About a year ago, I became addicted to chatting online, especially with strangers, particularly men. It got to the point that I opened a secret Facebook account, started playing games online, and started chatting with people I was “meeting” thru the games. Conversation would turn to my marriage, and how I felt I wasn’t getting the attention I wanted/deserved from my husband.
I made many of these friends. Things escalated. Suddenly I had all these secret “friends” in my life. The conversation was not always wholesome, in fact, sometimes it was quite damning. In some cases I became emotionally involved. I started chatting with some of them on Skype. Sometimes video chat was used. I said nasty things about my husband that weren’t true, but I liked all the attention I was getting. I did nasty things that I can’t bare to put into words on a public forum.
My husband became suspicious. Asked who I was staying up late chatting with on Skype. I lied and said I was talking to my sister. He did some detective work and discovered the truth. Evidently for some weeks he was monitoring my online socializing without my knowing. Like I said, the things I said and did on there were damning. I had no idea he knew anything was going on.
Two weeks ago, when I came home from work, he confronted me in the driveway. He had already moved his things out. The only thing he said to me was “You can’t do this and be with me. I’m leaving. You’ll be served in a few days. And served I was. During the next few days, I left desperate voicemails, asking him to go to therapy, telling him I loved him, etc.
We have had one face to face conversation sine he left. He didn’t want to be alone with me, so he asked my sister to supervise. During that conversation, at the advice of my therapist, I said almost nothing. I just listened. He only wanted to speak about divorce and what he wanted and did not want in the divorce. I only said, that I needed time to think about it, and I hope we could reconcile and be stronger than ever. He says it’s not an option. I did say I was sorry, which he doesn’t believe.
I would do anything to get him back. I’m reading the 7 steps. I never got involved with anyone physically. I know that doesn’t really matter. He feels betrayed, angry, etc. He says we can’t get back together because he doesn’t want me to be the victim of his anger. I’ve stopped all contact with my old “friends”. Changed my phone number so no one could contact me that shouldn’t contact me.
My therapist says he made his decision and I need to respect that and let him go, but honestly, I can’t imagine my life without him. I do love him. I’ve made HUGE mistakes. I would do ANYTHING to fix it. He could smash my computer with a sledgehammer and password protect everything else so I can’t access his computer, etc. Give up my cell phone. Anything, and I do mean that. Please help.
Two weeks ago, when I came home from work, he confronted me in the driveway. He had already moved his things out. The only thing he said to me was “You can’t do this and be with me. I’m leaving. You’ll be served in a few days. And served I was. During the next few days, I left desperate voicemails, asking him to go to therapy, telling him I loved him, etc.
We have had one face to face conversation sine he left. He didn’t want to be alone with me, so he asked my sister to supervise. During that conversation, at the advice of my therapist, I said almost nothing. I just listened. He only wanted to speak about divorce and what he wanted and did not want in the divorce. I only said, that I needed time to think about it, and I hope we could reconcile and be stronger than ever. He says it’s not an option. I did say I was sorry, which he doesn’t believe.
I would do anything to get him back.I’m reading the 7 steps. I never got involved with anyone physically. I know that doesn’t really matter. He feels betrayed, angry, etc. He says we can’t get back together because he doesn’t want me to be the victim of his anger. I’ve stopped all contact with my old “friends”. Changed my phone number so no one could contact me that shouldn’t contact me.
My therapist says he made his decision and I need to respect that and let him go, but honestly, I can’t imagine my life without him. I do love him. I’ve made HUGE mistakes. I would do ANYTHING to fix it. He could smash my computer with a sledgehammer and password protect everything else so I can’t access his computer, etc. Give up my cell phone. Anything, and I do mean that. Please help.
SoAsh,
I will have some advice for you in another post, but this needs to be said:
Everyone needs to look at the above. It's funny; I thought hardline ultimatums weren't supposed to work? Would only drive the cheating spouse toward their OM/OW??
Hmmmmm.
Robx and Gucci say it all the time, but no one listens. Betrayed spouses need to study the dynamics of the wayward spouses. It's only when the BS becomes the wayward/walkaway, that the dynamic changes. By saying "this isn't working for me anymore," suddenly the other spouse will do ANYTHING to try to reconcile and make the marriage work!!!
Sorry for the semi-hijack, but this needed to be pointed out. I'll try to post something to you shortly, SoAsh. I'm sorry for your pain, and I give you props for having the guts to post here, and to address your issues.
My therapist says he made his decision and I need to respect that and let him go
If he saw what you were doing and saying then he felt your disrespect. Respect is a big deal for men and making them feel loved by their woman. You might have crossed a boundary with your H that is a deal-breaker. You need to get your issues resolved and try showing repsect thru your actions.
Your therapist is right don't pursue him. Learn what it means to "let go." Sorry you are here, learn from this experience to become a better person for yourself.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Yes, but, Puppy, it's not as though she has a particular OM that she's built up a fantasy about in her head, who she has decided will solve all the problems in her M. That's a HUGE difference, from what I've read. If she was almost ready to leave herself, her H's reaction might easily have pushed her to go. That's why I don't like to see hard-and-fast rules for everybody.
Sorry to interrupt, So Ashamed. Some of the best, including Coach and Puppy, have come to help already--take to heart what they have to say, and you will begin to grow in ways that will ultimately make you feel much better about yourself.
I should add, he is out of town right now for work. I have no idea where he lives, except it's a furnished apartment he's renting month to month, somewhere nearby. He agreed to a phone conversation when he gets back in town. Any advice? I'm still reading the middle of the chapter with the first "step".
Hi So Ashamed - I hope sandi2 comes here to post. She went through almost exactly what you did, and has come out the other side with her marriage intact.
Hi So Ashamed - I hope sandi2 comes here to post. She went through almost exactly what you did, and has come out the other side with her marriage intact.
I hope she does too. Thanks Futureunknown. I could use a miracle right now.
If she has posted about her experience, could you direct me to her posts? Please and thanks.
Hi SOA - Welcome. Glad you came here. Thank you for posting your story. A lot of members will appreciate your perspective.
Unfortunately, when you play with fire you eventually get burned.
He had ever right to react and be upset. I can definitely relate to the feelings of betrayal, mistrust, etc. BUT if you love someone enough you will DO ANYTHING to WORK it out. That's the part that is not adding up.
Have you guys been unhappy for awhile? Why was he so quick to walk?? From my perspective it looks like he has been checking out for awhile. Or he might have been cheating on you as well. Unless you are dead emotionally these feelings cant be turned off overnight. Once again. He was hurt, felt betrayed, blah but if your partner is remorseful and is willing to do THE WORK to REPAIR then it's a whole different ball game then what the rest of us members dealt with.
My advice is to stop PURSUING, stand your ground, tell him you have ALREADY APOLOGIZED for what you did BUT it takes 2 to get to the point where you're at. Show strength. Show respect. Dont kiss his a$$. You made a mistake BUT have owned up to it which is more then a lot of people are willing to do.
He had ever right to react and be upset. I can definitely relate to the feelings of betrayal, mistrust, etc. BUT if you love someone enough you will DO ANYTHING to WORK it out. That's the part that is not adding up.
Have you guys been unhappy for awhile? Why was he so quick to walk?? From my perspective it looks like he has been checking out for awhile. Or he might have been cheating on you as well. Unless you are dead emotionally these feelings cant be turned off overnight. Once again. He was hurt, felt betrayed, blah but if your partner is remorseful and is willing to do THE WORK to REPAIR then it's a whole different ball game then what the rest of us members dealt with.
My advice is to stop PURSUING, stand your ground, tell him you have ALREADY APOLOGIZED for what you did BUT it takes 2 to get to the point where you're at. Show strength. Show respect. Dont kiss his a$$. You made a mistake BUT have owned up to it which is more then a lot of people are willing to do.
Stay strong. PMA
What is not adding up? That I didn't think my mistake would ruin my marriage and now I have deepest regret that things have gotten so bad? I'm just looking for clarification.
Thank you for your advice. I don't know why he was so quick to leave. Probably because he really loved be and I betrayed him, said hurtful/hateful things, although I have no hate for him at all. I was his first love. We're both in our early 30's, married for 7 years. I wish he had tried to talk to me, but I guess by asking who I was talking to on Skype, that was his "trying". I can't fault him for leaving, but I want to fix this, more than anything. He did tell my sister that he has no love left for me. I just can't believe that. You can't just turn it off, even if you're really hurt, can you? I know for a fact he wasn't cheating. He's the most moral man I've ever met.
Thank you for your advice. I'm listening with open ears and a hopeful heart.
I understand how you feel and I definitely understand how your H must have felt to read those message BUT again, he did not read detailed messages about you screwing some other guy like many of us on this board have endured.
Either he was a time-bomb waiting to explode from past issues or he has been planning this for awhile and saw his opportunity. I'm just saying from my years of experience dealing with these type of stories. It is a rare occurence for a spouse to just walk without having another gameplan lined up.
What aren't you telling us? What caused you to need your escape? What issues have you BOTH been dealing with??
Help me understand... Regardless you need to calm down and STOP the BEGGING and PLEADING. It is very WEAK. No one is attracted to this behavior especially someone that has the WAS mentality. Stop the contact. You have apologized and are open to talking when he is ready. In the meantime, stop beating yourself up. Go dark and keep doing things for YOU. Show him that you will survive with or w/o him.
Do you guys fight a lot? Do you nag or have anger issues?
Big pieces of this puzzle are missing. Once again. I get the anger, hurt, betrayal thing that he is feeling. I felt that way as well but I loved my spouse and would have done anything to fight for us. Some people aren't fighters. They are runners. The old "fight or flight" instincts fromt he animal kingdom. If he is a runner then he would have displayed these traits before.
