LBS Living...

[irishblessings]

Time to move on...to a new thread:)! My third thread - this is a LONG journey and I know that I am just in the beginning.

Today I was included in several emails from the family regarding arrangements for niece's funeral. H cc'd me on an email to his work about taking half a sick day and informing them about the upcoming bereavement leave. Not sure why he cc'd me - but it's just another instance where I am baffled - but quiet. No responses from me.

My oldest D talked to me today and said "Mom, you need to start acting differently - get mad, get angry, think that he is an a$$hole - because he is. You don't have to confront him - but just feel it and begin to let yourself think and do things in a different way."

I think she is right. I am not looking to "poke the tiger" - I am needing to not let it matter so much to me right now. I need to WANT to avoid him instead of NEEDING to avoid him. I am still struggling with how to deal with recognizing that we each contributed to problems in our marriage - but I wanted to be held accountable by him if I was screwing up - and he didn't want to be accountable to me. In his MLC mind - I wasn't the one he wanted, so it wasn't worth the effort. How do you make amends with someone who doesn't want you in their life?

Anyways - that's my latest struggle - and I know many of you will perceive me as continuing to blame myself, etc. And there is probably some truth to that - but more I think these are the issues I am facing as I continue to detach. I've detached physically - no calls, texts, etc. from me - no visuals of him since July 30th - but emotionally I think there continues to be these strands that haven't completely let go.

Any perspective would be appreciated!

[imLIN]

I had a hard time with the idea that I could have spent over half of my life with someone, actually lived with H longer then my own parents!...and yet it seemed he wanted nothing to do with me...how does that happen...was I so aweful?

All the answers are...it really has nothing to do with you...yes you made mistakes, everyone does...to err is human, remember? But no one ever deserves to be abandoned or cheated on!

It isn't you...it REALLY isn't you...but now, to keep yourself sane, is a good time to work on you!

Lin

[Albuquerque]

IB

Believe me, you're not the only one struggling with detachment. I have my good days/weeks and bad days/weeks. Sometimes I feel I've reached at least a greater level of acceptance and then I'll seem to backtrack. I know that I still maintain a deep-seated expectation that things will work out. I'm trying to tackle that because I know logistically, there are no guarantees. By maintaining that as an EXPECTATION, I may be setting myself up for future pain and preventing my own growth. By keeping that as a HOPE but planning for a solo future, I should be OK either way. But that is SO much easier said that done.

[ericmsant2]

IB

this is a LONG journey and I know that I am just in the beginning.

The length and the type of journey is what you define IB. Just remember that you control YOUR life and how you choose to live it.

Not sure why he cc'd me - but it's just another instance where I am baffled - but quiet. No responses from me.

It has been my experience that you will often see behavior from some one is a crisis that makes not sense. The challenge for me was to finally realize that you should not expand any effort trying to figure out what it is they are trying to say or why they do the things they do. The solution – DETACH.

My oldest D talked to me today and said "Mom, you need to start acting differently - get mad, get angry, think that he is an a$$hole - because he is. You don't have to confront him - but just feel it and begin to let yourself think and do things in a different way."

I think she is right.

IMO – she is. You need to get angry, you need to feel it and NO you should not confront him. Do you know what repressed anger is? Depression. IB, you have a right to be angry…it is what YOU do with this anger that will determine where you are. Do you use the anger to help you define where you went wrong, what you need to change and propel you forward OR do you use to hurl insults his way and call him and as*hole. FWIW – calling him a bunch of name would probably make you feel better in the short run BUT would it HELP YOU achieve what you want to achieve for YOU? Probably not, but your D is on to something….the anger IB…has to come out.

I kept my bottled up for months and one day exploded. Did I feel better? Yes initially and then I realized that my response what NOT how I wanted to responded. Nor was it WHO I wanted to be.

I am still struggling with how to deal with recognizing that we each contributed to problems in our marriage

Be honest with yourself is the first step. The second is detachment. Once you detach and are no longer driven by the emotional tornado that is MLC, you begin the process of looking inside yourself. It is then, that you begin to really realize where and how you played a role in all of this. The tendency will then be to beat the living chit out of yourself, which is why IMO, many do not dig that deep. IF you begin to realize that you are beating yourself up – STOP and remember this – ALL of us, did the best we could with what we knew at the time. Now that you know better…it’s quite simple – do better. Ya know, we tell everyone to focus on themselves and the reason for this is quite simple. It is a win win for YOU. Regardless of what happens in your M – YOU will be better.

but I wanted to be held accountable by him if I was screwing up

Why did YOU need HIM to be accountable? Look at this IB. Why do you need anyone to be accountable for YOUR actions?

I wasn't the one he wanted, so it wasn't worth the effort.

I have said this to others and I’ll say it again….DO YOU really know that YOU are not the one he wanted? Stop trying to read his mind. Maybe he said this to you…I don’t know BUT even if he did, let me ask you a question. Have YOU ever said anything in anger that you regretted or better yet did not mean? Remember IB, he is angry – angry at himself. His anger though is not YOUR problem – it is his.

do you make amends with someone who doesn't want you in their life?

1 – when you forgive you will find that YOU can make amends. The really cool thing is that when you forgive and heal you realize that it is YOUR decision.

2 – “doesn’t want you in their life” – Yeah, maybe right this very second he does not want you in his life BUT isn’t it possible the he can change his mind? Isn’t it possible that he may need a lot more time to work through all of his issues? Stop focusing on HIM and get back to FOCUSING on YOU.

but emotionally I think there continues to be these strands that haven't completely let go.

Don’t rush it…you will let go when YOU are suppose to let go. Instead of focusing on why the stands are still there, why no focus on some of the things/dreams that you had for your life and start living them.

the answers are...it really has nothing to do with you

IB – read ImLin’s response up there ^^^^ …..YOUR H’s issues are HIS – you IB focus on YOU.

By keeping that as a HOPE but planning for a solo future, I should be OK either way.

IB – never loose HOPE – never… As Alb mentioned…act as if you will be alone. Stop fighting it…just let go IB.. Let go..

IB, everything that you are going through right now, the emotions, the feelings, the pain – all if it is normal. Be gentle on yourself and be still…what is gonna happen will happen. In God’s time IB, not ours..in HIS.

I’ll leave you with this….IB – close your eyes tonight…clear your mind…and stop for a second and think about your dreams….the dreams that you had a single IB – what did she want to do, what did she aspire to be.. All of it can be yours if you take that step…

That step….

To be YOU

YOU are exceptional…just because YOU are YOU.

You define YOU IB – no one else – just YOU.

God Bless,
Eric

[irishblessings]

Thanks Lin and Eric -

Tonight / too much wine / first social outing out / only single among a table of married friends - too much / got home and broke down - SOB SOB SOB

H told oldest D that he was seeing someone / now I am broken. Told her that he hadn't filed for D because didn't have enough $$ to hire lawyer. I am broken by continuing to be told status through external conversations.

I am tired of feeling this way!

[ericmsant2]

IB

I'm sorry that you are feeling the way that you are feeling. I will pray for you today.

I am tired of feeling this way!

Did you see my previous post.....are you Angry yet?

This is MLC stuff is some really hard chit to deal with IB...I know that you have heard that before BUT please keep this in mind as you go through this.

too much wine

FTR - sometime that is a good thing. LOL

I am broken

Your only BROKEN if YOU CHOOSE to be broken. Choose something else IB....Choose to focus on YOU.

BTW, how is the dog? Still making a mess?

Eric

[dl443322]

Sweetie, I'm so sorry. I know this hurts.

I think I have told you this before, you really need to let your kids know that you would rather not discuss their father with them. Right now it is not something you can handle.

I want you to listen closely. YOU are not broken. You are not. You are sad and upset and discouraged. But you are not broken. He is.

And he is the only one who can fix him.

As for you, you have been dealing with a lot of tough stuff that really sucks.

But, it is what you do now that matters. And the sooner you can detach from him and his actions, the sooner you start to work on you.

Honey, you cannot change what is right now. But you can change how you deal with it. You can change how you view it.

Use this to propel you forward. Right now, you need to take care of you.

Remember that your children are watching. You want to be able to show them how to navigate through life's hurdles. You want them to see that we get knocked down, but we get back up and do what needs to be done.

You may want him in your life but you dont need him in it. You are a capable, caring, responsible, intelligent woman.

Come on now. You can do this. One moment at a time if need be.

You will be ok. I have no doubt about that at all.

[irishblessings]

Thanks all - I value the feedback / can't argue with anything posted here. I am better than this. I have survived a VERY tough week.

I receive DivorceCare Daily Emails and this week the topic has been grief. It is time for me to maneuver my way through this tunnel. And I think I am ready.

I am going to begin taking more steps to get this mess moving forward.

I know I've said it a million times - but your friendship, time, support is so appreciated. I am blessed to have found this place!

[punkin]

Irish,

You HAVE had a very difficult week, and came through it with dignity and your head held high. That's ALL you have to think about. And by the way, to talk to D about filing for a Divorce before speaking to you is a thoughtless, ignorant move. It's also a bunch of crap. One can get the paperwork and file for oneself online, if that is what one wants. It's all blowing smoke. Just move slowly but surely ahead as you have been.

Oh, and I know about the day after hangover. Now I have an, shall we say, adverse reaction to the chemicals in the hot tub?

[ericmsant2]

Irish

And I think I am ready.

You may be ready but be gently on yourself. You may have days when you feel strong, detached and just overall okay and then something will happen that makes you feel like you took a step backwards. It is very normal. Don't fight it. Feel the feelings. Allow yourself the time to be angry, hurt, feel resentful, etc. All of these feelings must be felt in order for you to move through this.

FWIW - I am proud of you! Keep being the person that Irish wants to be. Keep believing, keep praying, keep steppin...

Here is a quote for ya....
True love and peace is knowing you will spend every day, of every week, of every month, of every season, of every year for the rest of your life thinking, 'This is exactly what I want.

Thinking about what YOU want for YOU Irish....you will be happy that you did.

God Bless,
Eric