hoosiermama? I AM!!

[kml]

Well, regardless, take the unemployment - this is what it's for.

AS for borrowing from your retirement - there are some tricks to this, but I can't remember what they are! I'd google around for more info.

Also - think creatively about ways to either increase your income or decrease your expenses. I highly recommend the book Tightwad Gazette by Dacyzyn.

You can't work AND collect unemployment, but perhaps you could get a room mate? Sell that unnecessary extra "stuff" on eBay?

[hoosiermama]

thanks, kml. no room for a roommate, really. selling stuff--already doing that. thinking about selling crafts on Etsy.com. got the whole Tightwad Gazette series!!

[hoosiermama]

my intuition is still good.

xH DID come back from his east coast jaunt engaged. no further info, and D14 isn't talking about it at all--but there's volumes in what she's not saying. she really needs to feel important to her father.

[Kalni]

Hope you feel.. indifferent about the engagement sweets...
xxx

I think kids need time to digest/adjust and then they open up.

[kat727]

At least this was the nice girlfriend. Hope she is smart and has a looonnnggg engagement. I can relate though. Ex is getting remarried next month.

hugs, kat

[hoosiermama]

thank you!

yes, I'm quite indifferent actually. I feel kinda sorry for her, but y'know, she's a therapist. she ought to be able to see the warning flags--although he's very good at putting a very positive face out there.

she's also independently wealthy; could explain why he's paid off a lot of bills lately (joint accounts, joint statements). now he can stop feeling inferior to his brothers in regard to money. they'll be quite...comfortable.

D14 didn't want either of us to remarry--but since xH really isn't capable of living independently (and is entitled to be taken care of) that wasn't realistic, and I've tried to prepare her.

[kat727]

Do you think she might be a good advocate for getting you the child support you deserve out of your ex? Not asking her but her realizing how unfair he has been.

I am sorry for your daughter that this isn't working out the way she had hoped. I think pretty much all kids of divorce at one time or another want their parents to get back together or at least not remarry so that is still an option.

hugs to you both, kat

[hoosiermama]

I'm sure that if she knew the whole story she'd be appalled; she seems like a decent person. she was all about thanking me for allowing her to be part of the "grace and healing" going on back in the spring. but she'll never get the whole story--and believe it, at least not any time soon.

[hoosiermama]

once again,on the horns of a dilemma.

this evening D14 sat down in tears and just vented--I knew that was coming. she and xH are fighting again--I knew that was coming too. she's amazingly articulate in talking about her feelings...but he shuts her down, interrupts, demeans, and argues. and she does a darn good job of using appropriate language, considering her age: "when you -----, I feel ----." and of all people, he should know you don't argue with that statement or criticize feelings. heck, D14 knows that and she doesn't have any credentials....so one of the things they've been fighting about is his trip with gf, and how he didn't bother to tell D how long he'd be gone until the morning he left, and how D feels she comes in second to gf ("well, to any girlfriend he has, obviously, but at least this one makes sure I get some time alone with Dad....") and she's seriously stressed--to the point of tears--about the lack of communication between xH and me. he prefers to communicate with me through her, and for 2 years I've been telling him that that's inappropriate for about a million reasons. and he tells her that he's given me information that he hasn't, and then gets angry because I don't read his mind...and D's in the middle. and he has told her I'm demanding too much information (and all I'm asking for is to know when she's coming and going, and that he's going to be out of town for >10 days!) here's last night's email exchange:

me: "D broke down tonite and had a chat with me; the way we communicate is stressing her out. she was very clear that she does not want to be the go-between and wants us to communicate directly, because she feels like it's too much pressure on her and not something she should be doing. these are her words, not mine, and she initiated the conversation as she was headed to bed--not in response to anything I said." (yeah, defensive...but necessary explanation)

xH: "Great, I agree D should not be in the middle."

that's all. how incredibly frustrating. I'm talking not just to a brick wall, but one with a mirror attached that throws back everything I say without absorbing a bit of it.

I've suggested to D that she talk with the counselor at school. there are undoubtedly things that she doesn't feel comfortable talking with me about (or burdening me with, knowing her), and maybe that will help. we had the talk, once again, about calling me to come and pick her up...and I broadened it to any situation--friends, parties, whatever--and made a covenant out of it. this isn't as icky as the whole situation with OW, but I know they fight whenever she's with her dad, and she may just need to get away from it...because he won't give her space. he follows her into her room even tho she closes the door, and gets in her face. same thing he did with me when he was angry, often backing me literally into a corner. and for all his jargon and credentials and education--he knows exactly what he's doing when he provokes and controls like this. I'd bet anything he wouldn't do it in front of gf, tho...so I'm hoping this moves along for D's sake.

and I returned the email (above) this afternoon with the question: "so, would you please let me know when you're picking her up this afternoon?"

no answer.

[kat727]

You could say " I gather from your lack of response, you are not picking her up. If I do not hear from you by x o'clock we will have made other plans".

That just might nip his crud in the bud.

kat