statement (copy) and mail it again like I was doing after the first year of separation. H got mad when I did this though because he said he didn't need to be reminded when we were still speaking off and on.....I think it got him mad in a way cause I wouldn't call or text him just send it. But this time with NO note or anything anymore this time.
No I can't separate my name from the card. I already tried a long time ago. The only way to get him to pay 1/2 and to be responsible for being on time is if we get a legal separation and my L said that it is $750 just for the master's fees and that our county doesn't like legal separation. They would just rather go for the D. I don't have that kind of money anyway.
Goodfight, WelI, last I posted to you was in April I think. Just wanted to stop by to check up on you and give you a pep talk. But this is going to be a long one. GF, From what I'm reading here, other than minor changes in forms of communication, like texting versus the phone, it looks as if You have done virtually nothing different in your inner work,or to create a HAPPY future without h, since you first posted.
Sweetie, you are STUCK, and that's b/c it's STILL almost all about HIM!!
It's still all about what or Why HE might be doing/feeling/planning to do, OR it's whether he's in "MLC", MLC 'replay' OR is he a WAS vs MLC vs OW, and if so, what does that mean? OR if he's in a "stage" of either of those AND whether he'll come back (as if we know "the secret" that tells us what % chance there is)
OR it's about whether he's only dealing with Clinical depression, OR if he's got the Wrong medication OR the wrong diagnosis OR it if changed, OR about his childhood issues, OR it's about his evil family AND OR how they might feel about you AND OR how that might "make" HIM feel about you, OR it's about how your h might hurt the kid's feelings (again), OR it's about how bad and tight money is b/c: he's so unpredictable that you don't know if you'll be able to make ends meet, you cannot rely on him for child support or maintenance b/c you have no set amount or court order , and you don't earn enough as it is with a job and a half?...Sounds like you cannot afford to stay m to him.
As MANY have told you, His diagnosis, prognosis, or height, weight, childhood issues, medication, status as a WAS vs a MLCer in or out or replay OR whether he's a "flat earth society" member [b]make NO DIFFERENCE in what YOU must do. So you can stop ALL the endless questions none of us can answer. They truly do not matter. Your GAL and PMA plan have to be the same regardless of what HIS sitch is...do you get that? Don't you see that his "why?'s are Not relevant b/c your behavioral changes are necessary no matter what He's doing or feeling? Have you actually read the DB books? I'm not trying to be mean but have you? Some of the same cycling you do is just too much with too few steps forward. Time will reveal whether he changes but you may still NEVER understand what or why things happened. And So what? Life is short.
My h and I have reconciled now for a good 2+ years. I don't know why my h did what he did and I doubt he knows. I stopped caring. I only care about what IS and what will be created by us together. The past is over and you have to lose the scorecard and stop bringing up all the past injuries.
I don't mean that you are doing it to keep score of him, so much as you think it's to "understand the history" as if it's change something, but it keeps you stuck in the past and avoiding the choices you have got to begin making ASAP.
My biggest regret in my sitch is that I spent far far too much time obsessing about why my h was doing whatever he was doing, instead of creating my new life without h, and with my kids, living happily. I finally got there, but I wasted so much time in pain that was NOT necessary or fair to my kids. [/b] After 2 years in this exact same sitch, what terms have you two worked out? You say you are barely getting by, but you also say you cannot afford to divorce him b/c you cannot save up $750 to file, (Really? After this long?? If you wanted to file, you could file). Which is it? You cannot afford to stay married, sort of, OR you cannot afford to divorce OR you don't want to make a choice? (PLEASE NOTE---Not taking action IS a choice and it does have consequences. You are responsible for that).
His mood swings and nuttiness MAY be under the control of chemicals or misfiring synapses, or he's simply a moody WAS or MLCer...but why make your life and your kid's lives, completely subject to THAT?? Frankly I don't think it matters a lick WHY he's not there anymore. He's gone and has been for awhile. I filed for a separation but I did it not do it as a tactic, but b/c I had had enough, and ALL ELSE had failed. Plus I wanted to protect our assets before he "invested" them in a scheme of his hero's. I'd say in your shoes, you are doing the "feel like crap & wait" approach, and letting your kids do it too, for too long.
Why aren't you all living lives you want to live, with fun, happiness, laughter, new people in it, and NO nasty chaos? What's it going to take before you get SO sick and tired of feeling sick and tired, that YOU CHANGE your life?
Your children are in a precarious financial position and you're letting them hang out there with you on the limb with a very irresponsible, possibly sick but definitely UNavailable man, holding all the cards. You are so familiar with chaos and stress that you "WAIT AROUND" hoping and stressing and pining and worrying...and not changing a damn thing in your life.
Take some power back. Stop letting him and his weird mood swings affect every member of your household. You have to "woman up" to this and take care of your kids and your own future. Get a new job or a better one or train for one so you don't feel so trapped. Imagine if your h had died and enough time had passed for you to start living your life happily.
What would that look like? Get detailed please. What activities would you be doing? How would you dress differently, if so? Would you take jogs or walks or attend a zumba class or other dance movement class? Would you date? Would you read more (or different) books or see films or go to the library or volunteer at a pet place, or a women's shelter, or an old folks home or hospice? ALL These things are cheap or free.. You can start some of these today. Seize the day.
I KNOW you're depressed but you know there's more to that than brain chemistry. Been there, done that. I get it. But I took people's advice b/c I did not want to keep feeling sick & tired. Sometimes it's "fake it til you make it". You come here asking for advice but it's only the tiny minute things you act on.
The big picture stuff like GAL, having a PMA, getting help to change your depressed state-taking your T's advice on cognitive work too-- and planning a future for yourself without your h, are skimmed. BUT that's the real work you have to do. Until you do this work, the rest of this is wasting precious time. Life is short. your kids are going to be out of the house soon. What are their memories of home life going to be like?
You've gotten some great advice here. Start taking the advice. Stop saying you "can't" or "HE WON'T..." and be in charge of your life from this day forward. And hey, It's a hell of a lot more attractive than being a needy, sad, angry woman with a low self esteem radiating...
Let him go. Work on you. Focus on yourself and reassuring your kids you're going to be there for them. Don't put them in a position to have to reassure YOU...they need you and you are the parent. You can do this. You are stronger than you know.
So now I have NO clue what to do about the card and him not paying. NC means not texting him and reminding him again this month, which is the only time I do contact him anymore. Any advice?
As for interactions with your h, even if only by a note to you, go ahead and ask him in a way that makes him live "up to" the obligation b/c you can ask in a way that reflects that you have faith in his meeting an obligation. Then when he pays, you THANK HIM. Yes, thank him even when he toots his horn. Why?
[color:#FF0000]I'll tell you why. My DB tasked me to do something I found very hard to do but damn it if it wasn't GREAT ADVICE, and darn if she wasn't right. She said "men need affirmation & an MLCer really does b/c he'll feel a lot of guilt, etc". Plus, in the event of a the Hope for a reconciliation, he needs to know that the road home is paved and smooth. To make it so, you need to "applaud loudly for the 1% of what he does that is positive..." so even if it's "the least" he can do, in your eyes, SAY "THANKS" and mean it. I know it's hard to do! But it matters.
Otherwise you are creating a mountain for him to climb by implying that so much water is under the bridge that nothing he can do would ever make it up to you or the kids...And he's come out and said that right to your face. My DB coach was brilliant and I'm telling you that even though I do not see signs your h wants back in, he DOES want your approval and validation. Don't withold it. That's a mistake even if it "feels right". That's anger talking. You have made it clear you think he's let you down and devastated you and the kids big time. Though it is true that he has done that, it's not the time to bring it up since you claim you want a recon IF he gets healthy. So, applaud healthy steps even if they're baby steps. THIS DOES NOT MEAN YOU DONT' MOVE FORWARD GAL, AND IT DOES NOT MEAN YOU BECOME A SNIVELING DOORMAT...it just means what I said. Hope this 2 x 4 helps b/c you are in a dark place now, but you really can get out of there if you choose to. [/color] [/color] [color:#6600CC]Last time I texted him saying "H, loan is past due and if we don't pay it today we will be charged fees. Thanks W"
If he pays it, thank him and say it in a way that suggests you understand "times are tough all over and you really appreciate him keeping his word on it". It'd be a 180 and might encourage him to man up more. And it would contrast the negative image he has of you always being hard to please, with a warm woman who expresses gratitude for kindness and responsible gestures.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Just wanted to let you know that I did text H and his response was "oh well". I'm not paying a penny.
Then H went on to say he was dropping me and my S20 from his benefits. I asked why and his response was, well the D will be over Nov. 6th anyway so I'm dropping the both of you off on the 10th. I asked H to please keep us on because I can't afford benefits here at work, and this was the only way I was surviving.
H's response was "oh well", again. So anyway I called my lawyer and he told me that H couldn't do that and that he would call domestic relations and let them know about the court order from Feb. 09 that he was to supply the benefits on all of us.
I decided to call H and ask if we could work something out so we didn't have to go to court again. He was angry at first, then he was joking around saying we couldn't get together that night because he was watching his girlfriend's child. I just said ok, and to let me know when we can get together to discuss the financial stuff. Then he says to me that he was only kidding he isn't watching anyone and that he's not seeing anyone, but he needed to go to bed cause he had to go to work very early. Talk about head games.....but I didn't react like I would have in the past with crying or anything. Just said ok, and that I had to go and goodbye.
Well, domestic relations messed up in Aug. 09 when we had to go back to court for our D14's braces cause H said she didn't need them and he wasn't paying anything for them. H was furious in the hearing. Anyway he has to pay 60% and I have to pay 40% every month. They attached his wages and added it to the child support he pays. But they didn't put the paragraph in from the older order that he is to supply the benefits. My lawyer tried to get it fixed over the phone but no luck. So off to court again and H is furious again.
H had filed for a no-fault Jan. 09 within 2 months after leaving. That day I got the papers I called him and asked why, and why didn't he let me know. He said he was just mad that day and he didn't want it. So he thinks that on Nov. 6th (2 years of separation), the D will be final.
Well, he must have contacted a lawyer, I should say a new one because his other one dropped him because of his lies as far as drinking and driving with our D14 in the car and not following the rules in the custody agreement. Because now he is saying that the D will be final Jan. 22nd, which is not true either.
But 25, I do get child support I took H after 4 weeks after separation. Anyway, he was so mad about the hearing that he called yelling at me so I told him that I was hanging up if he couldn't be civil. So I had to hang up on him.
Then just Tuesday night he calls again and is a little cocky but not as angry, and I asked about the loan this month and he said he didn't know if he was going to pay on it or not. Then he goes off about the hearing coming up and so on. When speaking to him on the phone he goes from being ok, to joking, to trying to get me jealous, to getting angry all within a few minutes time.
I told him that I didn't want to take him back to court but he never contacted me about discussing the issue so I didn't have a choice. That I can't go without benefits and can't afford to pick them up here at work. I calmly asked him if he was going to pay on the loan again this month because it was late again and they are charging us fees everyday it's late. He said he will see, cause he needs to get a lawyer for the hearing and then got angry so I told him I needed to get off the phone because I don't deserve to be talked to that way and I wasn't putting up with it. He calms down and asked a question about our D14 then within seconds he comes off that he is involved with someone and that once his ex-girlfriend from 16 years ago leaves her H they are going to get back together. WOW!! They broke up because she was cheating on him right before she got pregnant for the 2nd time and he wasn't sure the child was his and had him tested and everything. He called her every name in the book, never got along with her....you name it, his family wouldn't even allow her in the house when they were dating. So all I said was that I had a funny feeling he wanted to go back with the ex-girlfriend and he got mean and said yeah right you know nothing. I'm not involved with anyone, and I'm not getting back with her but we are best friends now. All of us are best friends, her husband, me and her. I just said, well that's nice I have to go and I hung up.
With the DBusting thing and yes, I read the book I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't as far as my sitch goes with my H.
So anyway my emotions got the best of me I got so angry for the first time in so long, and I got sick and tired of being upset and texted him that I can now move on and not worry about my vows and could have sooner if he would had let me know that he was seeing someone (against Dbusting), I told him that I didn't think he would ever grow up, and that all he worries is about money and himself. I told him to man up and help the family he left with nothing. And then said how him and both sides of his family are two faced. They all claimed they hated the ex and now love her and welcome her into their homes and what a joke all of them are. I thanked him for telling me the truth and said I finally feel free and also told him he wouldn't ever hear from me again no matter what!
I also blocked his number so he couldn't text back or call. Do I regret it now? YES, but a person could only put up with so much. I did the nice thing for so long, and it was like he was taking advantage of me, and would throw digs in whenever he wanted to, and made me upset a lot, he had full control of me and I let that happen! This went totally against Dbusting, and also Standing for my M. I might as well as give up on trying to Dbust for a long while although I will still Stand for my M. I will just take day by day because God is the only one that can turn this around. The hearing is on the 8th but my lawyer said he will go and that I don't have to be there. I told him I didn't want to see him because I know how angry he is going to be and I can't handle it, I'm too fragile. Do I wish I could be like everyone else on this board? YES, YES, YES, but I'm sorry I can't be. I had a breakdown and was out of work for 3 weeks, I guess this is only for the strong because I'm very very weak and 25 is right. I haven't got anywhere at all in the past 2years. Years ago, I believe I could have handled this better but for some reason I can't, I believe it is because I was never alone before and Standing for my M and Dbusting you don't date or anything like that. Not that I even have the urge to do so.
25, if my H would have died instead of leaving like he did I really believe I could have moved on a lot faster and better. The reason is because I would have believed that he loved me and that's what counts the most. Hearing from him that he hates me and just 2 weeks prior when we were discussing the benefit thing he threw in there something about us getting together again (cake eating, if you know what I mean), and then said he couldn't go through that again and never mind. I didn't say a word to any of it. I know that I would try my hardest not to go there because I hurt soooo much after we were together in March, and a friend of mine said he must have too, or he wouldn't have brought it up and then said he couldn't go through that again.
Thanks everyone for your responses and all of your advice and for being there for me, but I lost the game. I just can't do this anymore. I stayed off of the board for a while thinking that would help also, but nope. Nothing helps the pain. I thought this was all about busting your divorce, not moving on with someone else if it doesn't work.
One last thing 25, I did always thank him when he paid on the loan. I even thanked him ahead of time for paying 1/2 of D14's soccer and telling her that he was going to buy us groceries and guess what happened? He didn't go through with it. I really believe my sitch is soooo different from everyone else. Because like I said before, no matter how I act H is not satisfied at all and goes from personality to personality in minutes, sometimes seconds.
It's like my H is mentally ill or something awful. I contact him about loan he gets mad, I don't contact him he gets mad. He isn't the same person, he is a very angry person towards me. He hates me and there is nothing I can do to change that, Dbusting can't make him even like me. All I have is God now. I am in a very dark place and want to get out, but it is very very hard to do.
I wish I would have read 25's advice before all of this happened but I wasn't on the board until today. And this all happened on Nov. 2nd. And the reason I blocked his number from calling or texting me back was because he kept texting and texting with all mean,rotten, and hurtful things. I did unblock it though because when D14 is with him and if something happens I want and need to know.
25 and Lance, YLast time I'm posting a detailed answer b/c I think it is wasted....Some 2 x4's coming and I hope this helps SOMEONE out there if not you...Please listen..
Your post is unecessarily detailed b/c it's repetitive in content and the story repeats itself..what he said or did and then lied and how you hung up or asked him why and blah blah blah MORE OF THE SAME...why you can't see this, I don't know...
Just wanted to let you know that I did text H and his response was "oh well". I'm not paying a penny.
Then H went on to say he was dropping me and my S20 from his benefits. I asked why and his response was, well the D will be over Nov. 6th anyway so I'm dropping the both of you off on the 10th. I asked H to please keep us on because I can't afford benefits here at work, and this was the only way I was surviving.
H's response was "oh well", again. So anyway I called my lawyer and he told me that H couldn't do that and that he would call domestic relations and let them know about the court order from Feb. 09 that he was to supply the benefits on all of us.
I decided to call H and ask if we could work something out so we didn't have to go to court again. He was angry at first,
MORE OF THE SAME. LET THE LAWYER HANDLE IT. HE JUST TOLD YOU YOUR H CANNOT LET YOU AND SON OFF THE BENEFITS. NOTHING ELSE TO TELL....YOU CONTINUE TO ENGAGE AND ENGAGE AND CONTACT AS IF SOMETHING YOU TRY OR SAY THIS TIME, WILL MAKE A DIFFERENCE. IT HASN'T WORKED...
Just said ok, and that I had to go and goodbye.
Well, domestic relations messed up in Aug. 09 when we had to go back to court for our D14's braces cause H said she didn't need them and he wasn't paying anything for them. H was furious in the hearing. Anyway he has to pay 60% and I have to pay 40% every month. They attached his wages and added it to the child support he pays. But they didn't put the paragraph in from the older order that he is to supply the benefits. My lawyer tried to get it fixed over the phone but no luck. So off to court again and H is furious again.
SO WHAT IF HE'S FURIOUS AGAIN?...SO WHAT?? WHAT'S HE GOING TO DO--, DIVORCE YOU?? Oh wait, he already is...what if he began respecting you?? What if you actually STOPPED having your life revolve around him and how much you're letting him "victimize" you and the kids?? What then? You'd have to fill your life with your own life!!
H had filed for a no-fault Jan. 09 within 2 months after leaving. That day I got the papers I called him and asked why,
and the point of the question, after ALL this time, was what? Oh wait, I know. To get his attention, to try and change his mind, to PURSUE AND PURSUE SOME MORE...THE definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior over and over, and expecting a different result...that's you GF...
and why didn't he let me know. He said he was just mad that day and he didn't want it. So he thinks that on Nov. 6th (2 years of separation), the D will be final. BLAH BLAH BLAH
Well, he must......not true either.
But 25, I do get child support I took H after 4 weeks after separation. Anyway, he was so mad about the hearing that he called yelling at me so I told him that I was hanging up if he couldn't be civil. So I had to hang up on him.
Wait...You got child support? What's left to fight and harangue about? Some details about debt? That's what the lawyers are for and if you say you cannot affor the lawyer OR that the lawyer LEFT SOMETHING OUT, that should not cost you much at all. Tell the lawyer to make the correction. End of story. NO NEED TO CONTACT H ON ANY OF THIS SO FAR...NOT ONE REASON...
Then just Tuesday night he calls again and is a little cocky but BLAH BLAH BLAH MORE OF THE SAME....not as angry, and I asked about the loan this month and he said he didn't know if he was going to pay on it or not. Then he goes off about the hearing coming up and so on. When speaking to him on the phone he goes from being ok, to joking, to trying to get me jealous, to getting angry all within a few minutes time.
AGAIN, NO REASON TO CONTACT H. CALL YOUR L. NOTHING GOOD COMES OF ANY OF THESE CONTACTS...YOU NEED TO GET A LIFE...THIS IS CRAZY AND YOU ARE PARTICIPATING IN THE INSANITY...THAT'S A FACT YOU CAN CONTROL.
I told him that I didn't want to take him back to court but he never contacted me about discussing the issue so I didn't have a choice. That I can't go without benefits and can't afford to pick them up here at work. I calmly asked him if he was going to pay on the loan again this month
THIS WAS ALREADY ASKED & ANSWERED BEFORE AND YOU GOT NOWHERE! STOP PURSUING HIM. STOP..JUST STOP....CALL THE LAWYER B/C YOU SURE CANNOT AFFORD TO NOT HAVE THE LAWYER. YOUR H WILL COMPLY WITH COURT ORDERS OR GO TO JAIL. I THINK HE'LL PICK COMPLIANCE AND GOD KNOWS NOTHING YOU'VE SAID HAS GOTTEN YOU ANYWHERE. YOU ARE WASTING YOUR LIFE WITH THIS...IT'S NOT HEALTHY...YOU REALLY ARE PARTICIPATING IN THE INSANITY IN YOUR LIFE...THE QUESTION IS, WHY??
because it was late again and they are charging us fees everyday it's late. He said he will see, cause he needs to get a lawyer for the hearing and then got angry so I told him I needed to get off the phone because I don't deserve to be talked to that way
HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU HAD TO SAY THIS TO HIM? (JUST IN THIS POST IT'S 3 OR MORE TIMES) YET HE STILL DOES IT? SO...YOUR COMMENT THAT YOU DESERVE BETTER, WHILE ALSO CALLING HIM AGAIN AND AGAIN, WHICH SHOWS YOU'LL TOLERATE THE CRAP FROM HIM B/C YOU KEEP ON CALLING GRASPING AT HIS SCRAPS OF 'MINIMAL CIVILITY' AND CALLING IT PROGRESS....JUST STOP CALLING HIM.
and I wasn't putting up with it. He calms down and asked a question about our D14 then within seconds he comes off that he is involved with someone and that once his ex-girlfriend from 16 years ago leaves her H they are going to get back together. WOW!! They broke up because she was cheating on him right before she got pregnant for the 2nd time and he wasn't sure the child was his and had him tested and everything.
IF YOU WANT TO KEEP HEARING THIS TYPE OF TRASH, CALL JERRY SPRINGER...NONE OF THIS IS INTERESTING OR USEFUL. IF YOU WANT TO GET HEALTHY AND HAPPY AND SET A NORMAL EXAMPLE FOR YOUR KIDS, THEN START TAKING THE ADVICE GIVEN HERE. I FEEL LIKE I'M TALKING TO A PLATE. YOU READ AND READ AND THEN GO AND ACT THE SAME WAY...FOR MONTHS AND MONTHS...YOU NEED MORE HELP THAN THESE POSTS ARE PROVIDING...NO OFFENSE, BUT YOU MUST LIKE BEING MISERABLE. YOUR BEHAVIOR IS ADDICTIVE AND CO-DEPENDENT IN THE EXTREME...SAD REALLY.
He called her every name in the book, never...BLAH BLAH BLAH got along with her....you name it, his family wouldn't even allow her in the house when they were dating. So all I said was ..... said, well that's nice I have to go and I hung up.
With the DBusting thing and yes, I read the book I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't as far as my sitch goes with my H.
WHERE DO YOU SEE ANY DBING BEHAVIOR OF YOURS IN THIS POST?? I SEE ZERO DB-ING..."Damned if I do and damed if I don't..." refers to what? Your h? He's not the isssue! Stop engaging him and you'll be DBing and that will stop ALL this crap from being in your life which is consumed by insanity and back and forth insecurities. This is Jerry Springer carping about tiny little things and not so tiny but nothing about YOUR Personal growth. I don't see it. Sorry but you are SO STUCK and it is by choice. This post shows 10+ examples of you choosing to be stuck...engaging in this type of contact is, to put it bluntly, sick. Hope you'll get help soon. Life is short and you've probably spent a chunk of it in "Cheeseless tunnels"...
So anyway my emotions got the best of me I got so angry for the first time in so long, and I got sick and tired of being upset and texted him that I can now move on ..... I told him to man up and help the family he left with nothing. I thanked him for telling me the truth and said I finally feel free and also told him he wouldn't ever hear from me again no matter what!
We'll see. Maybe you won't contact him...Or maybe he'll want to see if he's still got you on a rope & he'll call or email (ALL For his ego, NOT for reconciliation) and I fear you'll lap it up and hope he throws you a scrap of attention He might even say "sometimes he misses you or still loves you..." and you'll be "confused" by "The sudden change"...but there is no change, and the divorce will march along without a pause. Sorry but that's how I see this.
I also blocked his number so he couldn't text back or call. Do I regret it now? YES, but a person could only put up with so much.
I spoke too soon. You regret it now? Already? Good grief...
I did the nice thing for so long, and it was like he was taking advantage of me,
No kidding...
and would throw digs in whenever he wanted to, and made me upset a lot, he had full control of me and I let that happen! This went totally against Dbusting, and also Standing for my M.
Yes...and it is still happening. You are giving him ALL the power even after my lengthy time consuming post to you. You went out and did the exact same stuff again. I'm very frustrated.
I might as well as give up on trying to Dbust for a long while although I will still Stand for my M.
Exactly when did you DB? What behavior was detaching or GAL or having a PMA? I just don't think you get DBing conceptually but I am sure you don't get it, behaviorally.
I will just take day by day because God is the only one that can turn this around. The hearing is on the 8th but my lawyer said he will go and that I don't have to be there.
Don't go. Do what your L is suggesting and do not go. Get a good explanation from your L as to what was decided and move on. Period.
I guess this is only for the strong because I'm very very weak and 25 is right. I haven't got anywhere at all in the past 2years. Years ago, I believe I could have handled this better but for some reason I can't, I believe it is because I was never alone before and Standing for my M and Dbusting you don't date or anything like that.
You don't understand DBing if you think this is a hard fast rule and your h has filed for divorce. You seem to think and act as if "standing" really is standing still. It's not. It's more like shutting the door behind you but not locking it. But you don't keep turning around to see if he's opening it. You move on with the assumption he's gone and not coming back BUT that you are going to be happy in your new life. And if he ever catches up to you willing to do the work HE needs to do, b/c you already will have done yours, then you can assess. But since you are not doing YOUR work and he's surely not doing any of his, I think you need to only focus on you.
25, if my H would have died instead of leaving like he did I really believe I could have moved on a lot faster and better. The reason is because I would have believed that he loved me and that's what counts the most.
Nope. No way, I don't buy it. It's your ego. And you control your ego. And whether he ever loved you is NOT "what counts the most" NOT would his dying "prove" he loved you once, NOR would his present behavior prove he never did... People change. Sometimes they change back SOME but they are never the same exact person they once were. You are simply letting your feelings of rejection blind you to the upsides of his absence and ONLY focusing on the negatives.
Hearing from him that he hates me and just 2 weeks prior when we were discussing the benefit thing he threw in there something about us getting together again (cake eating, if you know what I mean),
YAWN...he's an alien. Stop engaging.
Thanks everyone for your responses and all of your advice and for being there for me, but I lost the game. I just can't do this anymore. I stayed off of the board for a while thinking that would help also, but nope. Nothing helps the pain. I thought this was all about busting your divorce, not moving on with someone else if it doesn't work.
You hoped there was a "secret" that was relatively easy to do, a guarantee that if you siimply said or did the "right" thing, he'd be all better. But it's NOT that easy. Nor is it that fast. Div Busting to me, is about TRYING TO SAVE A MARRIAGE by doing the ONE thing YOU can do...which is to change who YOU are, and how you relate to those in your life. The only ONLY person YOU can change is YOU. But Then, when you are a different person, the R's you are in with others, by definition, change too.
If a m cannot be saved, then DBing is about grace under fire and becoming the best person you can become. Keeping your dignity. Modelling for your children what it means to respond with honor and strength and to put your own pain aside to make a better world for your children so that when THEY are betrayed someday in life, you can show them what real strength is. DBing is about how You become a woman only a fool would leave. If your ex is too blind or too far gone to see that, so be it. IF you want there to be a next time, then the next man won't be blind or too far gone, b/c you are a woman only a fool would leave. (And if you DB at all correctly, then You won't pick another fool)
One last thing 25, I did always thank him when he paid on the loan. I even thanked him ahead of time for paying 1/2 of D14's soccer and telling her that he was going to buy us groceries and guess what happened? He didn't go through with it. I really believe my sitch is soooo different from everyone else. Because like I said before, no matter how I act H is not satisfied at all and goes from personality to personality in minutes, sometimes seconds. Your sitch is no different than 80% of the ones here. Most people who stay stuck a long time say that their sitch is "So unusal" as if it's harder than others. Yours is not the worst here. It's your choice to be stuck that is unusual. I just have not seen you DB for any length of time or in any meaningful way.
DBing has not failed you. You didn't ever really want to "Get it" b/c it meant that YOU had to change, with NO guarantee he will. And your is perhaps mentally ill, like MANY other WAS's here. That does not mean you stick by him, b/c no Al Anon coach will tell you to stay with a drunk b/c "alcoholism is a disease". B/C they know that it hurts others, it infects them. Your h's behavior has infected you and the kids. Enough already. Be done with the crazyiness and pain. Surely you are aware that without him things can only get better. Honestly, aside from financial issues that are NOT unsolvable if you stand firmly with the law, what's going to be worse than all the insecurity and back & forth WITH the h? Is it the times you have "hope"? I think that keeps you stuck. It shouldn't but it does.
It's like my H is mentally ill or something awful. I contact him about loan he gets mad, I don't contact him he gets mad. He isn't the same person, he is a very angry person towards me. , Dbusting can't make him even like me. All I have is God now.
Though I don't see much change in your behavior I think the man your h is now, is not bringing much to the table of marriage. He's not much to lose, frankly. I say that not to be mean but to show you that your loss is what?
Money issues can be best resolved by lawyers since you won't get anywhere with him otherwise AND it's less stressful AND it's what lawyers are for AND your L said he'd go to the next thing anyhow. Other issues...your h is a liar, he is selfish and a cheat and has a cruel streak in him AND he's a drinker. You really miss THAT?
Of course not. You miss what he either once was but is not now, OR you miss what you hoped he'd become but he didn't. So your "loss" really isn't a real one. Do you understand that comment? IF so, then recall that "WHERE THE HEAD GOES, THE HEART WILL FOLLOW..."
Remind yourself you did not lose much and you have everything to gain by moving on. I am sorry you are hurting but I KNOW ONLY YOU can get yourself out of this. That's so clear. Decide...DO...Be happy.
Thanks again! Sorry so long!!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thanks again 25! I give you so much credit for making it through and divorce busting your own marriage!
You are very right, I am stuck, very stuck. I let H pull me right down with him. I'm probably further down than he is.....I'm going through a clinical depression because I was hoping and praying that my M would be reconciled by now.
I do know that I need to work on myself as far as PMA big time. It's just all of the mean things he has said and done to me over the past 2yrs. that I have my self esteem down to 0.
I am working just to get through the day, this depression thing really can take a person down to the pits. I need to take day by day. Where I was getting confused was the standing for my M. On rejoice ministries they tell you to pray and pray and no one knows but God which I believe can heal a hurting or dead M. And yes, she did move on as far as taking care of her children and having a life. But they also say you should tell the spouse that you have forgiven them and that you are sorry for the part you took in the M failing. Which I have done. But also to be there for them, because they are hurting big time. And on this site and in the book and says not to contact them. Also here like you said above that I need to do what I need to do as far as finances. On their site, it says that the Lord will provide and not to make them angry if they miss a payment of any kind.
I guess that's where all of my confusion comes in. Plus as far as I know to this day he hasn't cheated.
I know I have to move forward with my life, and like I said above I will and just take day by day.
