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A Message from Michele
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Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2075684
09/13/10 10:48 PM
09/13/10 10:48 PM
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Originally Posted By: bluestar
This article has popped up several times today on this thread. I just don't see it as being in conflict with true exposure. The article suggests that constantly telling your family about your marital problems or whining to them about how bad your spouse is will damage your chances of reuniting. I actually agree. What this article is addressing is called gossip and that is damaging no matter what kind of relationship it is.

However, true exposure is very different from what this article is talking about. It does not come from a place of "getting back" at the spouse. It is designed to bring the secrets into the light. Affairs thrive in secrecy. When the bright light is shined on them, most of them can't take the stress of reality and the marriage then has a chance of healing.

We can debate about how, when, to whom, etc but exposure does work. I used a limited form of exposure in my sitch and it definitely worked. I would not have been able to put my marriage back together if I hadn't done it.

There are some on this board who are such strong advocates of their positions for or against that they cannot tolerate other opinions. I hope that everyone can learn from all the recent discussion and stop the personal attacks. We all have the same goal in mind. We just have different ways of achieving it.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2075701
09/13/10 11:27 PM
09/13/10 11:27 PM
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Originally Posted By: robx
Quote:
Here is an email I got this morning from the W;


We obviously cannot come to an agreement. Any further communications need to go through my attorney. Please do not contact me again. If you would like to set up some temporary visitation arrangements before Oct. hearing you can do so with my attorney. I will pick up S every day until the hearing unless other arrangements have been made through my attorney.


My response was this: please forward your attorneys info, glad you have the kids best interest in mind.

Yes I could have left the last sentence out, but here we go with another power play on her part using the kids. She makes me sick, I am really upset right now.


Seriously I would have wrote her back this:

"...Without a formal custody agreement in place,
you can not legally stop me from seeing my kids or stop me from having them at my place, until a formal custody agreement is in place you can assume I will take them 50% of the time. No court has given you 100% custody of my children and no court has given you the authority to grant me "temporary visitation" as you see fit when it's suitable to you & your schedule. What you have just attempted to offer me is illegal, contact your lawyer if you refute my claims. I am and will always be their father and it is in the children's best interests to have BOTH parents in their lives, not just a mother who works 2 jobs and lets the kids live in daycare most of the time - this type of parenting is not in the children's best interests. Keeping the children away from me is illegal when there is no custody agreement in place.

I will also remind you that the courts decided in my favor the last time we went through this process. Until a custody agreement is in place expect me to pick up my children on these days of the week (xxx...) from now on.

FYI I showed up at the first hearing that you decided to NOT show up for, I'm trying to move on with my life and I'm not holding back this d process, you are and I have no idea why since you filed for divorce.

As for your email about why I am shoving you away and why I don't want to have a personal relationship with you, is there any wonder why I wouldn't want to be friends with you? You are continuously controlling & manipulative, what kind of person would willingly keep their kids away from their father? I don't think I've been going out of my way to deny you access to the kids, how would you feel if this was done to you.

I get to choose who I'm friends with and I have pretty high standards when it comes to the types of friends I have, I don't have any friends who have treated me as poorly as you have and that is why I don't want to have a "personal" relationship with you so please stop pushing that issue on me.

I advise you to contact your lawyer and let him know that you are purposely keeping the children away from me when I have asked repeatedly for shared custody and ask him if you have the legal right to do this, I think you will find out your answer soon enough.

The children will be with BOTH of us from now on, if you need me to work on a schedule that assists with your work shifts, so be it, I can be flexible but I won't tolerate continuing with literally no access to my children."



"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2076057
09/14/10 05:09 PM
09/14/10 05:09 PM
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"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2076140
09/14/10 06:34 PM
09/14/10 06:34 PM
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Originally Posted By: idontunderstand
...You will read that this is counter-intuitive. It should really be taken a step further; It will "feel" wrong when you are doing it right.

I still have some trouble with it myself and I've been here long enough to know better. Don't worry about her moods, if she's mad, cranky or whatever. It's hard to do, no doubt. However, you must ignore her sh!tty behavior while doing what you must do to grow and improve yourself.

Read all that you can and notice all of the situations share a lot of common threads, lack of communication is chief among them. She will make it all your fault. It's not. Look what it took for people to turn things around. Don't wait too long to do the hard work of letting her go. Letting go doesn't mean it's over, it means that you accept that your old M is over and it's time to move on to something else. Hopefully a new, better M where you both take responsibility for each of your parts in the M that drove you apart.

Again, read, learn and be prepared to do some really difficult things that seem the complete opposite of what you feel like you should be doing.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2076149
09/14/10 06:43 PM
09/14/10 06:43 PM
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Originally Posted By: GH3421
...I've done a 180 in my behavior towards her and my son. I realized that the way I was living my life was detrimental to me and the people I loved. I've apologized to my W for my behavior, shown remorse for my actions, and have begun work on myself to be a better person....I let her go and told her I would not stop her from leaving. Since then we've been talking a lot about us and her feelings towards me. I've been actively listening, validating her feelings, and respectfully disagreeing with her when I felt it was appropriate. She initiates all of these conversations. On Sunday night she told me that she's re-evaluating everything and that whatever I'm doing is having an effect on her. I told her that I'm here if she wants to stay, I will not stop her from going either, and that staying means no inappropriate contact outside of our M or I'll pack her bags for her....


"What is best for my kids is best for me"

Persevere = happily being patient over a long period of time
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Ready2Change] #2076187
09/14/10 07:24 PM
09/14/10 07:24 PM
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i hate to ask this question here but what is 'active listening'?

Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: DumpedforMIL] #2076207
09/14/10 07:56 PM
09/14/10 07:56 PM
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Quote:
i hate to ask this question here but what is 'active listening'?


It's when you really, really listen without trying to talk somebody out of their feelings.

For example, let's say you have a small child. Let's say your wife is out of town on business for a week.

You small child says, "I wish mommy were here with us".

If you aren't actively listening, you might say, "I know, but she can't be", and the child may get more aggitated.

What is your child really saying?

"I miss mom".

So if you said, "I know. I wish she were here too", you have understood, you have validated their feelings instead of trying to logically reason with them about how mom can't be there, and your child feels that you really heard them.

Active listening. What is it they are really saying? Are they trying to tell you how they feel?

Last edited by TimeHeals; 09/14/10 07:57 PM.

M-47,W-40,No kids
D-filed 5/27/2010
Piecing - 10/21/2010
-=Soon to be banned=-
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: TimeHeals] #2076214
09/14/10 08:07 PM
09/14/10 08:07 PM
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Greek Offline
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Active listening is a communication technique. Active listening requires the listener to understand, interpret, and evaluate what they hear. When interacting, people often are not listening attentively. They may be distracted, thinking about other things, or thinking about what they are going to say next (the latter case is particularly true in conflict situations or disagreements). Active listening is focusing attention on the speaker. Suspending ones own frame of reference and suspending judgment are important to fully attend to the speaker.

Greek


Me45 H46
T25 M22
S21 & 19
D13
Separated and filed 8/08
Moved home 11/08



Happily ever after is one day at a time.
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Greek] #2076218
09/14/10 08:14 PM
09/14/10 08:14 PM
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Coach Offline
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Originally Posted By: Greek
Active listening is a communication technique. Active listening requires the listener to understand, interpret, and evaluate what they hear. When interacting, people often are not listening attentively. They may be distracted, thinking about other things, or thinking about what they are going to say next (the latter case is particularly true in conflict situations or disagreements). Active listening is focusing attention on the speaker. Suspending ones own frame of reference and suspending judgment are important to fully attend to the speaker.

Greek



I'm sorry what did you say????????????? grin smirk laugh cool whistle


M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12
Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Re: Quotes Found on Divorce Busting (III) [Re: Coach] #2076220
09/14/10 08:16 PM
09/14/10 08:16 PM
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Greek Offline
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Originally Posted By: Coach
Originally Posted By: Greek
Active listening is a communication technique. Active listening requires the listener to understand, interpret, and evaluate what they hear. When interacting, people often are not listening attentively. They may be distracted, thinking about other things, or thinking about what they are going to say next (the latter case is particularly true in conflict situations or disagreements). Active listening is focusing attention on the speaker. Suspending ones own frame of reference and suspending judgment are important to fully attend to the speaker.

Greek



I'm sorry what did you say????????????? grin smirk laugh cool whistle


Ok, funny boy smirk
Greek


Me45 H46
T25 M22
S21 & 19
D13
Separated and filed 8/08
Moved home 11/08



Happily ever after is one day at a time.
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