Are you active in a church? I found my MC through my pastor.
Yes, I am active in my church. Unfortunately, my church is different in that they don't send members to an outside MC. Instead they offer scriptural counsel. My husband has been advised that God hates a divorcing, but they can't make him stay married to me.
Anyhow, that brings up another issue. We attend the same church. We have been sitting on opposite sides of the church. It's a small group that meets together and we pretty much all know each other pretty well. Everyone has noticed that we aren't together. Some know that we are not living together at this time. Some know that he has filed for divorce. Everyone hugs me and tells me they love me and that they hope we can work it out. They do the same to him. These people are my friends, my family, my support group, but they are his as well. It's so hard seeing him there and not being able to sit with him, to talk to him, to hold his hand. Last night I tried my best to look my best, hold my head high, smile instead of cry, focus on the message from the minister rather than let my mind wander. Afterwards, when the hugs started, I started crying. I can't help it. I would give anything to get him back. So how do I pretend that I'm ok and getting on with my life when my friends hug me and I fall apart as a result?
Another problem is when I get an invite to go out, for instance to a festival this weekend. My friend invited me and then said...."ohhhh wait...your husband might be there". All of my friends are friends of his as well. I don't want people to feel like they are choosing sides. I don't want him to feel like he can't have support because I'm hogging our support group. Ideas? Advice?
Btw, I started taking Xanax and I promise it makes me feel worse and more depressed.
Your therapist is not harsh she is Realistic. She gave you excellent advice.
Alot of men will be reading your thread, if we helped you would you be willing to help them?
So does that mean I should listen to her about not reading Divorce Remedy?
No. She's wrong. You may have seen Coach mention the Stockdale Paradox? That's how you should approach this and your therapist should know better. Many therapists have the strange notion that although a person's feelings towards their partner can change and become negative, it's impossible for those feelings to reverse themselves again.
Stockdale Paradox:
You must retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties.
AND at the same time…
You must confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Your therapist is not harsh she is Realistic. She gave you excellent advice.
Alot of men will be reading your thread, if we helped you would you be willing to help them?
So does that mean I should listen to her about not reading Divorce Remedy?
alot of people on this site will type in capital letters when asked if someone should give the BS a copy of DB, "Don't let them (your WAS) read it. It's like giving away your play book."
Bah. It doesn't matter. Read. Read alot. It's all very intuitive. Probably nothing you don't already know. In fact, I was reading it again last night. I read about Randy the 29 year old labourer and Interrupting Destructive Habits.
Let's consider "More of the Same."
"When People continue doing the same old thing to solve a problem that doesn't work, the situation will never improve."
Does this seem to fit? When you weren't geting the attention you wanted from your husband, you became desperate and sought attention online. You are not getting the attention you want from your husband now and in desperation you are crying in church in front of him and your friends.
You are doing "More of the Same." You are acting out in desperation. You are not learning and growing from your experience.
When your spouse seeks emotional and physical "attention" from others, Set them Free. Let them go. Move on with your life and leave them to question what is really important in their lives and what they need to discover in order to love themselves and to love others.
Hanging in there, telling each other to set boundaries that you will not share your spouse with another WHILE THEY ARE LYING AND CHEATING AND SHARING THEMSELVES WITH OTHERS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE is not even a boundary. It is a desperate attempt to avoid the obvious.
I have read 10, 15, 20 guys on this site over the past year whose wives behaved in this same manner who are still on this site and have made zero progress in reconciling their marital problems. All the while showing "unconditional love," analyzing every word and move they make while telling each other not to believe anything they say and half of what they do, thinking their 180s and GALs are working and telling themselves their spouses behavior is just script, as their chances grow slimmer and slimmer.
This post should be inspiration to many. Remember this is all very simple. If you are to have any chance to savage this marriage you need to stop YOUR needy behaviors as soon as possible. Acting desperate or needy is probably the MOST common mistake guys make in these situations.
NEXT. Take 30, 45 - 60 days of NO CONTACT. You have been dumped. It would be ridiculous to think your wife doesn't think you love her. She knows that. That is not the reason she left you. Take a month or two to better understand what "love" is by learning how to love yourself again and to decide if this is someone you really want to be involved with.
