Still Moving Forward

[TulsaTime]

BM,

Here is what I see. You still love him. I see it mentioned that if he would reciprocate, things could be different.

I don't blame you. Iknow you have tried and are emotinally spent. I just notice that you do have feelings for him.

I wish you the best. I know you will make it either way.

[BeingMe]

Thanks for posting SA, Wii, and TT. I appreciate your viewpoints on my sitch.

H was never the romantic type, but he tried on occasion. I'm not wanting romance all the time, but it would be nice to have closeness, intimacy without s*x necessarily. I don't believe a man cannot learn to be romantic, and I have never asked for much. Maybe that's the problem. I've always been accommodating to his needs, while he rarely is that way with me. For instance (and I may have already posted this, so, sorry for the repeat), he imagines that helping with the housework is every girls dream H, but no, I don't care whether he does or not (nice to have, but I can do without). My LL is quality time, being with each other and just talking, having his attention on me and no-one else. Selfish, I know, but that's what I like, and it was rarely granted. And, yes, I have told him this many, many times, in various ways, including with spoken words, email, over the phone, notes, etc.

The doctor has not checked his testosterone levels, that I know of. He may not be comfortable talking to me about it. I wonder if he will even ask for the tests from the doc .. I will ask. No harm in trying.

You know, Wii, it didn't occur to me that he might've been depressed before the EA. I was going through my own MLC, read change, rather than crisis. I had turned inwards, trying to see where I fit in the universe, with children growing older, some leaving, etc. He was quite young, and I never thought he would turn away .... he never said anything that I could hear. Suddenly, he was completely severed from me emotionally, and as I found out later (after much confusion, and lying) he was attached to OW. He did say that she made him feel good, even from a distance. It took about a year before he ended it himself, but here he is, still not the old H, and not one to which I wish to be married.

TT, you get the idea that I am still in love with my H. I don't feel in love. It's been a long journey, and a lot of pain, and I haven't wanted to admit to myself for the longest time, that I have no intimate feelings for him anymore. Could I fall back in love with him? Probably, but he would have to do some serious work. It's not just the EA that has been a problem in our M ... there have been other very hurtful issues, but I never gave up on him, until now. It's just too much, too long, and he hasn't tried (in my opinion) to win me back at all. He just assumes I will instantly forgive, and more importantly, forget and trust. He thinks that is part of being in love, but it's not. When you keep hurting your spouse over and over again, and you know that the things you do, if found out, will hurt her, and damage the trust and love she has, then I wonder if that spouse will ever change, ever really care to do any work. He was very quick to say, "yes, perhaps it's time to call it quits," when I sent him the email, so I think there is a level of relief for him ... 'cause he ain't into me one little bit, except as a friend, a listener of all his work troubles (because, of course, I am fascinated by the software development industry, and I sure don't mind at all when he yawns when I am explaining my interests ... oh well, some friend), and as a co-parent/grandparent.

'nuff said, for now. As you say, TT, I will make it either way.

[BeingMe]

It's my birthday today. Another year lived, another year gone by where nothing in my M has happened. I did get the standard red roses and spa card. I appreciate it and look forward to having that massage. I know he thinks he is being romantic, and for him it is. But, there is no excitement for me, no spontaneity or surprises, and still no intimacy on an emotional or physical level.

Still, it's a good day to be alive. I am blessed considering that there was a possibility that I may not have made it, as my roommate at the cancer Lodge did not. I still think about her and wish she could've been cured or had more time, but it was her time to go. I try to enjoy each day as a precious gift.

I will be off to see my new grandchild next week for two weeks. He was born a couple of weeks ago. I wish my daughter lived closer, so I could be of more help to her. It's not easy having 3 kids under the age of three.

Take care, y'all.

[ericmsant2]

Happy Birthday BR!

I just read your thread and I agree with Tulsa...you still love him.

Having said this, I think you always will. You appear to have tried everything you possible could have. You appear content in your life right now.

I agree that a M with no intimacy is bound to fail in the long run.

As you have said...you will be fine either way. My only advice...what ever you decide to do...make sure it is REALLY want you want to do.

God Bless,
Eric

[seeking answers]

BeingMe,

Happy belated birthday sweetie!

I love red roses! I used to receive them 3 times a year. H sent them on my birthday, on Valentine's Day, and our anniversary.

I haven't had that gesture for a year now. I did buy some for myself once, but all they did is made me cry.

I hope you enjoyed your bday, the flowers, and the massage to come!

[punkin]

Happy Belated Birthday! I was just catching up on your thread.

My husband always sent me roses, too. Red ones. I like yellow. He got is right once in twenty years.

Try and put this chit out of your mind and enjoy that grandbaby. Maybe if your D can't move closer to you, you should consider moving closer to her. I've found the grands are a great way to occupy my mind.(Keeping them from destroying my house)But I love them, and they love me, unconditionally.

[BeingMe]

My youngest daughter just turned 18. I can't believe time has gone by so fast. She makes me so proud, just being the young lady that she is. My H made it back that day for her birthday. He had been to China on business, and he is still jet-lagged.

Loving school. The weather has been great. Visited my middle daughter after the birth of our first grandson. He is very, very cute.

Life goes on!

[BeingMe]

So, H and I are in the throes of putting our SA together. We had an argument ... quite intense, since he never argues, just walks away. I know now what he thinks of me. I may still have feelings, but he is quite devoid of any for me, and as I have stated many times on this board and to him ... this has been going on for 5 years since EA. He says he tried, but I didn't see any trying. He says I have a twisted mind. Nice of him to refer to my brain since a tumor has just recently occupied it, so it could literally be twisted. Who knows!?

The last straw was his traveling for work ... it was supposed to be 2 weeks between 5 or 6 weeks. No problem. I could handle this while we try and work on our issues. But, in the last few months he has been home around a week in a month. I am just so lonely. This is not what I signed up for when we moved to this place. If we were a happy couple, then it wouldn't be so bad ... I would look forward to him coming home, and we would be happy for that one week or so, but now it's just miserable. I told him, I'm done, and he is happy for it to be so. My friends tell me not to do so, but he hasn't asked me to change my mind. I will not ask him to change his again. I went down that road 5 years ago, and look what it got me. So, this is it ... the end. I am sad, but I know I will find a new life without him. I am also sad because all my kids are on the way out too.

[BeingMe]

Dash it all! Can nothing in my life be settled? Friends came to visit this last week, so H had to sleep in my bed. Well, we ML for the first time in almost 2 years ... twice in that week. I thought I was over it all, but it seems TulsaTime was right ... I do still love him, but I had so suppressed it, that I couldn't feel anything. And now that we have ML, it all comes out. I can't take this anymore.

I asked him if he still wanted to separate, and he said that it's probably a good idea to do so, that we had been through so much crap. I kinda agree with him. But then there cannot be any lovemaking. Now he's away for three weeks overseas. I don't want to think about this anymore.

The confusion continues. Thanks, those who read this, I needed the stress dump.

[WCW]

(((BM)))
I know you're tired of life as it is, but it feels like you are pushing for a final answer. Be sure you are ready for an outcome you do not want if you continue to push.

ML - women want an emotional connection before ML while men want ML to feel an emotional connection.