It will always be something when it comes to certain WAS's... cows, lupus, being broke and whatever else they can conjure up in their minds. And people like Dan and D (my H) are the WAS that are least done. WAS don't continue to engage with the LBS three years later like our H's do for no reason. Sadly though they choose the same approach and wind up further back than they started. D has been doing the same thing to me for the past few weeks. It's abusive and cruel. People who are abusive and cruel are lost and both of our H's are very, very lost. Their inability to find their way to a place of peace and self understanding often makes us the target. We can remove ourselves as much as possible. We do our best.
You though, Bobbi Jo, have a generous quality about you that radiates in each thing you do. And the idea of hope that you have (had) cements how generous in spirit you are.
You are lovable - we all know that. You are fun, kind, dedicated and a ball of sunshine with the prettiest face on Facebook!
What is inspiring about you is how you ALWAYS have the ability to pick yourself up after a hard stretch with Dan or work or your family. You find strength and share strength with us.
@CG>>>"WAS don't continue to engage with the LBS three years later like our H's do for no reason. Sadly though they choose the same approach and wind up further back than they started."
Reading your other thread about what was said by Dan & when, it does appear that he uses what he can to keep engaging you. What better way than thru the kids, OW, etc.
It's only since I have gone to somewhat extreme measures to avoid contact with H that I have regained balance & some peace in my life.
It's Dan that doesn't seem to want to let go. Maybe he knows that he will probably regret losing you & wants to keep you connected in the only (unhealthy) way he knows how.
@CG>>"You are lovable - we all know that. You are fun, kind, dedicated and a ball of sunshine with the prettiest face on Facebook!
What is inspiring about you is how you ALWAYS have the ability to pick yourself up after a hard stretch with Dan or work or your family. You find strength and share strength with us."
This is true...ignore Dan's evaluation, it's only used to keep control.
Ali posted this on my old thread before it closed...
Hey Bobbi.. I read that and my instinct was.. Dan was jealous. He has a possessive/controlling personality right and probably cant bear the thought of you 'jumping into bed' with his business partner. I guess you got ahead of yourself talking to them at dinner and didnt think that it may rile Dan...or did you??
Kalni is right, you need to let go and move on ?? I cant help thinking that you need a bf, any bf, just to take the focus off Dan. It doesnt have to be 'the one', it could be a transitional relationship right.. you are lucky in a sense that you already have your family, so you dont need to urgently find Mr Right. Its like groundhog day.. can you see that? If you cant make yourself let go, maybe you could just date someone, anyone, lol, to force the process. You are divorced, so it is allowed!
Why dont you be honest with Dan next time he calls and 'chews you out'.. instead of all this trying to explain, convince him or justify yourself and get him to care and change his mind?? (thats how I view your convo's, you trying desperately to get him to change his opinion of you).. why not either a) say, I cant keep having these conversations with you and put the phone down or b) just cry, shout, tell him to f-off or whatever REALLY is in your heart c) tell him you are not over him yet and you need more time to do that before you can be friends and in the meantime.. LEAVE ME THE F*&$ ALONE.
On a separate point..he thinks you didnt support him in the M, so he left, he divorced you and yet he is STILL angry about it??! Whats that all about ?? I'm guessing its not really about you and maybe one day, he will realise that Bobbi, but I dont think it will be anytime this century! _________________________ Me:39 H:36 Together:11yrs IDLY left 11/07 ADs 03/08 ow 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
1) Ali I think he was upset about the partner, for more than one reason. When he dropped kids off yesterday, he was still fuming about it. He said, "I am so glad you are debt free and have money to spend on cows. Because I sure don't. I am flat broke." So he has got to be bitter than I am living well financially, and he isn't. I just said, "Well, guess the consequences of divorcing me must suck for you."
2) He is still trying to spend money on something, who knows what all... Yesterday after the tirade about being broke he said, "And I tried to get a loan last week for something and I couldn't because my name is on this house. Get it out of my name now." I said, "I will, I have a year to do it..." That pissed him off. BC that means I could take until February. Actually I have the paperwork, I just picked it up from my local bank. I just have to fill it out and return it.
3) As far as you Ali and K have mentioned about dating, I am getting there. Trust me, I want to be dating and having fun! Just need willing participants whom I actually find desirable.
Aviator guy and I went out once, but with his kids and mine on opposite custody schedules that is not going anywhere. We may go out again in 2 weeks, which would be almost 2 months in between our first and second date...
Then golf guy wants to get together again, but he lives 2 hrs away, so our dates will prob be one a month at best.
Speech coach guy just texted me Sat night. With school back on we have seen each other a time or two for coaches' meetings. And we have a coach retreat in 2 weeks out of town. I know he will not be "The Guy", neither will the other ones I have been chatting with. But I don't care. I just want to go out, have fun, get kissed.
and on a side note..I'd like to see The Tide play The Ducks...that would be a good game..if the Ducks still had Masoli...I would consider them unbeatable..
Last edited by M from Tennessee; 09/20/1003:40 PM.
Yesterday kids came running up my sidewalk breathlessly excited when Dan droppped them off. "Mom! Dad's friend from work came to Pizza Machine with us! And her son came too. He's seven. I like him."
Kids ran inside, I walked over to the car. I said, "If you have them 50% of the time,how about you spend the other 50% with her?" He says, "She is not moving up here, she cannot." Again, I assume it is in her decree and her son is only seven so that will be years...
I said, 'OK, so you guys are going to date long distance for years? That doesn't sound worth it...'
To which he replies, "She is just a friend that's all.Because she can't move here." I actually laughed out loud at that one.
I said, "Well the kids are smart and they know friends don't have overnight visits"...he just said, "We don't have those. She drove back last night all the way to K.C. She is just a friend."
Now that right there is funny.
Serenity is right I can't allow myself to be second or third in line for him. I wouldn't want to be her, anyway. At least in my case I know I tried so hard bc of 18 years together and 2 kids. Here she is apparently willing to drive 5 hours round trip to spend time with him on occasion when schedules permit, knowing they aren't getting married or even moving in together anytime soon. Hell maybe they both prefer it that way, they can go screw around with anyone else they want and then just hook up from time to time.
Onward and upward for me. There was no preschool today bc it is an early dismissal day. I didn't realize we canceled on those days, I have a lot to learn about preschool!
Oh and the family reunion yesterday was a lot of fun. Great to spend hours with people who love me.
Talking with him about his personal life is just added frustration for you. And from Dan's perspective, it tastes a bit controlling with a side dish of jealousy. I think you need to let it go from now on.
Yeah I know. I guess I was just having a "WTF" moment...
I mean, they are serious about each other, planning on moving in togther, getting married, etc, then the kids would have to know about her, obviously.
But instead he is saying, BECAUSE she cannot live here, BECAUSE she is just a friend, it is okay for the kids to know her and spend time with her.
And yeah, I guess if one of my guy friends who is really just a friend wanted to do something together with my kids maybe at some point I would consider it. But Speech Guy offered to do something with all of us one weekend last year when we had not gone on a date yet, and I still said I would feel uncomfortable having another man around my kids.
So anyway it just came out when he said that. I was like "Really? That's the angle you are going with? She is a 'friend'?" and it made me laugh. I will learn to control that impulse. In fact last night as I was mowing I had a quick thought--if she gets preggers it will be hard to call her just a friend. In the past I would have shared that thought with Dan. This time I just kept mowing...
And now I am starving. Gotta get some lunch here soon.
I think it gives him some kind of boost when he "get's to you". Because that wouldn't be happening if all those feelings were gone. For some reason, neither of you have let go.
It really helped me to keep seeing ex as just the mailman. I am cordial but don't offer any info unless it deals with the kids. What I do with my time &/or my money isn't his concern. Stop yourself and think...Would I share that with the mailman.
You know I still slip now and then but ex is becoming less and less a fixture in my life. I even asked the boys if they wanted to spend more time with him and they both said," No, all he does most of the time we are together is watch tv with his Dad. He isn't spending time with us in any real way."
You will get there.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Oh, Kids ran inside, I walked over to the car. I said, "If you have them 50% of the time,how about you spend the other 50% with her?" He says, "She is not moving up here, she cannot." Again, I assume it is in her decree and her son is only seven so that will be years...
I said, 'OK, so you guys are going to date long distance for years? That doesn't sound worth it...'
To which he replies, "She is just a friend that's all.Because she can't move here." I actually laughed out loud at that one.
I said, "Well the kids are smart and they know friends don't have overnight visits"...he just said, "We don't have those. She drove back last night all the way to K.C. She is just a friend."
Totally useless discussion. He only got his fix of "I can still push her buttons", but you kne wthat right?
evaluation, it's only used to keep control.
