Don't commit to anything until she acts like a LBS.
Know what your non-negotiables are.
When in doubt, stay silent and get back to her when you have time to think.
Love and support her anyway.
No expectations (sounds counter to the "Nuts" but it's not.)
Know the triggers and be aware.
Lead.
You will be tested.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Don't commit to anything until she acts like a LBS.
Is it safe to assume by this statement that the WAW needs to do the persueing and chasing now? Like we all did after the bomb?
I will definitely being leading throughout this process b/c I am the one who now knows how it works.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
Is it safe to assume by this statement that the WAW needs to do the persueing and chasing now? Like we all did after the bomb?
I guess it depends how proud your W is. Mine is pretty up there and definately will not be the first one to initiate R talks. However from her actions I can see that she is softening up.
Last night she asked me to help to pick out her next high performance car. She is very into fast and sexy cars. She will not be able to afford all of her life alone thus the hint - she may not want to push me to leave.
On the other hand I will not be interested to continue being a roommate, a handy man and the extra wallet.
Sooner or later we will have to have another talk.
No, IMO it is not safe. And maybe it is different for men but my H never pleaded and cried and begged. But then, on the other hand, I have yet never treated him the way he did.
No, the way I see it, they will NOT act as LBSs. They know, or at least are prepared for what is coming, they caused it, they had time to think about and even prepare for a rejection. We, LBSs, call it "the bomb". For them coming back, a rejection can never be considered a bomb. I hope you get my English and the difference I am trying to point out, only to protect you from expectations that have to do with "show".
You know what my husband shows now, as I did back then? Patience and CONSISTENCY. He wont back off when I tell him I am not "there" yet, he is the hopefull one, he is keeping this together.
But no, he didnt beg, or anything like that. He stated his wish, he used my words as far as the importance of our M (honestly, it felt like I was listening to myself), but there have been no dramatic gestures and moves.
Maybe your wife, as a woman, depending on her character will give you that, but if she doesnt, that doenst necessarily mean she is not "in" which is what you must figure out. Is in IN for the tough ride or is it just a "maybe".... K
I guess it depends how proud your W is. Mine is pretty up there and definately will not be the first one to initiate R talks. However from her actions I can see that she is softening up.
I hear ya Pook. It wasn't too much about pride rather than stubbornness with my W. It has taken her a whole year to initiate R talk.
Did you ask your W how she's going tho afford her new car? Good opportunity for you to show her you're not her bank account.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
K Thanks for your insights. On the phone yesterday I asked her what sh'e wants. She's was crying and said I want you I want to be with you.
I am opened to R talk but the one thing bothering me is her approach to the conversation yesterday.
She opened with "Mutual Friend gave me the hard sale this morning"
I interpret this as since our MF said a few things about you maybe I should think about coming back.
It's like early on in my sitch when she came back one mornig to my surprise and I asked her what's going on. Her reply was her mom told her to go back.
Other people telling you what to do won't work.
I need to know she's doing it for the right reasons.
She has to show me she's willing to do the work.
She need to show me she can be happy.
I have worked too hard and respect myself to much to go back to an unhealthy M.
As for it being different which S walked away male or female your right Kalni it is different.
I have to show her I am leading and confident where has if a H was going back to W the dynamics are different.
Still one day at a time.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
Did you ask your W how she's going tho afford her new car? Good opportunity for you to show her you're not her bank account.
I did not. She can afford it fine without my direct support but she is counting on our lifestyle to remain as is. Meaning that I will be covering 50% of all household expenses.
If I left her at her own devices she would have a problem. She is playing a risky game.
Normally I would say that this is a good sign that she has changed her mind about separation, but if I think deeper, I see that she is too comfortable with the idea that I will gladly stay is asked.
That means I haven't detatched enough, or at least not convinced her that I really meant when I said that I will move out of town and perhaps out of the country.
But then again it was that statement which sent things in motion.
K Thanks for your insights. On the phone yesterday I asked her what sh'e wants. She's was crying and said I want you I want to be with you.
I am opened to R talk but the one thing bothering me is her approach to the conversation yesterday.
She opened with "Mutual Friend gave me the hard sale this morning"
I interpret this as since our MF said a few things about you maybe I should think about coming back.
It's like early on in my sitch when she came back one mornig to my surprise and I asked her what's going on. Her reply was her mom told her to go back.
Other people telling you what to do won't work.
I need to know she's doing it for the right reasons.
She has to show me she's willing to do the work.
She need to show me she can be happy.
I have worked too hard and respect myself to much to go back to an unhealthy M.
As for it being different which S walked away male or female your right Kalni it is different.
I have to show her I am leading and confident where has if a H was going back to W the dynamics are different.
Still one day at a time.
Pride can be a bitch. (mindreading mode) She might be using the MFs (I keep thinking that means mofo...) advice as an excuse instead of openly admitting that she wants back in, and that the MFs advice supports it. KWIM?
