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Re: When does "piecing" start? [Re: FindingMyVoice] #2083638
09/28/10 02:13 PM
09/28/10 02:13 PM
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pinhead Offline OP
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Why can't she just come out and say it? Say what she feels for me? Say what she's really thinking instead of surface fluff. Take a leap of faith for chrissake.


men don't seek a "mental" connection with other men's wives. they seek a genital connection.

M:46 W:36
M 11y D8 D5
Bomb Drop: Father's Day, 6/20/10
http://bit.ly/bh1dwp
http://bit.ly/aTEpXG
Re: When does "piecing" start? [Re: pinhead] #2083641
09/28/10 02:16 PM
09/28/10 02:16 PM
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Originally Posted By: pinhead
Why can't she just come out and say it? Say what she feels for me? Say what she's really thinking instead of surface fluff. Take a leap of faith for chrissake.

I'm sad for you that she doesn't share that stuff with you more. I'm there too and it hurts. I didn't start keeping up with your thread more regularly until you were in piecing so forgive if you've been through this, but in your M have both of you held back how you feel for one another (verbally I mean) or is it more her?


I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
Re: When does "piecing" start? [Re: FindingMyVoice] #2083642
09/28/10 02:17 PM
09/28/10 02:17 PM
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Originally Posted By: FindingMyVoice
Originally Posted By: pinhead

Her money quote last night was "Why can't we just have a normal conversation?"

What was this in reply to?


It came up when she was saying that she was upset because I hadn't spoken to her much when she was gone.

I think you're right about how me giving her space is taken the wrong way. She sees it as me withdrawing, shutting down. And that probably makes her feel uncomfortable opening up to me. But even when I'm totally involved, she doesn't like to open up.


men don't seek a "mental" connection with other men's wives. they seek a genital connection.

M:46 W:36
M 11y D8 D5
Bomb Drop: Father's Day, 6/20/10
http://bit.ly/bh1dwp
http://bit.ly/aTEpXG
Re: When does "piecing" start? [Re: FindingMyVoice] #2083643
09/28/10 02:18 PM
09/28/10 02:18 PM
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pinhead Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: FindingMyVoice
Originally Posted By: pinhead
Why can't she just come out and say it? Say what she feels for me? Say what she's really thinking instead of surface fluff. Take a leap of faith for chrissake.

I'm sad for you that she doesn't share that stuff with you more. I'm there too and it hurts. I didn't start keeping up with your thread more regularly until you were in piecing so forgive if you've been through this, but in your M have both of you held back how you feel for one another (verbally I mean) or is it more her?


We've both kept a lot of our hurt and feelings to ourselves. That's how we got here; and it's a tough pattern to break.


men don't seek a "mental" connection with other men's wives. they seek a genital connection.

M:46 W:36
M 11y D8 D5
Bomb Drop: Father's Day, 6/20/10
http://bit.ly/bh1dwp
http://bit.ly/aTEpXG
Re: When does "piecing" start? [Re: pinhead] #2083649
09/28/10 02:24 PM
09/28/10 02:24 PM
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Originally Posted By: pinhead
We've both kept a lot of our hurt and feelings to ourselves. That's how we got here; and it's a tough pattern to break.

OMG. Ok this is getting freaky. Yes, that was our M to a 'T'. And yes, it's a tough pattern to break. But I believe in my heart those patterns can be broken.

Well some of the stuff I've learned is that everything that people say and do is either to protect them from pain, or get them more love. People who don't share their feelings are doing to to protect themselves. It's like this warped, unhealthy 'boundary' of sorts. They use it because they don't know how to create healthy ones.

Since you've been piecing, how many of your own feelings for her, and hurts have you been sharing with her?


I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
Re: When does "piecing" start? [Re: FindingMyVoice] #2083653
09/28/10 02:30 PM
09/28/10 02:30 PM
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I guess I haven't been very open with my feelings for her. I wrote a romantic card for her on her trip that she thanked me for, but she also said it reminded her (in a bad way) of when I used to do that type of thing before we dated.

I don't say "I love you" or anything like that, probably a hold over from the DB stuff. And probably because I know she can't return it.


men don't seek a "mental" connection with other men's wives. they seek a genital connection.

M:46 W:36
M 11y D8 D5
Bomb Drop: Father's Day, 6/20/10
http://bit.ly/bh1dwp
http://bit.ly/aTEpXG
Re: When does "piecing" start? [Re: pinhead] #2083654
09/28/10 02:30 PM
09/28/10 02:30 PM
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Quote:
Her money quote last night was "Why can't we just have a normal conversation?" It's as if she'd just like to pretend nothing is wrong between us. I can't live that way, at least not for long.


Your wife has been putting up with this for how long?

Do you know what a normal conversation is? Your wife has given you big hints.

Your wife wants to know all about you (intomesee). Work, family, hobbies, friends, goals, plans, travel, fun, kids, ideas, stories, exercise, health, spiritual, what you are learning - get it? You want affection then give her what she needs. Let her in to your life. It works.


M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12
Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Re: When does "piecing" start? [Re: pinhead] #2083655
09/28/10 02:31 PM
09/28/10 02:31 PM
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Originally Posted By: pinhead

But even when I'm totally involved, she doesn't like to open up.

And that's the sh*tter of it isn't it. It's going to take time, pinhead. That's why I'm so afraid of you giving up. I remember a number of months back, I had something really crappy I had to deal with (old stuff...had to go the courthouse for something and it just made me lose it when I finally got home). So anyways, I blurted it all out to my H and bawled and bawled. This was big for me. In 18 years I'd NEVER cried like that in front of him about ANYTHING, let alone this issue. So anyways my H's reaction amazed me. He TOTALLY 'got involved' held me, talked to me dried my tears... everything.

And you know what I did? I kept trying to pull away. Probably 5 times. Opening up to him like that was so scary, so uncomfortable that I'm the one who couldn't cope.

And it wasn't uncomfortable because I wasn't getting what I needed. It was because it was SO against my pattern... And I've been the one all along complaining that HE couldn't open up to ME.

So anyways, moral of the story is DON'T minimize how SCARY it can be for someone to open up. It could take you guys a lot of time, but don't pass up the opportunity... if you do you'll never know how great it could be...


I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
Re: When does "piecing" start? [Re: FindingMyVoice] #2083657
09/28/10 02:36 PM
09/28/10 02:36 PM
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Originally Posted By: FindingMyVoice
Originally Posted By: pinhead
We've both kept a lot of our hurt and feelings to ourselves. That's how we got here; and it's a tough pattern to break.


Well some of the stuff I've learned is that everything that people say and do is either to protect them from pain, or get them more love. People who don't share their feelings are doing to to protect themselves. It's like this warped, unhealthy 'boundary' of sorts. They use it because they don't know how to create healthy ones.


And it's an easy pattern to fall back into, lol, see my thread.

Like I said before, there's only one of a few root problems that got us all here, but in the midst of it all, loss of effective communication is in 100% of every situation on here, period.

That's how my peicing with (x)W began. We got IT ALL out. ALL the pain, ALL the hurt, ALL the fears. Then we both vowed to never keep things inside and not voice how we feel.


Me 35/XW 33
S13 & S12
M: 10/17/98
OM & S: 07/08
D final 06/09/09
12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing"
06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10
06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Re: When does "piecing" start? [Re: dday101798] #2083659
09/28/10 02:38 PM
09/28/10 02:38 PM
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I agree with that, and we've both been trying to do a much better job of talking when something is bugging us. That's a major improvement I think.

But she's just weary of any relationship talks. Says they make her feel like she's responsible for my feelings, and that all the pressure is on her. In her words, she's "defective."

Last edited by pinhead; 09/28/10 02:38 PM.

men don't seek a "mental" connection with other men's wives. they seek a genital connection.

M:46 W:36
M 11y D8 D5
Bomb Drop: Father's Day, 6/20/10
http://bit.ly/bh1dwp
http://bit.ly/aTEpXG
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