hoosiermama? I AM!!

[hoosiermama]

just got this:
"I work until 4:30."

he usually does; sometimes he has meetings or whatever, tho. but this is gonna end. if he chooses not to communicate, we will not be here when he comes to pick her up. I don't know why this is suddenly an issue for him. and honestly, if D was okay with arranging her own schedule, she might be old enough to do it--she'd confer with me. but the issue is that she isn't okay with it, and feels pressured and stuck in the middle. she's been clear about that, I've been clear about that, and he still chooses to persist. Just to have control and make the point that he has contempt for me.

what a bully.

[kat727]

What about getting a calendar and wrting in all the dates, times etc. You each have one. If anything changes obviously contact the other asap. Sounds like a plan at least. Do it month by month.

kat

[hoosiermama]

I've tried that. he refuses. once he said he was going to schedule a month in advance, but he never did. he basically, by default, this is what we always end up doing.

[BeingMe]

What a jacka$$! Sorry, I know he's the father of your daughter, but really ... what the dickens is he thinking. Obviously, nothing but himself. Perhaps, it's time to show your contempt for him, and show him what his type of communication feels like. Your D should just tell him that she will not pass on any messages, and if he doesn't communicate with you and things get muddled, then it's his problem. As long as this doesn't mess with your routine, of course.

Omigosh! It's bad enough dealing with one's family being broken, but then to have the WAS acting like a spoiled brat. Just too much. And, D is feeling it.

[hoosiermama]

and so it continues....

xH has been on a roll, suddenly, about taxes. apparently he disregarded a notice from the IRS--which I never received--and now it's a crisis. because he never sent in our taxes, by the way. so he's all over the place making demands. and then yesterday he decides he wants his drums. Now. and is on his way, with gf and her car, to get them. so I clear a space for them to be hauled out of the spare bedroom, where they've taken up a corner for more than 2 years since he left. and he arrives, doesn't speak, doesn't look at me, and starts hauling them out like he's angry. so I went outside to talk with gf, as did D14, who was leaving with him to celebrate the Jewish holidays with gf and her family. as xH's toddler behavior escalated, D14 walked away and began pacing. I asked gf--"what's up with him??" and she said, "what do you mean?" lol!! "oh, the anxiety? I don't know." eventually as he was carrying things out (this is $2000 worth of drum set) he accused me of taking 2 cymbals and a box containing hardware. yeah, right. he hasn't seen these in over 2 years, didn't care about them when he moved out because that gf didn't like him being a drummer...and now he thinks he remembers all that he left behind? once everything was packed, he decides he wants his bike, which is buried in the garage. but gf pointed out there was no room to put it, and they could return with the bike rack. and they left without xH saying goodbye.

so now I know she's at least witnessed him at his childish best...and didn't seem to notice. I don't know what's going on with him, but he's exponentially more jerk-like in the past week. D14 says he's just uncomfortable with me. yeah, like I've done anything different. but it makes me...afraid. I don't know what to expect next.

yesterday was the 16th anniversary of the loss of our first son. his name was Dominic...no one else knows that name, knows about him, and that makes me sad.

[hoosiermama]

unrelated post.

I'm very lonely this morning. it will be okay; it's a beautiful day, I have some interesting things to do. but I miss connection right now. it's not about whether or not I ever have it again, but right now I miss feeling connected to another person. I want someone to see something special in me, little things, good things that are worth noticing and celebrating. yes, I can do that for myself, but I want the intimacy of someone else finding those things. and even more than that, I want to do the same for someone else--their little gifts, the sweetness, the specialness, the things that perhaps no one else notices in each other. I want a love, or at least a connection, that is a shelter in the storm, that allows me--just for a moment--to hold and be held, to lean, to face pain with reinforcements and not alone. and I want that person not to leave, not to suddenly see only the bad parts of me (or to manufacture some that never before existed), to reach across the scars and the prickly times and say "this is worth working through" or even "let me help you with that."

is this unrealistic?

[Susan1Survivor]

Hi (((hossiermama))),

I am sorry you are feeling so lonely this morning.
Of course all of what you want and need is realistic. All of that is a basic human need.

I feel the same way. I'd even just like a HUG right now. It's a terrible feeling being so disconnected from our spouses.

Once we heal and we feel as if we are open enough for dating again, the right person will come along.But we'd better be more selective and careful this time. With my STBXH, all the red flags were there. I just refused to see them because I was caught up in the headiness of love/lust.
In my next R, I want a gentle, kind man-someone who loves animals and doesn't believe I am weak because I get emotional.

Continue working on yourself and you'll attract the right person when the time is right~

Take care

[Gardener]

hm,
Hi, I took a week or two off of the site. I'm so sorry for d14. How ironoc and admirable that she is so much more mature than her dad. Sorry about the tight, lean times; you know I can relate.

I'm very lonely this morning. it will be okay; it's a beautiful day, I have some interesting things to do. but I miss connection right now. it's not about whether or not I ever have it again, but right now I miss feeling connected to another person. I want someone to see something special in me, little things, good things that are worth noticing and celebrating. yes, I can do that for myself, but I want the intimacy of someone else finding those things. and even more than that, I want to do the same for someone else--their little gifts, the sweetness, the specialness, the things that perhaps no one else notices in each other. I want a love, or at least a connection, that is a shelter in the storm, that allows me--just for a moment--to hold and be held, to lean, to face pain with reinforcements and not alone. and I want that person not to leave, not to suddenly see only the bad parts of me (or to manufacture some that never before existed), to reach across the scars and the prickly times and say "this is worth working through" or even "let me help you with that."

Painful. Touching.
Yet beautifully expressed! (Have you been inside my mind, lately? )

Best I can do is a Mary Chapin Carpenter (who else?) quote from her song, "We Traveled So Far," that I keep on my desk:

You with the blue in your eyes
The storms of life leave a few lines
Squinting, you search for the signs
Of kindness, of love, of someone
To walk with in rain or in sun
Until then, life's hardly begun

You traveled
You traveled so far
You traveled so far to be here

is this unrealistic?

God, no! The simplest, most basic of human needs: connection.

Peace,

[hoosiermama]

Thank you, Susan.

Sometimes posting really reinforces why I'm so lonely. I think posting here has served it's purpose, run it's course. I'm done. I'll still read other threads, but no further reason to post.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Hoozh,

I hope you'll keep posting. I think it's been good for you, which is why I suggested it to begin with. I know it doesn't feel like it today, tho.

Everything you want is fair. And realistic. I hope you'll keep searching for it.

Hugs,

Puppy