Looking for advice, WAW

[looking2keepmywf]

All,

I've recently discovered this website, and forum, and have been reading a lot of stuff - and it has helped. But, everyone's situation is different. I really look forward to advice from some of the really awesome people in this forum. Thank you in advance for reading, caring, and commenting.

I have ordered the DB book, and am anxiously awaiting it. I am especially interested in the part where it describes what I can do - even if my wife is not interested.

I married my best friend (w/benefits) back in April 2002. We now have a family of 5 consisting of my 2 step-daughers, 17 & 15, and our son, 6.

In looking back, my wife has probably hinted to me at various times that maybe something wasn't quite right - but never openly communicated to me that something was up. We are both well educated, on our second marriages, and have always had a close friendship - well before we became intimate, married, etc.

Over the past several months, we have drifted apart. She started sleeping in a different bedroom - mainly because of my snoring. I wrote it off as, well I need to lose some weight, and maybe see a doctor about it. Basically, I am healthy, but slightly overweight, and that's what the Doc said.

On Monday, 8/23, my wife went to a baseball game with her Mom, and didn't come home that night. This was my true 'wake up call'. I was worried sick about her - that something may have happened. Then, she showed up to work the next day with no explanation, and no communication. I had called, e-mailed, texted her several times that night, but I got no response. When I confronted her at work - she basically told me that she doesn't care about us anymore, knew I would be mad, but really didn't seem sorry in the least bit.

After traveling for work, and one personal trip over the weekend for my brother's birthday party, I finally had a chance to talk to her about us in general. She told me that she has been unhappy for awhile (~ a year, maybe more), and that I had several opportunities to fix things, and that she didn't love me anymore. She said that she's trying to figure things out, she recognizes that we have one kid headed to college next year, another in high school, and our first grader. She also told me that it wasn't necessarily anything that I had done, but that she didn't want to be married, and we both should have listened to our 'gut' when we were friends and had both said that we were apprehensive about getting married.

Since this time, I have done just about everything wrong (as I have learned). I went through the gamut of emotions ranging from feeling sorry for myself and crying my eyes out, to feeling anger at 'why me', to screw her!

As far as another man involved - I am not completely sure. I know she has guy friends that she has met from work, and I know that she has had many text exchanges with one in particular. I know the guy, and I really don't think anything is happening - yet - but it really doesn't matter.

I started by telling her everything that a guy would tell his wife when he doesn't want to lose her. I stil love you, I will do anything to save the marriage, etc. Verbally communicated that, e-mails, texts, the whole thing.

She also has indicated that she feels like she has no space living here at home with me, my son, and our girls (we have split custody with her ex - so one week with us, one week with him. She said she doesn't want to me 'Mom' anymore, my wife anymore, and that she really wants to not be married and be on her own.

Having said that, she still treats our kids the same - the same loving Mom that she always has been. She probably has had lots of practice since she's been divorced from her ex for about 14 years now.

Her interaction with me can best described as minimal, and only when there is something that concerns our kids. I've been to baseball games with her (which we have always done over the past many years - and enjoyed together), and it's so not the same. I went with her, her friend, and our younger daughter recently, and she left the 3 of us for almost 2 hours, because she couldn't deal with me - it was too uncomfortable. I went to another game with her tonight, and she was more comfortable high-fiving some young guy next to her -than me.

I came home so pissed off, but also feeling somewhat liberated - thinking that we are so done, and I am going to tell her that I agree with her - she needs her space, and that she was right. Her current job is more of a fun job - and not one that pays well, or is what her career has been. I have been the primary bread winner since before my son was born. She knows that she needs to get a 'real' job, and genuinely is trying to find one - or at least that's what she tells me - and I honestly believe her.

Obviously, I am on here because I want to save my marriage. But, at this point, I am not convinced that it is possible. My wife is very passionate about everything she does. She has never met a challenge that she shied away from. And, once she makes up her mind, it is very unlikely that she would ever change her mind. So different from me - I am the mellow one, the go with the flow guy, the unless she hits me in the head with the 2 x 4 - thinks everything is fine. I guess a typical guy from what I read here.

So, obviously, there are kids involved here - which complicates things. But, I am pretty much ready to have the heart to heart with her and tell her that I am ready to give her her freedom. 2 things complicate this: 1) she still is living here with me in our house, and 2) she doesn't yet have a 'real' job to support herself. She works for the baseball team in retail and really wants to wait until the season is over - which will be later this month - or at the end of October at the latest.

What I am thinking about saying to her is that she can have until the end of the year - or until she finds a job - and that she is free to go out on her own and get her own place to live.

I have not spoken to a lawyer (yet), and she specifically asked me if I had. I am not overly concerned about our finances - even though she spends money like it's out government (sorry for the political reference here). The money doesn't bother me that much. I have a great job, and can always earn money. What I care about is the impact our separation will have on the kids.

I KNOW that I need to set her free, and honestly, I'd love to believe that she would come back to me eventually after the novelty of being free wears off. But, she is such the type that once her mind is made up - that I'm really not sure.

When I talked to her about what was going on - I told her that I thought we owed it to our kids & family to go to counseling. Her reaction was - that's like we are trying to make it work - and I just don't think it's possible any more.

I hope that I haven't bored you out of your mind with all of my ramblings and trivial detail here.

Please help me by providing your excellent inputs. I have seen many of your postings, and comments, and genuinely look forward to hearing your comments to me about my situation.

Thank you in advance again for being there.

[looking2keepmywf]

Sorry, even after all my ramblings, I failed to mention the whole wedding ring thing. I noticed that for the past few weeks - she has not worn her wedding rings at all. She even 'unfriended' me on Facebook, and listed herself as not married.

This may have been in response to a text that I sent to her a few days after her night of not coming home - when I said that I knew who she was with and I wasn't happy that she lied to me about it.

Since then, she changed the password on her (and the kids) phone account - so I cannot see who she texts now - and also one of her credit card accounts.

I know that was a stupid move on my part - but you live and learn, I guess.

I still have access to some of her personal information, and have checked up on her to see what I can find. But, TBH, lately I haven't really cared that much. If she wants to do whatever - without me - than what does it matter.

[jammed]

looking2keep -
Glad you found the site, but am sorry that you are here. I am in no position to be of any real help as I am in a very similar position myself, but wanted to say that I feel for you. There are a people on here who can and will help you.

[40andsadintexas]

I will bet money she is involved with someone.
Search for puppy's post and follow one of his two plans to start.

[40andsadintexas]

She never changes her mind? I thought she took vowels for better for worse till death, so it now looks like she can change her mind. They change there mind 20 times a day never believe what they say and little of what you see

[CT Yank]

Looking,

Sorry you are here but its a good place to be in your sitch. I dont post much, but just wanted to say yor W sounds very much like mine. Some of the things you posted are pretty clear signs there is a OM involved. Password changes, no desire to do MC, and the old "I dont want to be a wife or mom anymore". Search for puppys posts on busting the A or letting them go. If you really dont care anymore (something tells me you do or you wouldnt be here) then letting go is your only option.

If not, then as painful as it might be you need to find the truth about OM and go from there. If you have read alot of the sitch's here you learn the WAW "script". Its amazing how we are all different but yet the WAW script remains the same. If you can search for posts by puppy dog tails, robx, gucci loafer, coach, greek, sandi2. IMO they will help you the most.

Best of luck to you..

[TimeHeals]

I thought she took vowels for better for worse till death,

I'd like to buy a vowel. Is there an 'E'?

Yes, there are one, two, three 'Es'. Would you like to spin again, or would you like to solve the puzzle?

[Grocerykartman]

Looking,

You HAVE to let her be free. You cannot go through this for months and months on end and keep hoping in the back of your mind that something will right itself, or that your mental health should take a backseat to your fears about what will happen to the kids. Of course, you are nervous about the unknown, I certainly was. But if your relationship with all of the kids is strong and always has been, you will get through setting your WAW free and they will get through it too. That was my biggest fear, and I have not yet found that my fears have been realized with my daughter. My relationship with my daughter is as strong as ever.

But as far as your W goes, take the initiative to set her free and consult with your lawyer as soon as possible. Like tomorrow, 9 AM. I reccomend you figure out a way to get 50/50 custody of your 6 year old. If you try to fight for full custody of him, you are not being fair to him, you, or your wife. Try to set that tone so that she doesn't attempt to fight for sole custody of him. Not really much you can do with the stepdaughters I wouldn't think, just let them know you'll always be there for them and make the most of all the time you do spend together. Figure out how to protect all of your assets and also plan it so that YOU stay in your home, but don't leave your W completely scared to be out on her own either. Make some conciliatory agreement just so that she's not wondering how to pay for her next meals. It's not like you are rewarding bad behavior, it's just propping her up a little so that she can take care of your son with some level of comfort when she has him.

Why did I just talk about all this legal stuff? I am not pro-divorce here and neither is the site. But in doing those things, you show her that YOU are not going to keep chasing her down this road forever. And it is not about getting in her head, nor is it about waiting for the novelty of her newfound freedom to wear off. It's all about YOU and keeping you sane.

As a metaphor, it's like you both lived in a certain city for a long time that was starting to get run down but, was still at least livable for you though much less so for her. In response, instead of working together with you to find new kinds of joy in that city, or moving to a different city WITH you, she has instead chosen to take a highway toward a different city you know you don't ever want to live in. Think of the most god-forsaken place you've ever been and that's where she's headed. But you have been following her there, especially because you are worried about the effects on your son. Unfortunately, that is actually putting your son on the same chase that you are, and you are ignoring your own mental health. You're not going to be able to be there for him (or your stepdaughters) because you'll always be consumed by the distraction of this chase. [Case in point, you now have to take time out of your life to post on this site instead of doing something with your son, or using the time to clear other things out of the way so you have more time to do things with your son.]

So you need to turn around right now and go back to a city that makes YOU happy, because that will in the long run put you in the best position to have the proper candor and self-respect and positive attitude you need to have to raise your son. You have to stand your ground and stop following onto hers, she is going nowhere that you or you son will ultimately benefit from. By going to the attorney and planning to set her free, you at least are doing what you can to regain control of your future without her. Don't wait any longer. It is not at all farfetched she's at least looked into the matter with an attorney on her own...she may have just not told you about it. You don't want to be blinsided by having to respond her divorce papers...you need to work together to draft dissolution papers and make it a cooperative process. You tell her, look, I'm tired of this, this isn't obviously working for me or you. I'm going to get the ball rolling with a dissolution. Don't take any more of her garbage.

Keep in mind, if she really wants to change things, she will. Anything less than full excitement and sincerity from her is unacceptable though, and that includes full transparency about the past and present (none of this hiding cell phone bill garbage, she needs to admit to whomever she might have been with, etc.).

But I wouldn't hold my breath on that, sorry to say. She has shown you she wants out, and probably can't beleive you have followed her to that god-forsaken city, even in the name of your kids. Let her go, and call her bluff. Do it with the mindset this is best for both of you, and that will inturn be best for your son and stepdaughters. Shown him a dad he can be proud of, not a dad who is like the coyote chasing the roadrunner.

I also reccommend posts by robx, in a case like yours. You have to keep your dignity with this. Easier said than done, I know, I made all the typical mistakes myself and ended up divorced. But I CAN wake up every morning now and look myself in the mirror and live with myself...I could not do that when I was going down the highway to the forsaken city.

I wish you well.

M-30
W-28
D-3
Found OM's presence 4/09
Separated 12/09
Divorced 8/10

[looking2keepmywf]

I have read some of the posts by the folks you've mentioned before - and many of them give me great hope and inspiration. The people you have mentioned: puppy dog tails, robx, gucci loafer, coach, greek, sandi2 - all have been great.

I am not likely to throw the OM issue at her and am more likely to set her free. To me that seems like it would give me the best shot at 1)me coming to grips with the whole sitch, and 2)giving her what she wants.

I have not talked to a lawyer yet. I've thought about it several times, but haven't yet. In fact my W asked me specifically if I had because somebody called our house, and she must have looked it up and found it was a lawyer. Likely a wrong number. But, she did seem pretty pissed off about it, and told me that she could really make things ugly 'if I was a jerk about it - like her ex.' He told her to take some time to think about it and spend time with her friend. When she was gone, he filed and charged that she abanadoned the kids, etc. It was a messy divorce. I would never do that to her, us, or the family.

What I am struggling with is how to set her free. Is it by getting a lawyer involved? By filing? It's so counter intuitive as it seems that I am making it worse and pushing her away. I don't consider myself a wimp, but more of an intellectual that is caring and not overly demanding. Am I being unrealistic about this?

I need to better understand that whole thing about being her friend. I've always been good friends with her (until recently by her choice). Maybe that comes later, I don't know. But is seems to me that if I ever will have her back like before that is the way it will happen.

[40andsadintexas]

I thought she took vowels for better for worse till death,

I'd like to buy a vowel. Is there an 'E'?

Yes, there are one, two, three 'Es'. Would you like to spin again, or would you like to solve the puzzle?

LOL dang iPhone spell checker