I have read all of the statistics. I know filing doesn't mean it's over. I also know and accept that this could very well be it.
While her parents don't agree with what she is doing, they will help her out. They are enabling her. They think they are helping and I can't really blame them. If she was left to figure all of this out on her own, we would have a better chance. I don't see her having this epiphany all of a sudden and calling off the D.
I have been miserable for an entire year. Even with the changes I have made and understanding my mistakes and trying not to repeat them, there has been no movement toward anything on her part. It's like what recently happened to Serenity; anytime my W act nice or caring or a little like her old self, something bad is on the way.
Quote:
Sometimes things have to fall apart before they can be put back together correctly.
I agree 100%. I have only recently found the strength to admit this. I hope and pray my W will someday realize the same.
I agree 100%. I have only recently found the strength to admit this. I hope and pray my W will someday realize the same.
I know you can be happy with or without her. There is a compulsive part of our minds that wants to pour over every bad feeling and relive them. Once you stop listening to that part of your mind, things get better.
One thing I did that I found helpful was making a list of 10 things I was grateful for every single day.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
Marriage is (sadly) a very disposable entity in our society. While I understand a parent will always support/help their children it's upsetting when they are assisting in the breakup of a marriage.
I recently read an article that said so many LBS say they have unconditional love for their spouses but in reality, they do not. Unconditional love cannot happen with romantic love because no matter how much you give, at some point you do expect *something* in return. It was interesting. I think it might have been on one of the sites Allen posted (infidelity forum).
Your W might very well be moving towards something, it's just not the movement you had hoped. Sometimes people(s) have to hit their bottom before anything more can happen. It's tough though because everybody has a different "bottom".
And maybe things can be put back together in some capacity. It might not be how you had initial hoped but repair on some level is always possible.
Your W might very well be moving towards something, it's just not the movement you had hoped. Sometimes people(s) have to hit their bottom before anything more can happen. It's tough though because everybody has a different "bottom".
And maybe things can be put back together in some capacity. It might not be how you had initial hoped but repair on some level is always possible.
All true, CG.
I guess to get to this place for myself, I've had to put compassion on the back burner for now. I know she is hurting, too, in her own way. I can see myself being cordial for the kids but no other relationship. No friends, or buddies or pals, KWIM?
To me, repair would mean doing the very hard work of actually trying to each face our faults and working together to overcome them. I am there. She is not. Of course, she never had the bomb that I did to shake me up.
I may be missing your point, CG, but I don't see us being anything but co-parents. I know I am still hurting and I can't see the future. There is only one way to repair the M. There are several things I can do for myself. Things I can do to lessen the impact on the kids. I will do my best.
IDU, I was hoping to see that things had turned around in your marriage, but of course I'm not surprised to see that your sitch is moving towards separation/divorce as that is by far the most common scenario here on the board.
You are doing great with your attitude and focus. Keep putting the kids first. It's hard to GAL with four children and the threat of potential custody issues. You're doing your best and that is more than good enough.
Believe it for not I am happy for you. It will be hard to deal with the fallout on your children, but having freedom from living with a negative spouse who has emotionally abandoned you will eventually feel like a huge relief. You'll miss your children when they're with your W, but OTOH, that will give you the time and space to GAL and to focus on yourself, your music, your social life, etc.
I'm not going to sugarcoat how hard this is. But there's light at the end of the tunnel.
Hugs to you. Make this all about your kids and YOU. Do things that make you feel good about yourself whenever possible. Find pleasure, even little moments here and there.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
What I meant was sometimes repair doesn't always happen in the form of a marriage being reconciled but some level of repair can be attained.
It might be a long time before that can happen (or maybe never) but I do believe at some point it is a possibility for all of us.
I am unable to define "repair" because I do think it is different for everybody. It begins with personal repair and that is a long road to walk. I know you are walking it right now.
My dad died four years ago (my parents had been divorced 13 years prior to his death). My mom and stepdad were with us (us = my sister and me) every minute of the time we spent with my dad during the last 5 days of his life. Despite the fact my father could hardly speak I did see with my own two eyes some level of repair between my mom and dad. It may have not been the definitive repair we all hope for but *something* did happen in that hospital room that was healing for the both of them. Of course, when one is nearing the end of their life I suppose there is motivation.
It's amazing what we create or what comes along (or maybe good things only come along when we work to create them) when we sort of dedicate our life to feeling repaired. And it's tough, make no mistake about it. When the wounds of a dissolved marriage are present it is very, very raw. Or I should say it's raw for me but maybe you can relate. Wounds open and close from time to time.
I guess what I am saying (in a rather garbled fashion) is as long as you are still living and breathing the opportunity to create something better is available. And once the madness of the legal side of things is settled down maybe that road will be easier to follow.
I recently read an article that said so many LBS say they have unconditional love for their spouses but in reality, they do not. Unconditional love cannot happen with romantic love because no matter how much you give, at some point you do expect *something* in return.
And when that "something" never gets doled out, something inside you whithers. Not sure how long it takes, but I think this is what we were talking about over on my thread before.
Dude, you are pretty hard on yourself. I think you have been kicking A$$ on the db front! We're a lot alike. Dealing with the reality of the situation and doing the right things to survive with the least damage to our lives is the easy part. getting over the betrayal and resolving that the closest person on the planet is the one who hurt you, well, when you figure that part out, please let me know. I promise if I ever find a way to shut that part of it off, I will not pass go, or collect $200. I'll come straight here and start a new post for all to see. Not holding my breath though.
I think only time can ever fix this.
You've still got my prayers buddy.
ADAPT. OVERCOME. IMPROVISE. -Tom Highway
Me: 43 W: 40 S12 & S9 Married 17yrs Together 20yrs
I read the latest news in your thread. You sound like you are doing great! Good for you! Like the others, I would remind you to take it slow. I am sure it feels fantastic to receive the attention. Enjoy it but take it easy. No need to rush things.
Again, thanks for the words of encouragement. I miss your words of wisdom here. I understand why you are not on here much anymore. I am happy for you, too. I hope to be where you are soon. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, it's just not moving closer yet.
I guess what I am saying (in a rather garbled fashion) is as long as you are still living and breathing the opportunity to create something better is available. And once the madness of the legal side of things is settled down maybe that road will be easier to follow.
God has given me many things to be thankful for. Many things that I took for granted before. Each day is a gift, I realize that.
I'm so sorry about your Dad. I lost my Grandma last year. She was 93 and more than ready to go. It's still terrible watching a loved one die over the course of weeks or days. Still, isn't it a shame that the motivation for healing had to come in the moments before death? I'm not explaining myself very well and please don't take it the wrong way. It is just heartbreaking to think that the love two people once had for each other was gone and it takes a reminder of our own mortality to bring just a little bit of it back. Do you know what I'm trying to say?
I have no doubt that I will eventually prosper, both personally and spiritually. At the same time, my W is the mother of our four kids. No one else will ever be their mom. No one else will ever be my first and only W. From here on out, things will never be normal. We will have fallen directly into what society accepts as normal, but everyone really knows better. Running from problems rather than facing them, turning your back on the person we "left our mother and father for" and were supposed to cling to each other. That's not how it is supposed to work.
I often think of Ronald and Nancy Reagan. They had a seemingly story book marriage. I remember a book of his love letters to Nancy was even published. There is no doubt that they loved each other. But if you look at his first W and their children, things were far from perfect. Family problems followed them all of their lives. Things were never "normal" again.
Don't know if that has anything to do with anything. I'm just trying to say that if I ever get married again, it could be to the best woman in the world, my true soul mate. The reality of it is I still have four children that this will affect for the rest of their lives. I will do all that I can to make the transition as painless as possible, but it will not be without consequences. Even thought I don't want the M to break up, she is putting me in the position of having to deal with the fall out of this for the rest of my life. It shouldn't be this easy to end it all.
Wow, just re-read that and didn't realize how whiny it sounds. I will go ahead and leave it, though. It's all true. It isn't right and it isn't fair. We must move on and deal with things. No other choice.
