.... I Don't think i want things to go back how they were, i'm doing this (trying again) because it's the right thing to do,not because i've fallen back in love.
We might be happily married 6 months down the road or trying to separate again, I'm going into this with extreme caution..
I'm worried that we will start having sex again and become romantic with each other again and it will all fall apart"
Who says you're even together yet?!
You just accepted her terms and that was that?!
Are you really that easy?
"Listen wife, I've been thinking about it and I'll be honest with you because I have to be honest with myself, I don't trust you. I'm not sure if I will ever trust you, your 'indiscretion' plus your attitude now won't move us forward in the right direction and to tell you the truth, I've been doing a lot of thinking about us, I'm not sure how I feel about you anymore. This whole process has changed my views on all of this. I want to be with someone who actually loves me, not with someone who just goes through the motions of a marriage because they think it's the right thing to do. That's just not good enough for me anymore, I can't settle for less than what I know is right, I can't settle for a woman who doesn't feel it for me, who isn't attracted to me, who doesn't want to be with me because that isn't what I want anymore, I've had that already for a long time and I want better. I have to start listening to my feelings now and maybe it's time for me to be single and experience other people and relationships. Getting together with you now with your current attitude about us, well it would more than likely just bring us to the same place all over again plus you already mentioned the possibility of separating again in 6 months, I'm not going through this process again so we might as well continue the separation and you should continue looking for that separate apartment for yourself. "
She will ask you if you are serious about all of this.
You will respond, "Yes that's how I feel, I have to start listening to my feelings on this instead of going along with your plan which is probably going to fail, I agree with you, we would probably separate in 6 months. You don't have the right feelings about us, you said it yourself."
She will either argue with you, tell you that you're crazy and horrible and that you should just be happy that she puts up with you and that she's coming back to you or.... she will try to prove to you that she is for real, that she really wants thing to work out, she may even tell you that she is going to work hard to regain your trust."
Be skeptical of both reactions, because those are her feelings lashing out at you. She is not used to you running the show because she has had too much control of you and your marriage up to this point.
And I will tell you that what you experienced the other day was not "amazing progress", especially if she mentioned separating again in 6 months (when she's had time to get her $hit together, find someone else she can possibly live with, etc.) You need to listen to the words she is saying, they are not being processed by your brain. She still doesn't "feel" it for you, if she really did, she wouldn't be thinking about the possibility of separating again in 6 months. Women who have the right feelings for the men they're with don't talk like that.
You need to listen to that feeling in the pit of your stomach, the part about her going into this half-heartedly, it's not lying to you, that feeling exists for a reason, you need to listen to that feeling and respect it more often, your body is built with bull$hit sensors, the problem is people don't listen to themselves when they experience these sensations, they don't want to believe the truth.
I'm asking you to believe that feeling in the pit of your stomach, the one that says she's only going through the motions, the one that says she going into this half heartedly, the one that says if you do this and go her way (she is leading, you are not, you need to be the one leading, going in the direction that is best for you and her, not the direction that is best for her), you know it's doomed to fail.
Don't worry about protocol living under the same roof, give her the script I've outlined above. DON'T turn into "Mr.Melty man" and DON'T let this turn into an argument, you've had enough arguments about this. Are you going to listen this time?
Don't think i want things to go back how they were, i'm doing this (trying again) beacuase it's the right thing to do,not because i've fallen back in love.
We might be happily married 6 months down the road or trying to separate again, I'm going into this with extreme caution..
I'm worried that we will start having sex again and become romantic with each other again and it will all fall apart"
"I agree I don't want a wife who isn't in love with me. I think I need to make some decisions about my future. I have some real doubts also about a woman who can't be faithful to me. Who said anything about having sex, honestly I am just not that attracted to you right now."
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Thanks guys!!!! Is there anyway of backpedalling on this without sounding like an ass...?
Yes easily, I've outlined the "script", just like she can change her mind about you and has several times, you can do the same, be prepared to put on the performance of a lifetime, you need to sell it, you need to make her believe that those words really are the way you feel. (in fact they should be but you're still a love sick puppy, you're just too obvious)
If you don't do any of this, if you go back to what you had and go in her direction, you will end up in the same place as you were previously and she will experience another "indiscretion", maybe next time she can invite you over to watch so that you can see how a real man will handle her ;-)
Sorry bro, I know that shot is below the belt but sometimes you guys need a wake up call. And before you say that your wife would never do that to you, I'm sure you believed your wife would never have cheated on you in the first place too! Just remember, the first time they cheat is the hardest, it becomes easier to do it again and again afterwards.
Thanks guys!!!! Is there anyway of backpedalling on this without sounding like an ass...?
HINT:
Until you care more about "doing The Right Thing" than you do about "sounding like an ass," you will get NOWHERE.
Robx has given you the script. Nowhere in there do I see him advocating you be an ass. Whether or not your wife things you SOUND like one, or are BEING one, is not your problem. Deliver the above calmly, nicely, and matter-of-factly. If she argues with you, tell her "I'm sorry you feel that way. This is what I've decided is best for me right now."
Thanks guys!!!! Is there anyway of backpedalling on this without sounding like an ass...?
HINT:
Until you care more about "doing The Right Thing" than you do about "sounding like an ass," you will get NOWHERE.
Robx has given you the script. Nowhere in there do I see him advocating you be an ass. Whether or not your wife things you SOUND like one, or are BEING one, is not your problem. Deliver the above calmly, nicely, and matter-of-factly. If she argues with you, tell her "I'm sorry you feel that way. This is what I've decided is best for me right now."
Puppy
"...Deliver the above calmly, nicely, and matter-of-factly. If she argues with you, tell her "I'm sorry you feel that way. This is what I've decided is best for me right now."
"...Deliver the above calmly, nicely, and matter-of-factly. If she argues with you, tell her "I'm sorry you feel that way. This is what I've decided is best for me right now."
"...Deliver the above calmly, nicely, and matter-of-factly. If she argues with you, tell her "I'm sorry you feel that way. This is what I've decided is best for me right now."
I posted this a few times just because it was worth reading over and over again.
Thanks guys!!!! Is there anyway of backpedalling on this without sounding like an ass...?
HINT:
Until you care more about "doing The Right Thing" than you do about "sounding like an ass," you will get NOWHERE.
Robx has given you the script. Nowhere in there do I see him advocating you be an ass. Whether or not your wife things you SOUND like one, or are BEING one, is not your problem. Deliver the above calmly, nicely, and matter-of-factly. If she argues with you, tell her "I'm sorry you feel that way. This is what I've decided is best for me right now."
Puppy
"...Deliver the above calmly, nicely, and matter-of-factly. If she argues with you, tell her "I'm sorry you feel that way. This is what I've decided is best for me right now."
"...Deliver the above calmly, nicely, and matter-of-factly. If she argues with you, tell her "I'm sorry you feel that way. This is what I've decided is best for me right now."
"...Deliver the above calmly, nicely, and matter-of-factly. If she argues with you, tell her "I'm sorry you feel that way. This is what I've decided is best for me right now."
I posted this a few times just because it was worth reading over and over again.
Dirty Harry week on AMC. Listen to how Clint delivers the lines.
W- I am going to move out and divorce you.
DH - Go ahead, make my day.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Ok, I've not posted for a while, but things are pretty much the same. Each time I've tried a Robx talk, crap behaviour has been introduced.
So far,she has threatened to hit me, Call the police on me, throw me out,make me sleep on the couch, call me disgusting names, tell me how this is all my fault ie what a crap husband i've been, take the kids out of the country, take me to the cleaners etc.
When I tell her that she was the one who decided to end the marriage, she throws it back in my face, how she struggled and tried to make it work for 2 years, how this is all my fault
I think I'm still being way too accomodating, I even threw a small party for her birthday, which wasn't even appreciated that much but she is still happy to call me mean and nasty. She then starts crying and that makes me become Mr meltyman. She also throws in a lot of nasty little snide remarks at various intervals.
The only progress, if you could call it that is when she tried to get me to sleep on the couch, I told her no way, and that she could go if she wanted to, she ended up staying in the bed. Not that anything ever happens in there aside from her trying to cuddle me occasionaly.
I'm not even sure that going out and socially interacting with other women would change anything, in fact she says she doesn't care. I'm am also reluctant to do this as I fear it will lead to an open marriage.
Aside from the one indescretion there is no evidence of any OM, I've been monitoring email and Cell phone records and she doesn't go out a huge amount, not to mention the fact that she has let her appearance go a little. She has also stopped spending lots of money and has become far better mother.
She still has this idea that we should be swapping between her apartment and the family home, I just feel powerless in this situation. It's very difficult to act happy and positive when she seems absolutely fine. I really don't know what to do here. Nothing seems to be working.
She is playing you. You have been a doormat for way to long. Have you read "Hold on to your NUTS" book yet? and No more MR. Nice Guy?
Time to call her bluff. You HAVE NOT tried the Robx speech because you have not FOLLOWED THRU.
Tell her that you dont want to be with her either and then tell her to leave. When she makes threats then you tell her to talk to your attorney. Plain and simple. Strong and Confident.
I'm 99.999% sure there is OM. She probably has a prepaid cell. Forget searching. Just set your BOUNDARIES and stick to them.
