Pinhead, I think you're trying to pinpoint one of you as the cause of marital problems. I don't think that works well ... my H told me that I caused all our problems because of my low self esteem. It just made me withdraw. Marriage problems exist in the space between the people - where and how they interact.
I think the key is standing up for yourself (even when she's reacting negatively because of her low self esteem) without withdrawing or shutting down.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
PS "I thought that if I tried harder, gave her more attention then she'd feel better about herself."
Pinhead, I'm sorry, you can't fix that for her. Attention does help, it does. But it doesn't fix it... she's got to do that on her own... I know I did.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I can stand up for myself, that's not a problem. But if she's feeling that she's "defective" and unworthy of love, then we're back to what is really the biggest cause of our marital problems.
What will make her stop feeling "defective" and how can you help facilitate that?
PS "I thought that if I tried harder, gave her more attention then she'd feel better about herself."
Pinhead, I'm sorry, you can't fix that for her. Attention does help, it does. But it doesn't fix it... she's got to do that on her own... I know I did.
That's my entire point. I can't fix her. But some big problems in our relationship, maybe dealbreaker problems will persist until she feels better about herself.
Pinhead, I think you're trying to pinpoint one of you as the cause of marital problems. I don't think that works well ... my H told me that I caused all our problems because of my low self esteem. It just made me withdraw. Marriage problems exist in the space between the people - where and how they interact.
I think the key is standing up for yourself (even when she's reacting negatively because of her low self esteem) without withdrawing or shutting down.
I'm not blaming her for everything. I definitely didn't react or cope with stuff very well in our marriage. And I still make a lot of those mistakes.
I can stand up for myself, that's not a problem. But if she's feeling that she's "defective" and unworthy of love, then we're back to what is really the biggest cause of our marital problems.
What will make her stop feeling "defective" and how can you help facilitate that?
I unsuccessfully tried to help facilitate for 11 years to no avail.
