There is definitely an element of post-traumatic stress a lot of us go through, I think.
My situation is very different from yours, as my H had an affair 8 years ago, I DB'd and we successfully reconciled, had several more great years together before he fell down the midlife crisis rabbit hole. Somehow, though, for me - once he actually moved out, I was very quickly DONE. Seeing him put our college-age kids through that killed any last little bit of respect I had for him.
And since I WAS done - and didn't have the complication of little kids at home - I was able to move on into a very healing rebound relationship. I was ready for it, and this man admired me for the very things my ex used to criticize, made me feel sexy and attractive, kept me from being lonely just when I needed it most. We're not together now, but we're still very good friends, and I know this really helped me in the process.
Now I look at my ex, and although I still have good memories of the good years of our relationship, he's not the kind of guy I would want to go out with now.
I guess my point for you is this: be careful of confusing loneliness and anxiety and nostalgia for who he used to me, with a desire to be with who he is NOW. You DON'T want him back unless he does the WORK necessary to fix all his problems.
I think on one hand a rebound relationship would be a good thing for me. A moving on kind of thing. On the other hand, it isn't as easy a thing with a little kid at home. I have struck up a long distance flirtation. It feels risk-free and a good way to open up a little.
You're right. I don't want to be with someone who's way of dealing with their fear is to lash out at the person they love. Someone who is so afraid of being hurt that they make sure to hurt everyone else first.
I don't know that there's a huge amount of difference between who my XH was THEN and who he is NOW. I was just discussing that with another divorced friend the other day. She said that in retrospect she can see all these red flags about the kind of person her XH was, but she just didn't see them before. However, in my case, I think I saw all those red flags, but had so little relationship experience that I didn't realize they could be a problem. I changed when our son came along, stepped up to the plate because I had to. My XH, while he loves our son, wasn't about to change his behavior for anyone.
I think the divorce and suddenly only getting to see his son a couple times a year has had a big impact. Of course, he chose that impact, while my son didn't. I have no idea if he's done any of the work he needs to do for himself. I know he's told me he's quit smoking, but that's just one of his addictions. He told me he regrets scoffing at the idea of marriage counseling. But of course he told me that only after we'd both moved so far away from each other it was a moot point. I can imagine him taking an honest look at himself and getting some help. But I would be embarrassed to admit (anywhere other than here) that I might be holding out for that day, or rather for the years of work that come after that day.
I'm thinking that it is getting time to ask XH to stop sending the personal notes. I just got one a moment ago about how the area where we were stationed together is really beautiful (he's back there for training) and that he didn't notice it before. And that now he notices what a great place it would have been to live.
Of course, when we were there he had nothing good to say about it, even though that's where my family is and where I wanted to live. So once again, I find myself unproductively trying to figure out why he would say that to me at this point. What is he getting at?
Reality check Opti, you walked away and went through all that legal stuff, just to be back here trying to read his mind and being pulled around by his little hints? If I let myself be effected by these little notes this way, perhaps it is time to ask him to stop sending them.
Hi, I totally hear your pain. I have D for 4 months now and my XH had an affair and is now planning on marrying her next year. I also want my family and wish he would just change his mind. Everytime he shows me a bit of humanity I start to slip back, however I have to stay strong and draw a line under this all. I need to focus on the positive, try not to be bitter and start to make choices for myself and my sons. I am in control of my destiny, not him.
Not sure if that helps.
Me 37 years young!! S11 S7 T22 M14 D final 13.05.2010 Today is the first day of the rest of my life!!! First post: D Day has arrived
Opti- I too admit stuff on here that I don't to anyone else. I am still in love with my ex also, as I have posted on my thread. Yesterday, if still married we would have celebrated our 19 yr. anniversary. I was a mess all day for many reasons. During the day, my XH messaged me on the IM and we chatted about kid stuff and work stuff, then at the end I put "19 years ago today I married the most amazing man and I miss him so very much. We all miss you and love you! I know you won't respond and that is fine, I understand, just know that my love for you is unconditional and as you look back you have to realize that I never, ever turned my back on you and support you 100%!! Have a great day and let me know what you find out or if you get the note!!" (a doctor's note for our D17 that lives with him). He responded, just said he would and thanked me. So, after work I went out with a bunch of friends and had a blast, I got home and at 11 pm got a text from him that simply said "Happy Anniversary"...I lost it and dropped to my knees sobbing.
So...I know exactly what you mean by not wanting to get the texts but wanting to get them all at the same time. It would be more healthy for you not to get them and not spend the time thinking about what they mean, I am right there with you. I need to stop too, but on the off chance that this is working and all my efforts and DBing, GAL... all of it, is finally helping him see that my love for him is real and unconditional..I just can't stop. I can see him going in and out of the MLC tunnel and I just keep, keeping on with the same stuff of working on myself and improving me and supporting him when he initiates it... and hope that one day he will come out completely. I am not putting myself on hold though either, I have dated, I have a life with friends and family. I pray to God each and everyday for him to help me heal and handle things with my XH the exact way I am suppose to with the Lord's guidance.
Hang in there Opti!! I love everything "missmyfriend" said too, so right on and exactly what I believe too. Thanks everyone on these boards, I think it is so great to be able to come here and vent to people who really understand.
A
Me-40 XH-44 T-21 M-18 Div-19 mo. D-18,S-15,D-11 Bomb-7/07 EA,PA Mvd out-9/07-to give me space mvd back-12/07 mvd out-7/08 back with OW since 2/08 OW broke it off-1/10 in and out of tunnel and our life since!!
I've received a string of personal notes from my XH, which he's tagged onto emails we have been exchanging about issues our son is having at school. I haven't responded to any of them (the personal notes, not the stuff about our son). He's reminisced about the old places we lived, the people we used to know, etc. And last night, after I sent him a set of photos I took a couple years ago, he said they make him think about the good times and wished it could be that way now.
I'm still not responding. Don't know if he wants me to or not. When we were separated I was pulled back in by this sort of thing. He hinted at it, I took action. I don't know if he wants me to take some sort of action or if he really just wants to reminisce and that's it.
Honestly, I am pulled back in already. My feelings for him have never changed. But I had to start thinking with my head instead of blindly following my feelings around. I'd like to tell him that all he has to do is tell me he wants to get back together, show me that he's getting help for his emotional problems, and find a way to move across the country to where our son and I live now, and ba-da-bing, it can all be his again. Somehow, that doesn't seem quite right, or realistic, or likely.
I did allow myself to pray for a reconciliation and renewed marriage vows between he and I last night. I've been fighting with myself about that. If I pray for it/manifest it is that just holding on when I should be letting go and moving on. Or is there no harm in it, since I maybe I can't force my feelings to change and I'll move on in my own time anyway?
Oh, I have no clue. But, it doesn't matter too much, because there are no actions to take... finally.
I told him the school wants me to get professional counseling for our son, and my XH is suddenly supportive of it. When we were together he was totally against any kind of counseling for us, or any kind of intervention at school for our son. It wasn't until the divorce was nearly finalized and we both had moved across the country, that XH said he wished he hadn't scoffed at counseling.
So now I think the reality of losing his family has hit him and he's suddenly reconsidering his attitudes. He's asking for old photos of our trips and talking about shared memories and being cooperative about getting help for our son. But, I have no clue if he's taking steps to deal with his problems. And I guess I don't know what that would look like for him beyond counseling, an AA program and maybe a doctor for his insomnia.
I don't think I have to answer any questions right now, or any time soon. I'm not about to uproot my son again, even if XH said he wanted to get back together. He'd have to come to us. And that won't be an option for him for a few years. Maybe by then I'll have moved on. Certainly he'll have had opportunities to do the same.
If XH said he wanted to move here to be closer to his son and approached me about trying again, I'd know something major had changed because that would be totally out of character for him. But if he decided to take that kind of initiative and risk for what he wanted, and I didn't have someone else, that would be great. So whatever happens, the problem solves itself. And for now, I guess I'll just enjoy knowing that, in fact, letting me go is cause for regret.
Well, I've started an email dialogue with my xh about a lot of things we never talked about while we were married. It's been back and forth a few times now with him saying he wants to continue the discussion and learn more about me and answer all my questions. His last email, however, asked why I was now "spilling my guts" with all these feelings I had that I kept to myself. It's a very, very, very good question. I tried to answer it, more for myself than for him. But I don't know if I did a very good job.
When I walked away and filed I was 100% sure it was the right thing to do and I'd exhausted all other avenues. I thought I would always atleast have that. Now I'm feeling that slip away. If I'd just come out with all these feelings I had a couple years earlier...would I still be divorced today??? Aaarrghgh. I did my best, right? I just wasn't able to open up at that time, maybe. He was not easy to talk to, he walked away, he was hiding his own heavy secrets.
