Keep in mind that filing is not the same as divorcing. At least she will know you are serious and she will have to get off the fence. Once she has to make some hard decisions she may get the 2x4 in the head that she needs.
You know that not filing will just drag out the misery - it sure won't put you on the road to reconciliation. It sounds like I'm advocating divorce, but I sure as hell can't say "just wait a couple of more months, IDU, and see what happens."
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
It's painfully obvious that I am still iffy and it really pisses me off. I shouldn't be iffy.
You know, as easy as it is to tell someone to move on and how easy the concept is, everyone needs to figure this out in their own time. So you do what you need to do.
Keep in mind that filing is not the same as divorcing. At least she will know you are serious and she will have to get off the fence. Once she has to make some hard decisions she may get the 2x4 in the head that she needs.
You know that not filing will just drag out the misery - it sure won't put you on the road to reconciliation. It sounds like I'm advocating divorce, but I sure as hell can't say "just wait a couple of more months, IDU, and see what happens."
I know, I know, I know.
I don't think you are advocating divorce. We are here to avoid that if at all possible. We are also here to improve ourselves. I have been doing that. I am in a much better place than I was. I am a better person than I was. And I know that being around her hate and vitriol isn't healthy for me or the kids.
I know that I don't have to tell anyone else how hard this is. We all know.
It's painfully obvious that I am still iffy and it really pisses me off. I shouldn't be iffy.
You know, as easy as it is to tell someone to move on and how easy the concept is, everyone needs to figure this out in their own time. So you do what you need to do.
Thanks, Soleil.
I appreciate the support and I need the support.
Problem is, I already know what I need to do. I just need to quit f'ing around and being Mr. Pansy and do it.
Just checking in on you. Don't have much to offer at the moment, other than telling you to hang in there. You ARE doing great.
If you can be happy for you and your kids in this situation, then wait. Has GAL made you happy? At least somewhat? I think if you can be happy for yourself regardless of what she is doing, then filing doesn't matter either way. Maybe it gives her a push to help wake her up, but maybe not either.
What do you gain from filing? What will change and make you happier as a result? If you are doing OK, maybe continue to just hang out for a while. If pushing forward will change things for the better for you, then file.
I know it is so hard, but I don't see any advantage or disadvantage in you filing first. In my state it doesn't matter, but I don't know about yours. My sister told me to let my W file first so that if the kids ever looked it up later, it would show that she wanted this.
Good luck. Will try to check in again when I get back to the states.
Short story of my weekend: W called on my way home Fri nite and said the sitter had called her and couldn't find one of the twins. He and a neighbor kid had gone into our woods and did not come back home for an hour and would not answer her when she called his name. Other twin told her that he said he was going to run away. Sitter is 14 and was very scared and upset.
I hurried home as fast as I could get there. I work about an hour away so it seemed to take forever. On the way, I called my parents and some friends that live close to ask if they could go help. The neighbor kid's Dad is a volunteer fireman and called the fire dept. to have them help. The sitter's dad also came out. There were probably 25 people searching our property and adjacent fields and woods.
W called several times on the way home and was very upset. She was helping with a sale that the group that she is pres. of puts on every year and was 45 min. from home. She said she was on her way. She was crying and very emotional and saying little things that made me think maybe she was starting to realize some of the mistakes she has been making with the kids in this whole sitch.
I called home and D6 answered. She was crying and said she was in the house all alone while everyone looked for her brother. I calmed her down and talked to her the rest of the way home.
I was about 5 min. from home and she called and said that the sitter's dad had found our S. She was relieved and said she had talked to him and now she felt bad for yelling at him on the phone. He was scared and upset, too. She then said she was going back to her sale and would be home later. So much for learning her lesson. I told her I would take care of things.
S called me a couple of times and was crying and I told him I would be home in a minute, try to relax and it would all be fine.
I got home and gave him a hug and let him cry. I told him we would eat supper and talk about it later. My parents were still there and other people were leaving. I talked to the sitter and asked if she was okay, she said she was. I talked to her dad, thanked him and told him I was sorry to get them involved in this. He was very understanding and said not to worry, he was just glad everything turned out alright.
W called a while later and said she was headed home. I have since learned that her sister told her to get her a$$ home and be with her family. When she got there, we both talked to our S and she asked him if anything was bothering him. He said no and just cried. We both hugged him and each other.
Later that nite, we were outside in the garage talking about the whole evening, what his punishment would and should be, how scared and worried she was, etc. She turned to walk in the house and I gently grabbed her arm and turned her around and held her. She held me back, tight, for several minutes. We didn't speak at all. I tried to let go several times and she held on. When she finally did let go, she held on to my hand for several seconds and squeezed it.
Just a quick aside; when his brother told the sitter he was running away, this was something he said several days ago. I collect knives and have all of the Rambo knives and the twins think they are very cool. S took one of the knives out to the woods and was sawing on trees, shopping branches, etc. He didn't want to get caught with the knife. That's the story he gave us.
The following days have proved to be no less confusing. On Sat., W was still wondering what would cause our S to do something like this and why his grades and behavior at school were so much worse than usual. I looked and her and told her that it was really pretty simple.
W: What do you mean? M: I won't state the obvious, but let me ask you something. How many times have any of the kids asked you why you sleep on the couch?
W: Never.
M: How many times have they asked why we don't wear our rings anymore?
W: Never.
M: Well, they have asked me, especially S and I'm tired of making excuses. When we told them what was going on, I thought maybe they would feel more comfortable talking to you about all of this.
W: They have never asked me about it. What's your point?
M: My point is, I have told them to ask you because I was tired of lying about it. Saying you were on the couch because your back hurt or you were sick or whatever. None of them will ask you because they told me they don't want to bother you or make you mad.
W: That's BS, they can talk to me about anything and they know it.
I stopped the conversation and said that we both know what would be best for the kids. I went outside and cut grass, and the kids all came out later to ride on the trailer and pick up sticks in the yard.
That night, she slept in our bed for the first time since April.
Sun. her family had booked a ride on a house boat and then were going to cook out. I haven't been to anything on her family's side since Christmas. She went to church with us, got to see the twins serve-they were so proud mom finally got to see them-and went out for donuts as is our usual routine. When we got home, she started getting things ready to go. I was outside doing something and she was loading the van and asked me if I wanted to bring a sweatshirt. I just said yes and went on with what I was doing. Anyway, I went along and had a good time.
She has been back in bed every night since then. Really, no other change on her part. If anything, she's a little more uptight. This morning, she was really wound up. It was so much easier when I had to get the four kids ready myself than with her there helping. I know she is adjusting to her new job and juggling sitters and just stuff. I get it. When she does go off on me about not doing this right or getting out the wrong clothes or whatever, I don't say a word or I just smile and move on to something else. NBD.
Wow, that really was the short version! It's been interesting, to say the least. Not getting my hopes up but am mastering the art of detachment. At least I think I am.
I just need to quit f'ing around and being Mr. Pansy and do it.