A new beginning to an end

[ImprovedRomeo]

Sol, unlike women very few men leave unless there's another woman. But whether there is someone or not does it make a difference? I asked yesterday why you wanted him to feel sad and remorseful. You said you did because he hurt you. Of course he did. We're all injured birds here but we all heal whether they feel bad or not. He probably does feel bad at times but they usually have convinced themselves that it is for the best. On top of that they feel they're the victim etc. We all have ways of coping with pain, this is their's.

Yes you did a lot for him, we all did for our spouses, however in their minds we also did them wrong that none of the good stuff matters. It's quite amazing how STBXW selectively remembered every little argument that I couldn't even recall yet she didn't care for millions of fun memories/pains/sorrows/happiness we shared together.

Hating- or more precisely anger is good to help you out of this rut (believe me I was in the rut for a loooong time) but ultimately indifference is where you want to get to. They say the opposite of love is not hate, it's apathy. I think I've finally gotten to that point in my R with STBXW. In fact, I talk to her a couple of times a week in regard to DD and we both go on with our lives. Sometimes I feel a bit sad that she gets me like no one else does in my life today. Not even my own siblings and parents. But perhaps it's an illusion too. Perhaps *I* opened up to her like I never did with anyone else and she heard me but doesn't mean she understands me. Of course, there will be times when I'll come out of the state of indifference and feel hurt again when I find out who she's seeing, when/if she remarries, when/if she's taking vacations with someone else- all the firsts I have to go through. But hopefully she'll be like running into an old girlfriend who's now a mother and has a family. You almost feel like you're friends. But that's a long way from here.

Hang in there!

[soleil]

Sol, unlike women very few men leave unless there's another woman

Noted. I hope he's happy. ::sarcasm::

How long did it take for you to start feeling apathetic, Romeo? I need to be there! I want to be there!

[kat727]

I am not Romeo, but I would say about a 6 months after the divorce I was able to see my future without him. I started to see him and treat him as I would the mailman. Just remember I fought up until the end to save my marriage and I had been in that situation for 2 years.

I do still slip on occasion as I know I might in a couple of weeks when he marries his affair partner. I even had a pretty long conversation last night with him(regarding the cancer and the kids). We aren't friends but I try to keep him up to date with the kids as far as school and health matters. Everything else is up to them.

It also helped to visualize throwing that darn rope as far and as hard as I could. No more reason to pick it up and play the game. You will get there.

kat

[CityGirl]

He's happy on the 'high' but that won't last forever.

People who make choices based on their emotions and feelings never remain as happy as they claim to be.

Reality will set in one day. You might never know a thing about it but it will. No human being is immune to the grieving process and the longer your H delays his, the worse it will be.

You can't rush the process because the process is different for everybody. You have said you have been depressed for some time now. There are tools to help you 'rewire' your brain for depression but as you said, you are not keen to AD's.

I can say I have had some expectations that my H would at least be human enough to show me some measure of remorse. Remorse makes one vulnerable though and many WAS are simply not ever going to allow vulnerability towards the LBS to show.

We have all lived our own experiences and I think we have all learned some lessons along the way. I don't buy the notion that time heals all because it doesn't. Time does give you a new perspective though.

Personally (and this is certainly just my opinion) I think when you are in the middle of the legal phase LOTS is stirred up again and again. For those that can finagle a divorce by going to the courthouse and signing a document and being done, well, consider yourself beyond fortunate. The constant talks with the attnys, the court dates and the steady stream of documents to review and revise is equal to the most unpleasant full time job one can imagine. It's an incredibly stressful, frightening and emotional process.

But much of what you are feeling now are things your H will have to address one day in his own mind. As I said, he is a human being and all the "new girls" in the world won't make him immune to the process.

And you can really look at any situation where you have no emotional investment and see the parallels. My dad died four years ago. Of course I am still sad about it! Of course I was left with all kinds of questions he will never be able to answer. Of course I think about him. And yes, from time to time I do feel angry that he waited so long to get treatment and then it was too late. My sister on the other hand still feels things about my dad and his death in a much different way than I do. To her it is still very fresh. She saw a grief C for a long time after he died.

Two different people (my sister and me) who had the exact same experience are still processing and coping four years later in VERY different ways. And I think a divorce is very much like that. There is no correct speed in how you rectify a major life trauma. Make no mistake about it though... nobody is immune to eventually feeling *something* about it.

[ImprovedRomeo]

Noted. I hope he's happy. ::sarcasm::

Sorry. I've purposely avoided saying it in the past.

As for him being happy, well chances are he will be for a limited period of time. Ultimately though any relationship built on lies and infidelity is doomed to fail. One or the other will repeat their patterns- it's only a matter of time.

As for me, well I've been on this board since 2006 if that gives you any idea lol But for most people it's between a year to two years. In my case it wasn't the time (obviously) it was the realization of what I had become. I'd become passive, weak and not me who I truly was. I was afraid to say and act normal and even when she was reaching for the juggalar I was being nice to her because I still cared for her, I still didn't want to see her suffer, I still felt somehow I was at fault for making her feel this way. How pathetic, how unattractive. It was CTH's casual words that gave me that jolt I needed to wake up. He simply said 'Don't be a martyr'- don't know why on that day those words did it for me. I realized I didn't 'need' her. I was my whole complete person and I had everything in my life I could ask for: DD, siblings, parents, a house, clothes, food, cars...hell what the hell did I need her for? laundry? I can do that myself! sex? I could do that myself too OK seriously, I wanted her because I cared for her, I cared for her because she was special and she was special because I thought she thought I was special to her too (phew!). Of course, she has the right to not feel that way anymore and that's fine. It doesn't make me any less special or incomplete. So here we are now- I'm content in the life I have, I have everything I need. Life's full of stuff to explore and I feel I'm exploring myself a bit after a long time. I'm doing things how I want and when I want. In fact, the biggest hurdle right now is getting through the divorce...I'd be so happy and relieved when it's finally done. A few months ago I couldn't imagine saying those words but I truly mean them now.

You will get there too.

[antlers]

People who make choices based on their emotions and feelings never remain as happy as they claim to be.

I do believe this.

[soleil]

Today is 1 year since I moved out of my home. It doesn't even feel like it. My time tense is way off. I feel like a year just went by and I did nothing (which isn't true) but I feel like I've been standing in the middle of a thunderstorm and haven't moved.
I am trying and will get through this eventually.

I started to see him and treat him as I would the mailman.
It also helped to visualize throwing that darn rope as far and as hard as I could. No more reason to pick it up and play the game. You will get there.

Good advice. I will pretend the rope is not anywhere near me.

Reality will set in one day. You might never know a thing about it but it will. No human being is immune to the grieving process and the longer your H delays his, the worse it will be.

I don't buy the notion that time heals all because it doesn't. Time does give you a new perspective though.

And you can really look at any situation where you have no emotional investment and see the parallels.

I think you are right on all points. Time does lessen the blwo but sometimes the scar remains. I think that will be the case with my sitch. And of course, the person with less emotional involvement/attachment feels less. Sucks I am on the other side of that.

Noted. I hope he's happy. ::sarcasm::

Sorry. I've purposely avoided saying it in the past..

Why? You didn't want to hurt my feelings? LOL. I can take it. Did you think he was seeing someone that whole time IR? I wonder if he was seeing someone before I left, not that it matters. And if he continued to see random club girl would you guys consider that cheating or not cheating since we were living apart (though doing MC and hanging most weekends, having sex, etc?) To me, it feels like that is cheating. I've never had an age issue in my life before learning this chick he slept with is 23. About the same age I was when I met him. Now I feel...old(er). I know it's sily but damn. That seems so young. He is 33.

It was CTH's casual words that gave me that jolt I needed to wake up. He simply said 'Don't be a martyr'- don't know why on that day those words did it for me.

Interesting cause I remember you said those same words to me! LOL. You told me that when I said I was thinking about signing the house over to stbx. Thank goodness I took everyone's advice and hired my own L (who I think is pretty cool, btw).

[TimeHeals]

but I feel like I've been standing in the middle of a thunderstorm and haven't moved.

One day it will dawn on you that you are living your own life, and whatever you do or don't do is just that. I know what you are talking about, I think. That feeling like you are waiting for the next chapter in your life to begin? Psst... you're in it. You just have to stop spending so much time in your own head

[soleil]

Yes, it seems the world seems it has continued to change and go by and the news and the trees and the world spins spins spins yet I am still here. Waking up and my immediate first thought its automatically and sensation I have that feels like a war going in and on my head (like bombs going off and grenades and toppling buildings) waking up to that without any time in between the moment I open my eyes and that feeling.

It's quite strange. And very dramatic! Haha.

[Atossup]

I like your analogy about the storm.
These people put you there with there thoughtlessness. Nobody should do the things these hartless souls do to others and not feel anything about what they have done.
My ex was one of those. Once she was done that was it. No explanations no working on it. 10 yrs out the door.
At least my current wife seems to be sad.

I saw my ex in the supermarket right after I married NW. She said congrats and she was starting to cry. Thats when it hits them. After you move on and like a baby start sitting up, crawling and than running!!