Evening, CL. Just wanted to stop by and say hello, see how your trip went? Hope it provided you with the time, rest and space to help continue reconnecting.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
FMV, Matilda and Piecing Friends, The trip did provide me and us with more time and space to work on improving the connection. There was turbulence towards the end of the trip, but with my self-help book on "The Path to Love" as a guide and a willingness to listen to her complaints, after initial defensiveness, I think this trip will be a catalyst for increased connection and movement towards intimacy.
I'll have to sort it out. Some of the fussing had to do with the stressors inherent in travelling (driving in unfamiliar cities, trying to meet both of our travel needs, on limited time). She wanted more exploration, I was happy to keep going back to beaches we had a good day at. We'll probably need to expand the next trip by several days. We were trying to accomplish too much in not enough time.
During the turbulent last few days, when the emotional thunderstorms filled the day, and my efforts to accommodate her kept failing, I initially was defensive and reactive, but switched to listening and giving her the space to vent, and heard that she values our time together and is deeply hurt if I'm unpleasant to be with. She also wants more affection from me, and wants me to show more gratitude for her kindness and service to the R.
She's already talking about a return trip so that we can explore what we didn't get to do this trip. A return trip in the winter would be fine with me.
There were highlights. At one of the Salsa venues, my W entered me in a dance contest. I was paired with an excellent partner (a local version of my W) and won the contest and a $100.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
CL, Just wanted to let ya know I am still reading along..seems like things are going good huh?
Not sure how you feel but with me....... MAN THIS PROCESS IS SLOW a while back on my post I wrote how It felt like I was taking two steps forward and then one step back.... now it just seems like one step forward.. wait wait wait wait... another step forward.. wait wait wait
takc care buddy Doc
Last edited by Dr LOve; 09/21/1012:32 AM.
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
She also wants more affection from me, and wants me to show more gratitude for her kindness and service to the R. CL
I have not heard your wife's side of the story, but I wish your wife would show more gratitude for YOUR kindness and service to the R. And for your patience!!! Then I think you would be more willing/able(?) to show more affection.
I have not heard your wife's side of the story, but I wish your wife would show more gratitude for YOUR kindness and service to the R. And for your patience!!!
Can I get a double amen.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
Then I think you would be more willing/able(?) to show more affection.
I have to be careful not to blame her for not showing more affection. I have to look inside and see what I can do to move towards her request and desire.
I've been focusing on boundaries and companionship this past year. I need to move towards developing a more loving mindset. I think of myself as having self-restraint with my W, but need more compassion. self-expression, listening, and less judgment and reactivity. I'm going to experiment with giving her the space to work thru her emotions, and communicate her concerns with me. I believe that underneath the emotional turbulence is a desire to connect and move forward. Her style with conflict is emotional bluntness rather than a calm approach, which I'll need to accept for now.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Doc, I know what you mean. I don't seem to be going backwards at this time, but slowly forward, as long as I keep working on connection, partnership, and communication.
My W has calmed down a great deal this year and is much easier to live with. She is still temperamental (and probably will always be to some extent). She is asking for partnership, and wants me to tell her if something is bothering me. She also wants me to watch my words and tone (she thinks I need to manage certain stressors better). She also wants more affection.
I have to make the transition to a partner mindset (it's been awhile).
She puts time into household cleaning, and has managed the planning of our trips. She keeps talking about job hunting but hasn't yet begun.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
An unresolved problem continues to be my W's unemployment. She does have a one day cooking job that helps to pay expenses, but my W (and I support) wants to hold onto positive activities and a lifestyle that takes a disposable income. Between her cooking job and my job, we make a respectable income that would in many cases afford a comfortable lifestyle. However, we choose to belong to a fitness club, take two vacations a year, and take weekly dance lessons. I support holding onto these positives, otherwise one is working to keep one's home, but doesn't have a life outside of it.
My W is not initiating a job-hunting process. A part-time job would provide the disposable income she desires for leisure activities, and for miscellaneous expenses like vet bills, car repair, home repair and other items. I've waited three months for her to begin moving forward on her own, and she hasn't. Her fear is that she won't be able to take a vacation for a year, if she starts a new job. I think having more structure in her week would be helpful to her, as she seems to sit in front of the computer and ruminate too much. i think a part-time job would be the next step for her to relieve financial stress, so she job-hunt from a better place.
My dilemma is how to help her move forward in a loving way. She has been using the word partnership lately. I think she has a responsibility as a partner to contribute more to the household income to maintain the lifestyle she wants.
She asked me if I would go back to Puerto Rico in a month or two. I think that is too soon. I don't want to collude in her procrastination. I would be willing to take a winter trip.
We've been thru this before with her lack of job-hunting self-initiative during unemployment. I probably held frustration and anger towards her and didn't help matters. I want to handle this situation better this time.
We're off to our first ballroom dance convention on Tuesday. We will be performing three different routines as part of a team there. We'll return on Sunday. We've put a lot of practice time over the summer, and have been diligent about personal practices, lessons, and attending practice sessions at the studio. The one instructor seems pleased with our progress; the other one seems perpetually frustrated with us. We looked as good as we're capable of this weekend, with the knowledge that there's room for continued skill-building.
CL
Last edited by Concerned_Listener; 09/26/1001:02 PM.
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Hope the ballroom convention will be a fun filled activity.
Re. your wife's lack of initiative looking for a job....do you think she is concerned about being turned down and, therefore, is a afraid to start? It seems a part time job would be ideal....maybe managing a vacation without even having to take vacation days if she has some flexibility with the days she works. I have one suggestion of what NOT to do: Don't cut out job notices and leave them in plain sight (that is what my ex would do. I already had a job I liked, but he thought I should make more money). Do you think working on a budget together would help your wife realize a part time job is needed to continue dance lessons and vacations without adding stress to your relationship?
Good morning, CL. That is a tough problem isn't it. Tell me, what kinds of conversations have you had, around her working? And, what was her history... do you have children she's been caring for? We don't have kids ourselves, but from speaking with girlfriends who've been out of the job market for years caring for children, gathering the courage to step back into the job market is a formidable task. Even a friend of ours who stepped away from a fairly high-level professional consulting role has cold feet about it now. Could fear be behind her procrastination? What kinds of marketable skills does she have? Is she in need of new or re-training?
Also, I think a lot of people just don't know 'how' to go about finding a job. That alone can cause a lot of procrastination. I know I had this problem. Could I suggest a fabulous book? It's called ' What Colour is Your Parachute' by Dick Bolles. It's a job-hunting and career-changers manual. It's easy to read and actually can strengthen self-esteem with exercises geared to exploring your strengths. Surprisingly, the exercises are quite fun and I think your W would find it very productive and enjoyable. Let us know how things proceed CL. Take care! FMV.
Last edited by FindingMyVoice; 09/26/1001:37 PM.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
