We Fall Down, We Get Up

[ImprovedRomeo]

Sorry I completely disagree. To some giving yourself up to someone random (meaningless) is no big deal which is fine but to some it is. It's not the part of me that just anyone can have and experience. To me there's nothing more intimate than sex and I will reserve it for someone special. Long term R or not has nothing to do with it.

Honestly, if a woman told me she'd had random sexual partners just to have sex I won't respect her because in my mind she doesn't respect herself and she can't possibly respect me either. And she's immature who's not in control of herself. No one wants to be someone who's been ridden like an old bus route- sorry. Of course, this is just my personal view, I feel strongly about it but of course everyone is different.

Bottomline is when I meet someone special I want to know that I mean something to her too. And that she'd been waiting and anticipating me. Not going through guys until she found me. That's not special.

[smith18]

It depends on what the meaning of the word 'is' is. If the--if he--if 'is' means is and never has been, that is not--that is one thing. If it means there is none, that was a completely true statement....Now, if someone had asked me on that day, are you having any kind of sexual relations with Ms. Lewinsky, that is, asked me a question in the present tense, I would have said no. And it would have been completely true.

[mishka422]

That means you never had your face up against the prison bars saying, "No, Bubba No!"

OMG Coach!! I just sprayed water all over my computer screen through my nose. I choked so bad my co-workers were actually concerned. They finally realized I was laughing so they all groaned and turned around.

Thanks for the laugh!!!

[CityGirl]

Some of us are talking about two different things I think.

Nobody is suggesting millions of sexual partners just to find somebody good or pass the time until you (generally speaking) do find somebody good. Well, I am sure somebody may have suggested it but I don't think it was any of us.

There is not one person here that suggested anybody have random multiple partners just to have sex.

IMO it's a really slippery slope to judge what people may have done in the past. Nobody was born or put on this planet to serve one persons needs. People can change how they view sex or used to view sex or how they will view sex in the future. If you didn't believe that you wouldn't be here on this site as the entire premise of DB'ing is making changes.

It's funny so many of you take a strong stance about it but when it's posted that a one night stand happened or all the other casual stuff that is posted about dating/sex it's celebrated and giggled about and jokes are made. It's very interesting indeed.

How could anybody be waiting and anticipating somebody? How could anybody possibly know who they will meet in the future?

So what do all of you suggest we do until you find that "somebody special"? Hope they knock on our door and in the meantime explore nothing? Exploring a person does not have to mean sex and if it does, well, I'd imagine most of us have enough self respect not to just be screwing anything that walks for the sake of it.

I once read on this site that people want to date for validation. Does that make somebody less special because they are dating to fill a need? I can't even wrap my head around it but it has no bearing on a future R.

The base issue here is what we each are looking for. Some of us are looking for nothing - some are looking just to date and get to know people and some are looking for a serious and exclusive R. When one knows exactly what they are looking for it's very easy to define what is they want. People in their mid to late 30's and early 40's have had more than one sexual partner other than their spouse. Who is to decide which partners were meaningless and which were not? Certainly not an outsider!

[ImprovedRomeo]

Some of us are talking about two different things I think.

Nobody is suggesting millions of sexual partners just to find somebody good or pass the time until you (generally speaking) do find somebody good. Well, I am sure somebody may have suggested it but I don't think it was any of us.

There is not one person here that suggested anybody have random multiple partners just to have sex.

The idea of having sex with someone who doesn't mean anything suggested that which several people said was fine.

IMO it's a really slippery slope to judge what people may have done in the past.

I don't think anyone was judging anyone, we're simply sharing our opinions. My point was things aren't as black and white as people paint them to be.

Nobody was born or put on this planet to serve one persons needs. People can change how they view sex or used to view sex or how they will view sex in the future.

Nor should anyone serve anyone, we have choices including staying single. Yes, people can change but typically people try to change other's point of views by interjecting their own on them. Sometimes even passing them on as facts. Which is frustrating.

If you didn't believe that you wouldn't be here on this site as the entire premise of DB'ing is making changes.

I believe in becoming a better person not to change myself just to say I changed.

How could anybody be waiting and anticipating somebody? How could anybody possibly know who they will meet in the future?

So what do all of you suggest we do until you find that "somebody special"? Hope they knock on our door and in the meantime explore nothing?

Unless you intend to stay single, which is fine too, you know you will meet that someone special. So you wait and anticipate till you at least meet someone that has some resemblence to this person i.e. by not jumping in bed with whomever comes along as was being suggested in the earlier posts.

Exploring a person does not have to mean sex and if it does, well, I'd imagine most of us have enough self respect not to just be screwing anything that walks for the sake of it.

Exactly- now we're on the same page.

I once read on this site that people want to date for validation. Does that make somebody less special because they are dating to fill a need? I can't even wrap my head around it but it has no bearing on a future R.

I can kinda see that but casual innocent movie and dinner with someone is way different than getting bare and doing it then not feeling it meant anything more than a 20 mins of fun.

People in their mid to late 30's and early 40's have had more than one sexual partner other than their spouse. Who is to decide which partners were meaningless and which were not? Certainly not an outsider!

Most people yes, not all. You decide who were meaningful. If you're having sex just to have sex (as was being discussed) then obviously it's meaningless but if you had sex because you enjoyed the company of the person and it wasn't a one night romp then chances are it was meaningful.



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[CityGirl]

Okay.

I guess I can't read very well because I did not take this discussion to mean it was all about sex with nothing else at stake. Clearly my reading and comprehension skills needs some work.

I think many of us have made it clear we aren't talking about a one night romp. And the problem then becomes some people can't just enjoy what it is and always want more even if the "what it is" *is* meaningful. So perhaps it is best to seek out partners that are 110% on the same page since "meaningful" has many definitions by circumstance alone. IMO that is like saying I would never sleep with anybody that had more than 2 partners. But what if the love of my life came along and he had FOUR partners in his past? Do I stick to my magic number or what?

I can think of three meaningful things that happened to me today but I bet if I posted them nobody would think they are *that* meaningful... everybody has different ideas of what or why is meaningful.

I believe it was NewMama who said she was dating for validation. People date to serve different purposes. To me that is the most ridiculous thing I ever heard but to her it wasn't. So as you said, it's all about personal preference. If I met a guy who told me he had dated for validation I would tell him to get lost. IMO that is needy and stupid. To somebody else it is what they need and may (or may not) have any bearing on one's future. So if you meet a woman who has slept around you can tell them to get lost because it is not your preference.

And I guess all the changing is subjective, no? If you (generally speaking) feel you are a better person then great. If I feel I am better person then great. The "greats" might be different for everybody but not any less meaningful.

I meet special people each day - it doesn't mean I would want to be in a R with them. So yes, I know I will always meet special people as most of us will since we are not recluses and most every person has some special quality. The 95 year old man down the street is very special but we won't be dating or sleeping together. Special doesn't always have to mean the same thing to each person.

Everybody can decide what is best for them. Period. And maybe 20 min. of sex is meaningful to somebody for their own personal reasons. It's not right for you, it doesn't make it wrong.

[ImprovedRomeo]

Yes it is all subjective. What's meaningful to one isn't necessarily meaningful to the other. However, if a woman told me she'd had 20 sexual partners in 2 years that doesn't work for me. Not to say it won't for someone else. We all hold certain things near and dear to us, values, beliefs etc they don't have to match with everyone else's.

meet special people each day - it doesn't mean I would want to be in a R with them.

Exactly, nor will you sleep with all of them- well you could but you probably won't. So that was the whole point- for me: unless the person has a special place in my heart I'm not having sex with them. Period.

[BobbiJo]

What a great exchange of ideas going on here! Good stuff.

*My bottom line is, I didn't sleep with anyone before Dan, which was easy bc we started dating when I was 16. I made him wait till I was 19, and he never pressured me before that.

*During college when we were broken up a couple of times I had a couple good makeout/fondle sessions, but drew the line at sex. Some would say that's not much of a line which is fine, it was just my own boundary for me

*During marriage I am one of those crazy kids like most of us here, who only had sex with my spouse. So, I see no reason to have a lot of sex now just because I can.

*However I also know the last time I was actively 'out and about' was in college. So much has changed since then for me and for the people I may date. I won't know for sure how I respond physically to someone until I have that attraction and desire for someone again. It will happen, some day. No sense over-thinking it.

[bright_new_day]

"*However I also know the last time I was actively 'out and about' was in college. So much has changed since then for me and for the people I may date. I won't know for sure how I respond physically to someone until I have that attraction and desire for someone again. It will happen, some day. No sense over-thinking it. "

Great way to put it BobbiJo. Until you are in the situation, you can't say for sure how you'd react. If the attraction is there you may respond, even if you thought you wouldn't. I don't believe that sex is ever meaningless. There is always some reason for it....whether everyone else approves of the reason or not. I think the important thing is being true to yourself and maintaining your self-respect...which I believe can be done while having sex with someone you have no plans to marry!

[Kalni]

I remember when I visited US the first time, I got people looking down on me because I was smoking and the next minute, they offered me pot... (!!!). Huge shock for me!

Did you take them up on their offer?

What you experienced is this thing called political correctness. Its meaning changes over time.

Well..., I didnt inhale!!! LOL! It wasnt my thing, I am not drinking, I am not into substances that may lead to...meaningless sex!! It was a huge shock though Kerry. We were tubbing down for hours Guadolopee (sp?) river with a little fridge tied to the tubes, I was smoking mentols and they were smoking pot. Tnat's when I realised, experiencing things is way different than hearing about them.

I am late to the convo due to time zone differences but I enjoyed reading all the comments. I agree with Citygirl. I have had more than x sexual partners (I am more a John's 210 kind of girl-LOL). And I enjoyed that period of my life. I dont feel my morals are twisted and I've been very loyal in my relationships. My first big love (the Texan guy) was very liberal about sex. I think he really had a one track mind. Granted I met him when I was still in school, his views affected my views. Coming from a very strict house, I balanced both influences and I am very happy with the result.

I wouldnt like someone asking me how many partners I had, especially in the begining of the dating. And I am pretty sure if that person fell in love me, he wouldnt judge me by that. If he did, he wouldnt be worth my time nor heart. Because judging is a way of living. And I am sure it would show in other areas as well...
K