A new beginning to an end

[soleil]

I haven't looked into ADs yet, though I should. I am in a very deep depression that does NOT go away. This morning I saw my dad and told him "I hate my life. I really do. I hate how it's turned out" and he got upset and told me not to talk like that. But it's true. I do hate my life. I have no idea where to go from here. My self-esteem is low for the first time in my life, I feel inadequate as a woman/wife, I feel unloved, and sad. I thought I had everything: a beautiful home, a hardworking H, financial security and feel I have NOTHING now. I know this is bad but I have actually thought of ending all of this but I know that is not the answer. I just don't know where to go from here. Definitely feel I am regressing in life so much. Every other week it seems someone is getting pregnant or married (of my friends) and here I am getting a D, my H doesn't even want to be married to me (serious blow to me/major rejection) and have a teensy apt. I hate it.

My IC does help but I really just am depressed. Some days are worse than others and today is one of those days.

Not meaning to sound like a downer at all but it's so frustrating, all of this. Grr.

[antlers]

I'm sorry. I know the feeling. Tincture of time...I don't know what else to do except keep going...and let time pass.

[whatisis]

Sol, if this is really how you feel then make an appointment and get it done! There's no shame. I know a number of people in my life who have gone through this and are so thankful they had AD's to lift them up during these times. I know a number of people on this board have told you of their successful AD experiences too. Don't let yourself get dragged down to where you can't fight back any more, go and talk to your doctor about what you need. Get it done!

[ImprovedRomeo]

Sol, sorry to hear how you feel and I can relate to it. I was there too and not long ago either. You will get past all of this and your new life will start to take place. For now definitely look into the ADs and give it time.

I thought I had everything: a beautiful home, a hardworking H, financial security and feel I have NOTHING now.

It's very understandable to feel the way you do. This was your dream which was taken away from you. But the good thing is dreams are ours to keep and we get to build and rebuild them even if we have to replace some people in them. So keep your dreams and you'll rebuild your new life even better once you get past this hump.

Also, I avoided telling my parents that I hated my life even when I felt that way because parents will do anything when they see their kids are hurting. So definitely tell them how you feel just not that you're in a very very bad shape...I think they can tell that you are anyway. You can tell your siblings, your friends and us- most of us can relate.

As for people getting married and pregnant yes perhaps but at least all around me I'm seeing more and more people getting divorced these days. Just look at how many new posters come here every week.

I have no idea where to go from here. My self-esteem is low for the first time in my life, I feel inadequate as a woman/wife, I feel unloved, and sad. I thought I had everything: a beautiful home, a hardworking H, financial security and feel I have NOTHING now. I know this is bad but I have actually thought of ending all of this but I know that is not the answer. I just don't know where to go from here.

NO NO NO!!! You're too precious to even think that way. You're too good to let one idiot define who you are. It's normal to take a hit on your self-esteem, feel inadequate, unloved and sad. Unfortunately, it's part of the process but it gets better. Believe that! I know I'm repeating this stuff but I'll repeat it as many times as I have to until you start repeating this in your head.

You said you had a life outside of your H- start it up again. What are you doing to GAL?

[CityGirl]

You don't sound like a downer. You sound like somebody who is courageous enough to be honest about their feelings even though the feelings are very dark.

I can say I honestly thought about ending it all during the worst of my situation. Between my Lupus spinning out of control, the anxiety attacks, the financial strain, the litigation, me almost losing my business due to my poor health and the devastation of my H leaving for his mistress, well, let's just say it seemed like an appealing option. The good thing is we are still here. We are still breathing and we both have lots of amazing people in our lives.

As for your dad... he loves you and doesn't want to know his daughter is hurting. My mom would have killed my H by now if she could have figured out a way to get away with it (I'm kidding but don't mess with a southern mama). My attny always joked and said he could deal with any judge or attny with ease but put an angry parent in front of him and he is fearful! LOL! As he said... when a mom sees their kid going through a horrible divorce the mom is not real interested in the laws or policy or procedure - she is interested in creative justice

This is all a hot mess. It's probably a safe bet to say that I am more a hot mess than you Either way though we all love you and we are going to see you through just like you do for all of us.

Nothing I can say will make you feel better but know we are here!

[2gthrButApart]

Sol, I'm feeling the exact same way. And I can't shake it. I'm 8 mths pregnant which really knocks my emotions out of whack. I spoke to my midwife today and she gave me a Rx for Zoloft to see if it helps. And I begin IC next week. I'm praying something helps. Everyone keeps yelling at me to "let go" but they just don't know how deeply I hurt. I have anxiety attacks throughout the day and a few at night. I've lost 6 lbs in 2 weeks which is not good being pregnant. I know your pain. I feel it daily too. I had your same dreams and its all been taken away from me. And my WAH is in love w/ an OW. Huge blow to my self esteem. I'm spinning out of control and wish I could just go to sleep
With my girls and never wake up again. I hope my AD's work. I wish I could have my H back. I just want a happy family.

[soleil]

First of all, let me say how I really love you guys. All of you. Because I don't even know you guys yet your posts are a source of strength in really difficult/hard/happy/and unhappy times.

The range of emotions when one is D'ing are seriously like someone with multiple personality disorder. This morning I was feeling the end of my life was a second away and now I am feeling like if I happened to see H right now, I would want to kick him in the balls.

You said you had a life outside of your H- start it up again. What are you doing to GAL?

My GALs are that I go to work and school and honestly not much else outside that. I WILL start going to the gym again soon (I was a gym rat for years before all this went down) and I WILL start being more social with my friends again. I have really gotten away from my friends, I feel.

My mom would have killed my H by now if she could have figured out a way to get away with it (I'm kidding but don't mess with a southern mama). !

This made me LOL. Haha.

Either way though we all love you and we are going to see you through just like you do for all of us.

Aww. This made me feel so much better. Group hug, everyone!

I just saw the H called me and didn't leave a message. Should i call him back today? We haven't spoken since Saturday when I told him it was inappropos for him to be calling since he's D'ing me...

[CityGirl]

The range of emotions are insane. I had a horrible morning dealing with an issue with my late father's estate and for some reason felt the urge to kill my H (ya know, cause it's my H's fault my father didn't document things as he should have). I had to walk by the family court building to go to my appt. and I wanted to scream like a crazy person.

I wouldn't call him back. Sounds like temperature checking to me - if it's urgent he will leave a message.

[ImprovedRomeo]

Going back to the gym would be a great start (don't forget your MsTaken ring I posted about in Kat's thread). So will joining a few meetup.com groups to do some activities (hiking, biking, bowling, shooting-range, knife-fighting...or whatever you're into lol)

Yeah don't call him back...just like Lady Gaga's Telephone song. BTW, search for "Telephone Office version" better than the original I think. Apparently, Lady Gaga said so too...

OK found it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qsU9tz3d3OY

Probably NSF (Not Safe for Work).

CG, don't watch it...you won't like it at all LOL

[brenalim]

Sol... freaks me out when I hear you talk about ending things. Please please don't that! Don't let him win. Don't let him have that kind of power over you. Divorce will not be the end of the world. Emotions are temporary. Remember? Look back on what you've been through already. You've had good days, sad days, pissy days... it's constantly changing. You are great! You are beautiful! Everyone on this forum wants you to survive this and I'm sure your family and friends do too. You don't need him at all. You have so many other people in your life worth being here for! Remember that always and don't let him have any more power over how you will live your life. Happiness is a choice. You may have to choose it several times a day but YOU CAN DO IT!!