Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I wrote up a fairly detailed custody agreement and e-mailed it to W yesterday afternoon. As usual, no response. Whenever I write something up, she always reacts negatively. It was a completely detailed custody agreement, handling our basic 50/50 split schedule, holidays, birthdays, vacations, etc. Nothing different than what we've been living under, and what I thought we agreed to last week. It clearly stated that we alternate full weekends, starting when the kids leave school on Fridays. Last week she said she didn't want the kids to have to remember which bus to take home on Friday, so she wanted them to always take the bus to her house, and have me pick them up there after work on my weekends. I told her I'd pick the kids up from school on my Fridays so they wouldn't have to remember the bus. She was a little surprised, then said "Oh, I guess that would be ok."
We had curriculum night at our kids' school last night, and I saw her there. She was a mix of friendly and standoffish. For weeks now I've been getting this vibe of supressed anger from her. She asked me "What time do you want to pick up the kids Friday?" I gave a puzzled look and said "I'll pick them up from school, like we talked about." She got angry and said "I never agreed to that." I said "That's what we talked about last week. She again said "We talked about it, but I never agreed to it. I have plans with the kids after school Friday. Can you pick them up at 5:30?" I said "Ok, but we need to get this resolved." She said "I don't want to argue about it now. I'll see you later." Then she walked away.
I was annoyed, but I wasn't going to force a conversation there in the school, so I finished talking with the teachers, then left. On my drive home she called and asked if she could come over to discuss it. I said ok.
She arrived at my house a few minutes later, and we went and sat down. She has been quite sick for the last several weeks, and it's not getting better. I felt a little sorry for her, but it didn't affect my position. She was irate, and said "H, I know you want this exact 50/50 plan, with everything split perfectly, but the kids are doing well, and I don't want to mess with it too much. I'm fine with us SAYING we have an exact 50/50 schedule on paper, as long as you allow a little flexibility. I think it would be better for them to see me for an hour or two on Fridays before you take them for five days. I admit I want to see them too, but I really think it'll be better for them. I'll have brownies for them." What a bizarre thing to say. I said "I just want us to have a fixed 50/50 plan in place that we can rely on." She said "That's the mathematician in you talking, everything doesn't have to be exact, alternating years on holidays (referring to my written plan), every day totally scheduled. I'm trying to be flexible and compromise here. Why can't you? I think the kids would be better off staying with me until Saturday morning, but I'm trying to keep this out of court, so I'm willing to agree to you picking them up Fridays at my house. I think it's important they see me for a little extra time before they leave for so long. I want to give the kids the best situation for them. Don't you?" I'm holding my tongue, trying not to point out that an intact family is what's best for the kids, or make some remark about how NOW she's so concerned about the kids. I know that would only inflame the situation, so I resist. I say "I think it would be better if the transitions are handled through school. It'll be a buffer." She was again annoyed. She said "If we were toxic and angry with each other, then sure, I'd agree, but we're not. I think we can handle seeing each other twice a month."
She finally made a valid point. She said "You know, since you always have the kids on Mondays, you'll get an ocassional day off with them that I won't get, like Columbus Day. Do you want to split all that time exactly too?" I backed off a bit and said "Good point. Ok, I'll think about this for a few days." She looked relieved and said "Thank you for doing that." Then she smiles and says "Now, what do you want for your birthday? That's what I'm doing with the kids after school Friday. I'm taking them shopping for your birthday present." I was a little touched, and I gave her a couple ideas. We discussed a few scheduling things, and then we both left. My friends were throwing me a little birthday party, and I was late. We had a great time. One of the women in my group of friends is showing increasing interest in me. Feels good, but it's complicating things even more!
W is trying to keep a composed and faux friendly demeanor toward me, but I can sense this undercurrent of anger from her. I don't know why. Unlike the last time I really pulled away from her, I'm still staying basically courteous, and being communicative about the kids. I give her nothing else though, and I assume she's noticed I've thrown myself back into my single social life.
F - Nice going. All I can say is keep on holding your ground. Keep on trying to get everything in writing. Remember she is all about ENTITLEMENT. My X was the same way. I dont want to be away from her for 5 days blah blah, but its ok for me to be??? Like my X she might have daddy issues and not trust your role as father.... just keep in back of yr head.
Back to transitions, definitely fight for transitions at school. Trust me you dont want to keep on meeting in a walmart parking lot or pick them up at her house when her boyfriend opens the door. F that! All transitions happen to and from school or else it will eventually become TOXIC. She just doesnt get that now but thats only because she is getting what she wants.
I only have a moment, but I just wanted to say, that I do think your wife's positions sound reasonable to my outside eye/ear. And her tone (at least how you describe it) sounds fairly respectful and civil, too, considering the strain of having to negotiate such a painful thing for the both of you.
She is being basically civil and respectful, but there is an undercurrent of entitlement that is aggravating. I skipped the statement she made of "I'm their mother, and I think they'd be better off spending more time with me. From what I've seen, they've been doing better since they've been with me more." She did give back though, saying "Son does need more time with you though. They all need more one on one time with both of us." Then she said "I'd even say..." I replied "What?" She broke eye contact and said "No, never mind."
I might agree to pick the kids up at her place Fridays, with the caveat that I reserve the right to stop if the situation becomes unworkable for me.
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Like my X she might have daddy issues and not trust your role as father.... just keep in back of yr head.
I never really thought of that, but her Dad wasn't very present in her life, and he did leave when she was a teenager. Her Mom recently told me that W's father only ever came to one of W's horse competitions, out of dozens, when she was a kid. I will keep that in mind, although I'm not sure what to do about it.
Future - Again. Im so sorry your dealing with this. Just reading your post brings back so many bad/sad memories of having to FIGHT FOR MY RIGHTS. Sux but heed my warnings about her "father issues". Like my X she will probably say that she "thinks you are a great dad... I would never want to keep them from you.." but then her subconscience is telling her. "but remember your the MOTHER YOU CANT TRUST THE FATHER... blah blah"
How to use it??? Well hopefully it doesnt come to that like I had to... threats I mean... When my X started playing dirty (false claim with DCFS, called teachers, friends) I was forced to protect myself by threatening to bring up her past with the court appointed custody evaluator... luckily it didnt come to that. We did get a guardian ad litem appointed after we both ended up filing a petition for full. Was part of process. I didnt think it would go there BUT once I stopped agreeing to everything she wanted... (her keeping daughter every sunday night, and other examples) it got dirty.
So just keep it in mind. The best advice I give friends that are dealing with these sitches is to treat your WAS that is not playing FAIR/THREATENING,etc like a cop treats a perp. Take it to their level. If you are RESPECTFUL/CIVIL then so am I. If you file for full custody then so do I.
It's a chess match that eventually all gets knocked over. It's how you pick up the pieces that really matters...
She finally made a valid point. She said "You know, since you always have the kids on Mondays, you'll get an ocassional day off with them that I won't get, like Columbus Day. Do you want to split all that time exactly too?"
Offer her Leif Ericson day then.
Do you realize you are arguing over a couple hours on a single day over the course of a couple months, part of which, if not all, will be spent with friends their own age? Are the two of you using this to avoid coming to terms with the "real" issues you need to deal with?
Do you realize you are arguing over a couple hours on a single day over the course of a couple months, part of which, if not all, will be spent with friends their own age?
That's the point she was trying to make. My point is simple. I want an absolute "official" 50/50 custody plan in place, to protect myself legally, and to give me something to fall back on, if and when things get ugly between us. She is the queen of saying something in a conversation, then steadfastly denying she said it, or insisting she said something different. Her Mother and I have comiserated on this tendancy of hers, and it's infurating. I need to have it down on paper.
Unofficially, I'm willing be flexible with any reasonable request, and I probably will relent and let her get the kids after school on my Fridays. Then I won't have to leave work early. We're both going to need each other to help cover sometimes.
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Are the two of you using this to avoid coming to terms with the "real" issues you need to deal with?
Do you mean issues around her A? I made myself clear about what she needs to do to allow us to reconcile, and I've given her plenty of time to do it. I've owned my part every way I know, and accepted probably more than my share of the blame. She is still apparently choosing to refuse to own her part, so I have no choice but to get the legal framework in place to end our M. That's what I'm trying to do, to protect myself, and give me some sort of solid platform upon which to build a new life. I need to know what my custody schedule is going to be for the next 10-15 years, and I need to know it's solid and not vulnerable to her impulsive nature.
An interesting twist. There is a wonderful pub in our city that holds special meaning to us, and it's closing after this week. It's next to the place we had our wedding reception, and after the reception was over, many of our family and friends went there. W and I went back to the hotel to change out of our wedding outfits, so we were delayed getting there. When we arrived, the whole place was full of our friends and family, and they all cheered when we walked in the door. All was right with the world at that moment.
Anyway, yesterday before son's baseball practice, W was chatting me up, so I said "Did you hear that <pub> is closing?" She looked sad and said "Yeah! And I can't find anyone to go there with me tomorrow night." Didn't sound like she was fishing, since it was so spontaneous, intiated from a question I brought up. I let it go at the time, but after son's practice was over and we were getting in our cars, I said "If I can get babysitting tomorrow night, I'll bring you to <pub>. Let's go." W lit up and said "Really?! Ok!" I said "I'll have to see if I can get childcare, I'm not sure right now, but I'll stay in touch tomorrow." She said "Ok, sounds great." Son overheard us, and asked "What's <pub>?" W recapped the story about what happened after our wedding reception, and said how wonderful it was. I smiled and said to him "One of the best memories of my life." She said "Me too."
