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Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2078978
09/20/10 04:49 PM
09/20/10 04:49 PM
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Originally Posted By: Allen A
... And that anyone willing to violate someone elses marriage and run off with her does NOT have her best interests at heart and is NOT going to prove mature enough of a partner long term. That's the stuff she needs to hear right now.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2078997
09/20/10 05:11 PM
09/20/10 05:11 PM
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Originally Posted By: Allen A
...you don't just separate, you make sure ALL of your circle of friends know you want to SAVE the marriage and that you want all her friends and family to pressure her to STOP the affair.

You make it WELL KNOWN that you are inviting her to live with the family and improve things, and that if she wants to bring unhealthy practice into the home she has to leave.

You make sure EVERYONE KNOWS THAT.

SO if she goes public everyone will KNOW she put OM before her own kids and family... ok?

This is exposure, its not just you throwing her out. When you allow her into the home WHILE she is CHEATING you are VALIDATING the affair allowing that.

When you invite her to leave THAT sends the message that you don't condone affairs.

Yes, she can go public. This will take the secret excitement away from the affair AND if any of your friends or family are halfway mature they will disapprove of her abandoning her home like this.

STOP telling her "separation"... She doesn't want separation she wants an AFFAIR.

You need to fix your terminology big time.

This isn't about her separating ok?
Its about her choosing

a. An affair rather than
b. Her family

You put it like that to HER and to her friends and family... don't phrase it as

a. Separation
b. Live in the home

That's NOT going to HELP YOU

Publicly expose her choosing an affair over her family and her home... make sure all her friends and family KNOW and that they also know you want to save your marriage.

You condone her affair when you allow it to happen in your HOME.

When you invite her to work with your family and remain in the home and SHE chooses the AFFAIR then YOU are getting your integrity back.

STOP telling her to get her own place... You tell her to end the affair or LEAVE...

Don't solve her problems for her... You just tell her you don't want her THERE while she's cheating..

You really don't have the mindset here yet...

What have you educated the family to DO about the affair? Anything? Did you just drop the infidelity in their lap and leave it with them?

Educate them that you want to save your marriage and that you have invited your wife to work on the marriage and she is choosing to pursue her affair instead. SAY it like that.

Choosing

a. Marriage
b. Infidelity

These are the choices... NOT home or separation... that's HIDING the affair behind the word separation.

Call a spade a spade.

YES it hurts your children... That's the POINT... But you allowing her to CHEAT in your children's HOME is a LOT WORSE.. and SHE is forced to REALLY CHOSE when you invite her to leave the home or work with the family.

Did you expose this OM's infidelity to his elderly parents? You go there and you tell his parents that their son is a predator to your home and your children. You tell them they raised a sexual predator for a son and you exit.

This should take the fight to OM's doorstep.

I know it hurts to cut the chord but this is how you end affairs quickly... you get them OUT of your HOME.

If your wife chooses to exit the home, pursue and affair in open public, and walk out on her kids she should get some serious heat from people.

You can't enable this behavior or you just prolong it.

Your kids suffer from the tension of infidelity in the home. Get that addiction away from them. It puts a very bold statement to your Wife that she's hurting her kids and she needs to change her behavior.

If you tolerate the behavior it is just going to last a LOT LONGER.

Zero tolerance for infidelity is how you put a quick stop to it and get it away from your kids and out of your home.

Make sure your wife and everyone know this :

a. You will not tolerate infidelity in the home of your children
b. Your wife was invited to work on the marriage with a family therapist
c. Your wife is invited to return if she ends her affair
d. You want to save your marriage

If your wife and everyone else know that then you are good to go.

This makes her affair clearly HER choice and the harm being done to the kids HER choice as well...




Don't tell her to get her own place. You don't solve her problems for her.

You tell her to get the infidelity OUT of the HOME or she has to GET AWAY from your kids. Tell her you won't tolerate her exposing children to that unhealthy behavior. HOW she solves this problem is her business.

You just tell her you won't expose these children to infidelity anymore. That's it... don't talk about separation, don't tell her to get a new place... That must be her choice.

YOU just tell her the infidleity and cheating is NOT welcome in this home with these children here.

This FORCES her to choose between her family and her affair... You letting her into the home three or four days a week just makes it EASY for her to cheat ... That is NOT the objective.

The objective is to make it as inconvenient for her to cheat as possible.

If she has to

a. Give up her home
b. Walk out on her kids
c. Lose financial benefits from you
d. Humiliate herself in public as an abandoner of children
e. Experience public humiliation as a cheater
f. Deal with moving
g. Deal with finding a new place to live
h. Deal with financial strains

All of that makes her think TWICE... even THREE TIMES...

You putting all that pressure on her is what forces her to make a real tough choice...

This is the best way to end this for you... Cut her OFF at the knees and see if she comes to her senses...

Not all do, but its the best chance you have ...

This also does the following :

a. Gets your home stable
b. Gets you in a healthier mindset
c. Gets your dignity and integrity back
d. Wins not only family and friends' respect but also your wifes respect
e. Gets your children safe from predators

This scores you a lot of points as a protective father and home maker.

You letting her carry on like that in your own home does not win you any points with anyone other than OM who will just laugh at you and send you a thank you note for loaning your wife out three nights a week without any consequence.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2079014
09/20/10 05:26 PM
09/20/10 05:26 PM
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Originally Posted By: Allen A
...Phil McGraw has a note on his website : If you wouldn't do it with your spouse watching you, its cheating...


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2079141
09/20/10 07:13 PM
09/20/10 07:13 PM
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Originally Posted By: Allen A
Go back to the parent - child explanation before...

When children get disciplined they throw out "I hate you" and "you are a horrible dad" all the time...

They soften later and accept your boundaries with respect...

Parents learn how to enforce a boundary without losing their child's respect.. In fact it INCREASES it...

IGNORE the I hate you's just like a parent would a child.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2079380
09/21/10 02:59 AM
09/21/10 02:59 AM
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Originally Posted By: Allen A
Yup, you can see the convo is pointless.

He "feels" he's right is the key point here.. He isn't doing research or thinking logically.. He's doing what pleases him.

You can't "feel" something being right. It can feel "good", but it can't feel "right"... sorry, but that's just BS

When he tries to argue just diffuse it :


You don't have any research to present to support yourself. You're just making this up and I won't waste my time on that nonsense.


OR


You can argue all you want. Research from actual professionals says otherwise. And I am going to trust people who know what they're talking about.

When you have something concrete you let me know.

I don't have time to listen to you make stuff up.. I'm a busy woman.


OR


You aren't right... You're just LOUD...


OR


Being loud has nothing to do with being educated on this subject... A gorilla can yell... I want to understand that you have actually done a lot of research for your son... But clearly you haven't.

You can be loud with someone else... I am not going to expose our son to this nonsense.


Stuff like that.. Just DISMISS the argument rather than engage him.

When you argue with him you set boundaries too. Boundaries of fair debate etc... When he crosses a line there you call him on it and EXIT The argument immediately.

He will learn to argue fair or he knows you will just dismiss him and exit.

Each time he does it you call him on it again. Use the exact same words.

If he's just TALKING then cut him off there and tell him you will be happy to read anything he sends you but you aren't going to stand about and listen to him yell while he makes things up on the spot... etc

Just give him a simple response...


You can make all the excuses you want smart guy... No one is buying your BS... Particularly YOU.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2079626
09/21/10 05:11 PM
09/21/10 05:11 PM
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Originally Posted By: robx
...it is not time for an "all cards on the table talk",
she has seen your hand for quite some time, she knows your cards,
you on the other hand are the one hoping to get a glimpse of her cards.

You're still attached,
she hasn't felt you let go at all,
a talk like this will confirm it to her and you will just get more of the same.

Let go, I mean really let go.

The sooner you do, the sooner you may actually see any positive results in your situation.

Another talk will not work.

If you need a "talk" to move on in one definite direction or another, then you have not moved on. A decisive man would have made the decision without requiring a "talk" to confirm what he wants to do.

What would your talk accomplish?
What would you say?
"Look wife, I've had enough of this separation business, come home now so that we can be in love again otherwise I'm moving on, this time I mean it!"

That won't work.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2079627
09/21/10 05:17 PM
09/21/10 05:17 PM
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Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
...truth is, you can do things the right way or the wrong way, and they BOTH will be incredibly difficult. Why not do it THE RIGHT WAY, and give yourself the maximum opportunity for success??


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2079630
09/21/10 05:22 PM
09/21/10 05:22 PM
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Originally Posted By: coach
Don't let your life be predicated on what someone else does (victim). Be the man you want to be, do the things you want to do and have the life you are supposed to have. Lead.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2079636
09/21/10 05:34 PM
09/21/10 05:34 PM
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Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
This is from my archives, and pretty well sums up Robx's approach. It was his advice to another poster, but 90%+ of it applies:

RobXs approach:



Sit her down and have a discussion with her.
No need to be mad, angry, a$$hole, prick on anything,
keep it calm, light but straight forward, direct to the point, etc. Don't make it last more than a few minutes.

You tell her trust is based on actions that are consistent.

You don't trust her because she hasn't been consistent.

You don't trust her because she's been lying to you, in fact you tell her that is what you trust her to continue doing, because she has been lying to your consistently - that's what you can trust.

For you to be able to trust her, she has to build trust.
Sure you can trust her blindly and have faith and all that good stuff but honestly how well has that worked up to this point?

Don't ask for for full disclosure.

Do the opposite.

Tell her this:

"... I don't want your cell phone records, I don't want to look at your cell phone text msg's and call history, I don't want your email or fb password, I don't want your voicemail pw. If I have to monitor you 24/7 to force you to be consistent, that won't work for me because that's not what I want or need.

I wanted you to be trustworthy but I don't need you to be anything, truth be told, I'll be just fine without you, I see that now.

From now on I'm moving in this direction, if you want to come along, go ahead, I won't control you and tell you that can or can't come but I can't wait for you anymore and you already know that if you're with the OM, you aren't with me, I'm not settling for anything less than that.

If you really want to be with the OM, I really can't say or do anything to stop that and you should be with him if you're willing to lie so much to me, if you can't be true to me that means he's more important to you than I am and you know what... I'm ok with that because I'm more important to me and that's all that matters - I see that now.

If you wanted to be with me, you knew that you had alot of trust to rebuild and that's only through consistent action and I'm through with pressuring you to be my wife, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me and that's pretty much what it looks like to me so let's stop playing games: you go and be with the OM, I'm ok with that, in fact I'm better than OK, I'm awesome because I'm finally being honest with myself about all of this and that includes being honest about who you are and where you are right now. I know what I'm worth and I've been settling for less for too long.

I can't wait for you anymore, I've spent enough time waiting for you to do the right thing and I know that doesn't work because I would probably have to wait forever and still not get what I wanted. So you can do what you want, be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy and I'm going to start wanting something better for me."


No being mean, spiteful, vindictive, you let her go.
No more discussions, arguments, no more talks about lies, no more sneaking around behind your back, she can do what she wants but you are letting her go to do what she wants to do but at the same time, you are now allowing yourself to be free of this crappy limbo place you've been living in for so long.

Bro, if she wants to be with you, she'll be with you, no amount of a$$ kissing, sneaking, snooping, being mean, angry, standing tall, etc. is going to change that.

You be the best gosh darn example of a MAN for you and for you only. If she wants this great MAN that you are in her life, she'll pursue you and do what it takes to be a part of that.

You need to respect yourself first, that's the first step and letting go of your wife her untrustworthy ways to establish that your self-respect, dignity and integrity are the most important things in your life is what you NEED and WANT to do. You know what you're worth, go out and get what you're worth and let go of the things that are worthy of you - starting feeling your personal value, know it, resonate with it, live it. You are worth better than what she is giving you right now, if you don't set that boundary, you'll allow her to do this to you forever and who could respect that?

Otherwise continue playing this game and you'll be playing this chase & pursue game, pushing & pulling for the rest of your life.

Time to get off the merry go round, this ride isn't that fun anymore.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2079641
09/21/10 05:40 PM
09/21/10 05:40 PM
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Originally Posted By: greek
Don't be surprised, though, if, when you give her the above message, she starts back pedaling and swearing how much she really wants the M, doesn't want OM, please don't do this, etc... Do NOT back off of your message. Do not allow her to fix ANYTHING with her words. You tell her you will talk about it later and you'll let her know when. Then go to bed or go out or something, but pull yourself away from her. Leave her there to struggle with what you've told her.

Or...she may just go totally off on you, DENY DENY DENY and make you out to be the world's biggest a$$. That's ok, too. Do not argue with her or try to convince her of anything. You KNOW what you KNOW, and your message has been delivered. Then go to bed or go out or something, but pull yourself away from her. Leave her there to struggle with what you've told her.

And of course, either way is A-OK.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
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