Another nice weekend went buy. W's family member was visiting from out of state. Previously heavily shielded from me, we all went out with old friends and had a great time. Again there were a lot of laughs.
One of her childhood girlfriends came out and was flirting with me. I took a complete advantage of that and flirted back. W was kind if puzzled but smiled and looked at me alot. Seemed that I made myself attracted to her. I was funny and all the girls were laughing with me.
Sunday was quiet while recuperating from the night before. We took an afternoon nap. I joked about ML. She was not repulsed by it at all. Smiled and said that the nap right now sounds better.
I feel like I'm in a different kind of limbo now.
But I clearly see what has been working and the results of it.
Not yet. I cannot fall back to the old limbo. I made some promises and I need to live up to them. And it includes me moving out. I'm hoping that I have softened the shell enough to hear a change of mind.
Then the real work will start and I will change the thread.
W realized the other day that her car lease is up shotrly and started thinking about the new "toy" to get. She is into sexy power cars.
When she first brought it up on Sunday, I did not react much. I only joked that her current model is not sexy enough and that the last one before still gives me wet dreams. She laughed and asked what I was going to do with mine since my lease runs out in 7 months.
I did not want to remind her the last reference about it which was basically that once my lease is done I am free to move anywhere including to another country. I had told her that in very serious manner.
So I said that it is too far away to think about right now and that I would not know where in my life I would be at that time. I also reminded her that my priority right now is to finance the major heating system replacement as I had promised which ended up being much more than I had budgeted for.
She kept surfing around and showing me all the different models she was thinking of but none of them had all the features that she wanted in one package. It was kind of cute because she was asking for my opinion whereas she clearly did not need it. Her specifications were written in stone and there was only one manufacturer that would be able to meet it.
Last night she came home bubbly and happy. She has gone to see the dealer and test drove her next dream machine. It would have to be special ordered and apparently there is no risk to her until it arrives. I listened validated and also envied.
The burning question I had however was “How the heck are you going to pay for all this when I am no longer supporting half the common household. She is a big girl with her own money and I will not tell her what kind of car to drive, but if I was her, I would not make this kind of purchase while the separation looms over my head.
Hmm, or is she thinking that I was not serious? Is she thinking that she will turn things around for us? Is she ready to return to our lives? How can she be sure that I would just accept it? Is this her strange way to show new “commitment” by tying herself down financially to make her dependent of my share of finances?
This bizarre spiral thinking makes me wonder where she is emotionally. But you know, I really don’t care. We will soon find out.
I decided to ask her out to dinner with a tad more passion than usual. I suggested that since she had such a fun day racing around in her upcoming car, I would treat her for her favorite Indian food (which I hate). She responded, “but you don’t like that stuff.” I said, “but you do and as far as I know no one else has taken you there for a date.” All in smiles off we went.
She enjoyed her food while I was playing around with unidentifiable sauces and flushing them down with Taj Mahal.
We talked cars for awhile and then she asked me if I had stopped at the vet. I was doing shopping during a day and she asked me to pick up dog medicine from the vet. I said yes. She asked “so how much was it”. She knew the answer because I have never gone to the vet to buy anything. I said, “Close to a half of your monthly car payment.” She laughed and said “See, what you learn when you do that for a change”.
I did not realize that I just had found another thing my W did not like – me never paying for the vet bills.
pookie - I read most of your thread as you asked. You are getting a lot of great advice. early on Gucci was spot on and Coach has been chiming in the whole time with increadible insight.
I do know what you are going through and feeling. The rollercoaster is not fun. There are many similarities to what I went through. You have to decide where you want to go from here.
Your W is not sure she wants to leave, otherwise she would have gone or expedited you leaving. I suspect she thinks the grass is greener on the other side and would like to be able to test it out while still holding onto you because she now sees you really aren't that bad of an option. You can wait this out a bit and see if she comes around without being slapped with reality of life witout Pookie. It may or may not happen. I also wouldn't give her all 4 dogs...you helping grass be greener on the other side. If/when you leave, she needs to feel the loss of life as she knows it...the more the loss the better. Thats my 2 cents. In my sitch, me literally driving away with the kids in the car was powerful. W told me she just stood there and watched and cried...
The WAS is often in their own la-la land...they don't see reality...reality must smack them upside the face and then see how they react to that.
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
The WAS is often in their own la-la land...they don't see reality...reality must smack them upside the face and then see how they react to that
I agree with this. It's like the LBSs getting smack with the bomb, The WAS's bomb is reality setting in.
Have you started to look for other places to live?? Have you left any realtor cards lying around?
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
Have you started to look for other places to live?? Have you left any realtor cards lying around?
I did something along those lines.
First I told her after a nice evening out that I really had a good time the night before and got her to smile and agree. Then I dropped my little grenade and told her that she should start taking my name off all household bills and accounts (which she has not done as of today) and stop calling me because she needs to live like I was not there anymore.(The latter actually has had an opposite reaction. She now calls all the time to let me know when she's coming and going. Most of the time I let it roll into voicemail.)
The grenade was a bit of a shock. The loving smile about the good time a night before was replaced with tears. I walked away composed. She never saw me dropping a tear myself.
Then the same night I left my laptop open to the page for job seeking in Australia. She came home and I pretended that I got distracted by the dogs needing to go out and left the page on the screen. I saw her reading in through the window while I was out in the yard.
Next I sent her an e-mail a few days later complimenting her communications and for being so much nicer to get along. Then mentioned that I will most likely leave the country once my car lease is done in 7 months. I know it set a time frame but it is also a reality. She has no reason not to believe that I would not do that.
I know it is not as dramatic as driving away with all the pets in my car, but what has been happening in last 2 weeks has been amazing 180 from her part.
She may not have changed her mind about our R, but she shows respect and admiration for my dropping the rope. I think it is attractive to her and attraction creates warmth which just may turn things around eventually.
Time and patience in on my side. I am fully in control of myself and my actions thanks to all of you here.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
The WAS is often in their own la-la land...they don't see reality...reality must smack them upside the face and then see how they react to that.
How long do you guys think it takes for the WAS to come down from la-la land?
The script does not say that.
I think it depends on how quickly you "let them go" and how quickly you become attractive to them again.
I had to go back in time to figure out what made my W to fall in love with me and how and who I was at that time.
As you see from my signature, I had changed and unbeknownst to myself become unattractive.
It has been 5 months since the bomb and probably close to a year from the time WAW had decided to end the R.
Someone said that it takes 1 month for every 1 year of R to repair it.
All I can say is that in my case WAW's fog has now cleared. What happens next is unkown but I decided that my next focus is on communication while using my newborn mojo to stay on top of this game.
