Hi SOA, glad you're here as well. I guess reading your story, this was my first question. I think before you should be worrying about how to get him back, perhaps you need to address the issues that led you to want to start connecting with other men. Can you tell us more about that? How you were feeling in the M? Was there fighting? Distance? Disconnect?
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
No kids. I guess what I'm not telling you is that recently there was one man in particular that got a lot of my attention. I have said the L word to him, although we never talked about meeting. I think we were both comfortable with the level of our so called relationship. He didn't want to be a home wrecker, and I didn't want to wreck my home. I chatted about him with other "friends" that I had made online. Told other people that I loved him. Said in other conversations online to "friends", that I know my husband read, that I wish I could marry "so-and-so" but that means I would need to get a divorce first. It as all my secret little fantasy world. I never wanted to make it my reality. I just liked the attention and excitement it brought.
My husband and I have always been pretty compatible. We rarely fought. I definitely had my frustrations. I felt like we weren't physical often enough. I started assuming he wasn't attracted to me.
Hi SOA, glad you're here as well. I guess reading your story, this was my first question. I think before you should be worrying about how to get him back, perhaps you need to address the issues that led you to want to start connecting with other men. Can you tell us more about that? How you were feeling in the M? Was there fighting? Distance? Disconnect?
I felt disconnected. Unnoticed. Taken for granted? But I was taking him for granted too....obviously.
Do you guys fight a lot? Do you nag or have anger issues? PMA
I can definitely be a nag. I'm learning from reading the 7 steps why that doesn't work. I nagged him about things he left lying around, or things he didn't do around the house that I thought he should. I wish I'd read Divorce Remedy BEFORE I got married. I feel like I've been doing everything wrong.
Another thought...a few weeks ago, or so, I was chatting to a "friend" online, and said something to the effect of "If I had a therapist, I wouldn't need to talk to all these strangers online". I did try to stop what I was doing a few times in the past year since I've been up to no good, but I was afraid to tell my husband and ask for his help, because I didn't want to hurt him or lose him. I always ended up falling back into the same trap though.
I felt disconnected. Unnoticed. Taken for granted? But I was taking him for granted too....obviously.
Oh SOA, I do feel for you. That's a very lonely place to be. Those are the feelings I had too, when I first came to this board. Did you ever share those feelings with your H?
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
I felt disconnected. Unnoticed. Taken for granted? But I was taking him for granted too....obviously.
Oh SOA, I do feel for you. That's a very lonely place to be. Those are the feelings I had too, when I first came to this board. Did you ever share those feelings with your H?
We never had a real conversation about it. I was always afraid of hurting his feelings and driving him away. I did occasionally ask, "why don't we ever have sex?" But I didn't push it.
SOA, I just want to say your experience is similar to mine in that when the separation occurred, my H moved on pretty fast.
Therefore, I am going to agree with the PMA who said he probably already had one foot out the door to move on so quickly....
Either he was a time-bomb waiting to explode from past issues or he has been planning this for awhile and saw his opportunity. I'm just saying from my years of experience dealing with these type of stories. It is a rare occurence for a spouse to just walk without having another gameplan lined up.
Have you guys been unhappy for awhile? Why was he so quick to walk?? From my perspective it looks like he has been checking out for awhile. Or he might have been cheating on you as well.
We never had a real conversation about it. I was always afraid of hurting his feelings and driving him away. I did occasionally ask, "why don't we ever have sex?" But I didn't push it.
Yes, I think I can relate. That's where I was at too. But I think that rather than rushing into this...
Originally Posted By: So Ashamed
Since we've never had a conversation about our problem...do I write a letter? If so, what do I say?
Could I suggest that you take a bit of a breath. I think there's some thing you may want to explore in yourself before you start focussing on your H and trying to get him back?
One question that comes to mind is - why was it more important for you to not hurt his feelings, than to get your feelings of being disconnected, 'unnoticed' and 'taken for granted' addressed? Why did protecting his feelings come before caring for you own?
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
