Should I Tell Her to Move On???

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Phone call completed.

We say hello.

I say what's up?

W: "Well, mutual friend gave me the hard sell this morning."

Me: What's that suppose to mean?

W: MF told me about the changes you've made and how happy and insightful I have grown to be"

Me: OK, so what does that mean?

Pause....1 minute of silence.

W: I want to talk about us

Me OK, What do you want to talk about?

Agian silence....

W: Forget it, Ummm, I want to talk about the kids and what you're saying to them. D5 was asking me about me changing my name. Where does a child come up with a statement like that.

Me: Honestly W, I don't say anything about us to the kids except enjoy your time with each of us and we both love you.

That finally led to talking about us.

I ask W what do you want? She said I want you and the family back.

We talk about things tha happened in the past. How she tried to talk to me about this before. I asked WHEN? Apparntly when I cancelled the meeting with her a few weeks ago with her she wanted to talk to me about us. I said you just wanted to talk about co-parenting and I said I was perfectly fine with parenting.

Skipping some stuff.... but then we talk about the problems, and that she she had. The only one she had an issue with was me not sleeping in bed. 9 times out of 10 I ended up on the couch.
(for those who have read from the begining, I had extreme anxiety and sleep disorders which cause me sleepless nights)
That effected our physical R.

She said she need to know if that could be different and that all the other issues can be worked on.

Told W that I addressed all the issues I had pertaining to my health but I didn't have time to go into it now.Also I said I worked hard on myself the past year.

She did admit seeing changes but then saw some old bahavior which confused her.

She talked about the kids at the beach and how they wanted me to be there to see them riding their boogie boards.
She also admitted to missing me this summer down there.

She was crying at times during the convo, I didremain in control of my emotions through the entire talk.

I'm sure I'm missing some stuff..

OH yeah, I asked W, What makes you happy???
She said She didn't know. I said you need to find what makes you happy. I said you have had this aura of unhappiness about you for the past year and it's unattractive. So find out what make mrs. gr8 happy.
I will support you any way I can, I want you to be happy.

She asked me if we could talk about the issue regarding my health. I said I can't do it now but I am free Friday if she wanted to meet or talk.

There is trust issues on both sides.

When she brought up old times I told her that was the old me.
Honestly I have never had a more powerful convo with my W then this call.

I did say to her that I know what I want nowand if it's not with her it WILL be with someone else. Not a thread, just know what I want in a healthy R now.



Talk about OM and OW never came up. Should it? I didn't betray my friends trust by bringing it up. I am a man of my word.

I have so much to think about my head is spinning.

Sorry to be all over the place.


Addition here: I forgot this:

during our discussion she said I would be the person I am today if this didn't happen to me.
I think she jusitfying her choice to leave to make light of the seriousness.
I told her that was an unfair statement. I have no idea what would/could have happened if things went differently

robx, have you any ensights or words of wisdom?

[pinhead]

I have so much to think about my head is spinning.

Take your time. Baby steps.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Keep everything you have learned here in mind and do what's right!

If I decide to R:

Thought about it some and the next time we meet Im am going to let her what I need to be in a healthy R/M. I will also ask her to do the same. Total truth about every aspect.

After we discuss our needs, we'll need to think about whether we can fulfill each others.

Then there would have to be a total commitment to make it work.

Counseling, support groups ... whatever it takes.

I know I need to go slow, especially since I have seen what's out there if I D. Single life is very enticing but I know that does not last and gets old.

I will be digesting for a few days.
Reading more posts in Piecing Forum.

[TimeHeals]

After we discuss our needs, we'll need to think about whether we can fulfill each others.

Then there would have to be a total commitment to make it work.

Take her to do something that *she* would like to do Nothing expensive.

I took my STBXW to a drive-thru safaria about 45 miles from here. She got to pet girraffes and camels and llamas. She likes animals a lot. Then we got a bite to eat at a unique ( but inexpensive) place nearby with a big store (tourist trap) inside. While we looked at the stuff in the store, I was getting the vibe, so I kissed her in public

Had to work up to that though.

[Dane]

Baby steps!!! Don't rush. Remeber slow is fast. Keep working on yourself and don't backslide.

I like your approach about total truth about every aspect, and then see if each of you can fulfill each other needs.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

TH,
thanks for the thought.

We need to agree first on the "needs" before I would venture taking her some where.

It feels like another bomb has been dropped on me, only this time I feel indifferent.

I have gotten use to the idea of being D. Now I'm not sure how I feel. Weird, have you felt this too?

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Dane,
thanks, I know piecing is difficult but if the rules and boundaries are in place from the beginning then it should be less hard.

That's why it's good to have healthy boundaries in place.

[TimeHeals]

We need to agree first on the "needs" before I would venture taking her some where.

Your call.

My W brought up that stuff: first it was let's see where things are going, then dating exclusively, then wearing rings and trying to reconcile.

All I am doing at this point is trying to slow her down and eventually introduce some pro-marriage stuff.

[pookie69]

You reached a milestone. All this hard work is beginning to pay off. This part I think is probably tougher than anything so far.

I hope the vets here can advise.

I have been preparing myself slowly for that moment also.

Good luck! One small step at the time.

[idontunderstand]

I have gotten use to the idea of being D. Now I'm not sure how I feel.

It sounds like the perfect frame of mind to be in at this stage. You won't be making decisions emotionally. You will do what is best for you and what you now know about yourself and about what it takes to have a healthy marriage.

Good luck to you!