It's very frustrating when you are in a mindset to go to court, you get there and the matter is not completed. Honestly, it's a very common tactic used by less than stellar attnys to simply grate you down to cave to their demands.
With all this legal stuff going on I would refrain from any conversations with your H at this time. The lines are much too blurred between legal manipulation and emotional manipulation.
My H did the same thing and now he is doing it again. I am not saying your H doesn't feel *something* but right now things are too messy to rectify anything. I do agree with the others, a firm boundary must be set. The thing is... you can't just set the boundary you have to stick to the boundary.
As you know, my H rammed a divorce down my throat for 2 years in such an aggressive way it was abusive. When that didn't pan out due to his ongoing affair we became legally separated. In 8 weeks I can file for the divorce and when I let him know I would be doing so (this was required as per our Agreement and I did so in a very business like way - I sent him a two line note via certified mail) he did not like that.
In fact - he is going to EXTREME measures to make sure this divorce doesn't happen at this time. In the past few weeks he left his very, very lucrative position to take another position at his company that will have him traveling Tues - Friday of each week. He told me a few days ago he did this for "us". Considering there is no "us" and we have not been together since March of 2008 it seemed odd. Even more curious, while our marriage was stable he was offered this same position twice before and declined each time as he didn't want to be away from me for so long, so often. I guess he feels okay about being away from OW though who he lives with.
He now doesn't understand why I am "adamant" about a divorce (mind you, I have not seen my H in 10 months, not spoken to him on the phone in 6 months). Why can't we talk through our problems? Why can't we get to know each other again? Why do we have to walk down the divorce road again? NOW he wants to know all of this?!
My boundary has remained the same and I will not waiver on my stance. I don't talk/date/get to know men that have live in lovers even if the man happens to be my husband.
My H has essentially walked away from a position that will continue to make him a very wealthy man to once again RUN from his life.
I tell you all of this to illustrate to you the importance of setting boundaries with WAS's that will manipulate you until the day they die if you allow it. It took me way too long to set solid and enforceable boundaries and it only prolonged my suffering to a point of becoming ill.
My H told me up and down (near court, in court, out of court) how sad he was and how hard it was and blah blah blah. Once those papers were signed and executed I never heard from him again until he told me he was moving in with OW.
Your H very well might be having second thoughts or maybe he is just following a plan set forth by his attny. Let him sort all of that out and keep your boundary in place.
Don't be posting in 3 yrs. from now this BS is still going on. I could be in a MUCH different position had I set boundaries that were healthy, firm and enforceable a long time ago.
On one of the other forums I read something that kind of put in perspective how it is when you are with the WAS. It's like being with an Alzheimers patient. They look just like the person you married. But that person is long gone, replaced by someone you don't know and who doesn't remember those times.
I didn't put it in those terms to D11. I'm not even sure how it came up. She was asking questions and I told her "I still love the STBXW I married. I don't really know the person she is now."
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
I didn't put it in those terms to D11. I'm not even sure how it came up. She was asking questions and I told her "I still love the STBXW I married. I don't really know the person she is now."
CTH, don't do that to your kids! Say "part of me will always love mommy, she gave me you!" That's all you need to say, you don't need to give the impression that there is something wrong with STBX although there very well might be! Be careful, the kids love both of you and that's for the best.
Wow Sol... Big day! Sorry that the process didn't move forward for you. Limbo sucks... I feel for you. Look on the bright side... You survived it and from the sounds of it with a lot of courage and grace. Congratulations! Now, since you've already done it, you know how strong you are and you know you can handle it!
Let him be pissed! he's acting like a two year old who doesn't get what he wants! Sounds to me like you're in a great place today and I say ride it all the way. You do deserve better and I'm happy to hear you say those things about yourself!
progress is progress! You're doing great!
When you are happy as an individual, you are in a better position to determine whether a partner enhances your happy life or weighs it down.
Happy weekend, all. I am writing a very quick fly-by posting.
H calls me this morning saying how he felt so weird at court yesterrday, how he thinks about calling everything off, how he's blah blah blah and I took the BOUNDARY advice from this:
Originally Posted By: whatisis
I'm not OT but I'll give it try! How about "I'm sorry you are feeling badly, this has been hard on both of us. But I think it would be best if you discussed how you're feeling with someone else"...and then say "someone who friggin' cares!"...just kidding!
and said: I know that we both care about eachother but if you are not calling me to talk about working on our M or reconciliation, I find it very inappropriate for you to be calling me.
He said "well i am sorry for calling you" and etc and I seaid I appreciate his phone calls but I needed him to hear me out.
He also said maybe it's best we D and then work on our R and then move in together and then later in 1-2 years get M'ed again. I told him that is absurd, we are like water & oil. I want to be M and he doesn't. I told him I will not be his live-in lover girl, that it doesn't work for me. He also asked me if I was seeing someone! WTH! I told him I do not want to be with a man who doesn't want to be with me and doesn't want to commit to me. H
We talked some more & then I ended the convo, saying I had to go.
The book says: You can't believe anything they say and only half of what they do. That is a very true statement!
Good for you for saying that to your H. Next time though I'd be less "open" about the reconciliation option at this point, door's unlocked but not wide open: "Talk is cheap. Unless you start acting on what you say I'm not interested in having these conversations. As for the D I'm sorry but the D seals the deal for me...there's no "us" after the D. It's a matter of pricinpal and integrity."
See I really believe he is a manipulative person. He knows you have feelings for him and that given the option you'll take him back. This gives him WAY too much power and control. He needs to see that the reconciliation option is getting smaller and smaller and you can't be manipulated. He's way too comfortable. In my opinion, as I've said before, he's stringing you along to make you go easy on him during the D. NO WAY!! If he wants the D then you'll give it to him but you'll do it YOUR way- not his. You'll fight back. So HE needs to feel that after the D it's over (even if it's not) so there's no reason to talk about "the future" anymore unless he starts by calling the D off.
Sol, unless you take a hard stance and set clear boundaries he's going to retain his god complex. He drove the process until now...but now you will take charge. See because you didn't sign the house over and you walked up to the judge he knows he's losing his power of manipulation over you that's why he's calling and 'communicating' with you all of a sudden.
My 2 cents.
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
You don't get to share your emotional stuff/R talk with him if he doesn't get to do the same with you. Stop the R talk. Stop the personal talk. Stop the emotional talk.
Why in the world do you appreciate his calls? I don't think you do. Don't lie to him or yourself about this.
"It is inappropriate for me to be your emotional support while we are getting D or vice versa. That really doesn't work for me. We aren't working on an R together -- there isn't an R for us to work on right now, so for now I need to keep things strictly business."
He also said maybe it's best we D and then work on our R and then move in together and then later in 1-2 years get M'ed again.
OMG Sol... My H said this to me a few months ago. "We can always just get married again." WTF? No way jose!! Right now, I don't see how that's possible!!
However, my C says that lots of couples do it. Get remarried again. I don't know if I could ever do that. Betrayal... Abandonment... I guess it might depend on the sitch... I'm proud of you for standing your ground. You're coming along nicely. Good for you!
When you are happy as an individual, you are in a better position to determine whether a partner enhances your happy life or weighs it down.
I'll throw the other side out there. My STBXW keeps telling our girls we'll always be just friends and from every thing I see she has zero feelings for me. That hurts as well.
I don't if that's worse than having someone who at least cares, but not enough to save things.
A great book to read is "I Do Again." It's about a couple that remarried seven years after the D.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
