Is there any hope for us?

[So Ashamed]

SOA, I just want to say your experience is similar to mine in that when the separation occurred, my H moved on pretty fast.

Therefore, I am going to agree with the PMA who said he probably already had one foot out the door to move on so quickly....

Either he was a time-bomb waiting to explode from past issues or he has been planning this for awhile and saw his opportunity. I'm just saying from my years of experience dealing with these type of stories. It is a rare occurence for a spouse to just walk without having another gameplan lined up.

Have you guys been unhappy for awhile? Why was he so quick to walk?? From my perspective it looks like he has been checking out for awhile. Or he might have been cheating on you as well.

Yeah, actually, I broke his trust once early in our marriage. Nothing to do with cheating on him, but I lied about my past. He forgave me. He probably has decided he didn't want to give me a 3rd chance to hurt him.

[PMA_Baby!]

SOA - We all make mistakes. Learning and growing from them is what counts.

Unless H is hiding something or someone from you I think it's a matter of time before he can come to his senses. I definitely see hope.

Again, my advice, goes along what others are saying. Stop thinking/worrying about H. Start focusing on you and your NEEDS/WANTS. What makes you happy? You dont need a therapist to do some internal searching. They just help point you in the right direction.

Why would you want someone that doesnt want you or is so quick to leave you??? What does that say about your self-esteen??

Use this time to become the best YOU YOU can be. Dont join the army or anything just use this time to reflect on what makes you happy. It's so easy to get caught up in the "cat and mouse" chase game that you forget why your even chasing. STOP!! Relax. Nothing is going to happen for months if YOU dont want it to. The D process can takes years if the other party doesnt want it.

Here's the list that everyone is given when they first come to this site. Read and reflect on each item. Then APPLY it. NO CONTACT. You need to regain CONTROL and STRENGTH by going dark and GAL/PMA

Godspeed.

1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what
you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because
he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

[So Ashamed]

Last thing I'm gonna say today. He thinks we can be divorced in 4-6 weeks if I don't contest it. So I just need to follow the above rules and leave it?

[PMA_Baby!]

Ask as many questions as u want. We r all here to help.

4-6 weeks. Possible with no kids involved. Depends on state.

Regardless, he is saying this based on how the OLD YOU has acted.

What about the NEW YOU?? The STRONG, CONFIDENT, ATTRACTIVE YOU?? That guys are lining up to date. Would he still give that YOU up??? Become the greener grass.... Start working out... Get hair did.. new sexy clothes... perfume.... join clubs.... make new friends... women have a lot more power then men do.. that's for sho...

Albert Einstein - "No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it."

[soleil]

Yeah it's really important you follow that advice, SOA.

This one is super duper important and conveys many of the things listed there:

17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

[bustorama]

Your H has given you the chance to get away from the computer, get away from those "friends," and re-invent yourself to be the best person you can be. Focus on yourself, and seize it.

[Steve McQueen]

What about the NEW YOU?? The STRONG, CONFIDENT, ATTRACTIVE YOU?? That guys are lining up to date.

You don't think before you post, do you? I am sure that this is the last thing this guy wants : more guys stroking his wife's ego and fulfilling her fantasies. Wow.

This is an important thread. One that should be read and mimicked by many many many men and women on this site. When your spouse seeks emotional and physical "attention" from others, Set them Free. Let them go. Move on with your life and leave them to question what is really important in their lives and what they need to discover in order to love themselves and to love others.

Hanging in there, telling each other to set boundaries that you will not share your spouse with another WHILE THEY ARE LYING AND CHEATING AND SHARING THEMSELVES WITH OTHERS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE is not even a boundary. It is a desperate attempt to avoid the obvious.

I have read 10, 15, 20 guys on this site over the past year whose wives behaved in this same manner who are still on this site and have made zero progress in reconciling their marital problems. All the while showing "unconditional love," analyzing every word and move they make while telling each other not to believe anything they say and half of what they do, thinking their 180s and GALs are working and telling themselves their spouses behavior is just script, as their chances grow slimmer and slimmer.

This post should be inspiration to many. Remember this is all very simple. If you are to have any chance to savage this marriage you need to stop YOUR needy behaviors as soon as possible. Acting desperate or needy is probably the MOST common mistake guys make in these situations.

NEXT. Take 30, 45 - 60 days of NO CONTACT. You have been dumped. It would be ridiculous to think your wife doesn't think you love her. She knows that. That is not the reason she left you. Take a month or two to better understand what "love" is by learning how to love yourself again and to decide if this is someone you really want to be involved with.

3.

[So Ashamed]

What about the NEW YOU?? The STRONG, CONFIDENT, ATTRACTIVE YOU?? That guys are lining up to date.

You don't think before you post, do you? I am sure that this is the last thing this guy wants : more guys stroking his wife's ego and fulfilling her fantasies. Wow.

This is an important thread. One that should be read and mimicked by many many many men and women on this site. When your spouse seeks emotional and physical "attention" from others, Set them Free. Let them go. Move on with your life and leave them to question what is really important in their lives and what they need to discover in order to love themselves and to love others.

Hanging in there, telling each other to set boundaries that you will not share your spouse with another WHILE THEY ARE LYING AND CHEATING AND SHARING THEMSELVES WITH OTHERS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE is not even a boundary. It is a desperate attempt to avoid the obvious.

I have read 10, 15, 20 guys on this site over the past year whose wives behaved in this same manner who are still on this site and have made zero progress in reconciling their marital problems. All the while showing "unconditional love," analyzing every word and move they make while telling each other not to believe anything they say and half of what they do, thinking their 180s and GALs are working and telling themselves their spouses behavior is just script, as their chances grow slimmer and slimmer.

This post should be inspiration to many. Remember this is all very simple. If you are to have any chance to savage this marriage you need to stop YOUR needy behaviors as soon as possible. Acting desperate or needy is probably the MOST common mistake guys make in these situations.

NEXT. Take 30, 45 - 60 days of NO CONTACT. You have been dumped. It would be ridiculous to think your wife doesn't think you love her. She knows that. That is not the reason she left you. Take a month or two to better understand what "love" is by learning how to love yourself again and to decide if this is someone you really want to be involved with.

3.

Steve, I'm the needy woman in this thread. Your post has me somewhat confused. Your advice sounds like it's for my husband?

[So Ashamed]

OK, met with my therapist today. She told me to stop reading the "Remedy" and learn to accept that my husband is divorcing me. She told me to start packing my things. She was not as harsh as my post makes her sound, but she said I really need to focus on acceptance now. Like I said before, I don't know who to trust. I'm going to keep reading and applying the 7 steps anyway. I have read the list of 37 steps. I printed it off and I'm carrying it with me. I keep re-reading it. Thank you everyone for your advice and your take on my situation. Keep it coming. I need all the help I can get.

[pinhead]

If your goal is to save your marriage, find a new therapist; one who's focused on saving marriages. IC is important, so you can figure out why you behave the way you do.

Let your husband go. Work on your own issues. You might have a chance with him when he's seen what he's missing.