Wait a minute, PH. If she were asked what she thinks PH thinks about her, what would she say?
She would describe how she feels.
" I know he loves me but I just don't have any of that feeling for him. I want more."
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
What she thinks I think, or what she feels about me? Coach answered the second.
She thinks I don't accept her feelings as valid; that I love her, but I think that she should feel differently towards me. That I want to change her instead of accepting how she feels.
That I want to change her instead of accepting how she feels.
And how does she feel................................??????
It's real. Make no mistake. The sooner you agree with her feelings the better. Once you do that her thinking changes.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I think that she should feel differently towards me
That's probably the stumbling block. That is probably what keeps you two stuck and on script. You're both working off feelings here: her wanting to feel love, you wanting to feel loved.
Ehhh just deal with whatever is happening (pleasant or otherwise) without projecting your expectations into every interaction, deal with her like you would a new person in your life without all of that negative history, and try to have some fun too
You have any guy buddies? Go do something different. Somehow you need to shift your focus back to yourself and being positive.
Last edited by TimeHeals; 09/29/1007:02 PM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
Getting back to her self-esteem, your W could think that you think she is fiscally irresponsible, a bad parent, etc. Maybe, if you're like most of us, you did harbor such feelings and either let her know it or she "felt" it. If so, those are areas in which you can help her with her self esteem. Not suggesting fawning, etc. Just saying that if there are areas in which you contributed to her self-esteem problems, you might want to address that.
That I want to change her instead of accepting how she feels.
And how does she feel................................??????
It's real. Make no mistake. The sooner you agree with her feelings the better. Once you do that her thinking changes.
I know her feelings are real. I'm not stupid. If they weren't real, if she felt attracted to me, we wouldn't be having this discussion. I accept her feelings. Do I want them to change? Of course! All of us here would like our spouses to love them again.
Getting back to her self-esteem, your W could think that you think she is fiscally irresponsible, a bad parent, etc. Maybe, if you're like most of us, you did harbor such feelings and either let her know it or she "felt" it. If so, those are areas in which you can help her with her self esteem. Not suggesting fawning, etc. Just saying that if there are areas in which you contributed to her self-esteem problems, you might want to address that.
I try to support her, reinforce good behavior, etc. Some of this stems from her mother, whom she feels never loved her. Can't really argue with her on that, since I wasn't around the two of them very much; I just try to listen and validate.
Do I want them to change? Of course! All of us here would like our spouses to love them again.
then give her what she wants, agree with her, validate her feelings, take all the pressure off her, let her pursue you
You act like the WAS. My point earlier about when FMV was when did she start making the healthy changes for herself? AFTER THE BOMB.
Pinhead you are making huge progress. I can read it in your posts and post to others. Once you let go of the outcome it becomes so easy to just focus on doing what you need to do for you. Making goals keeps you focused. Plan for parallel outcomes. Decide to arrive a better man regardless of the outcome. You can handle it.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
