A new beginning to an end

[ImprovedRomeo]

Sol, I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you. I hope things go well in court today.

Let us know.

(((hugs)))

[soleil]

Hello DBers.

Thanks for all of your advice & hugs.

I never did text or call H.

Went to court this morning *looked pretty nice, I might say* and H was there with his L. I smiled and said hi. Waited for my L. In the courtroom everyone stood up to say how long their case would take. They were all 1-2 minutes (about 10 cases) and then H's L stood up and said ours would take 30. From that point, my L and I stepped out of courtroom to discuss our case/strategy and 2 minutes later, H appears with his L who advised us the judge will not hear our case today and has ordered it be heard on a different day. WTH. My L tells him this is incredible since they are the ones who filed the motion and for the D. H's L is very rude, btw. My L said something to him and he asked him if he was talking to him. Seriously. So our Ls went together to get a new court date and H was standing there and wouldn't look at me and had a very angry look on his face. I know that face so well. H's L keeps saying how this could all end if I just sign the house over to him. My L said it could all end if we reached a settlement.

My L said he thinks maybe when we walked out H's L said something to the judge and/or wasn't prepared and/or didn't think I'd show up and call his bluff and/or knew he would lose case (H wants me to pay half of the mortgage when he has a significantly higher income).

I was so nervous walking in there and my heart was palpitating really fast and my knees felt locked and I walked out of there wishing I were D'ed.

Funny that.

So ... no court til November now.

[oldtimer]

(((Sol))) That is so hard, ugh.

Please really try to take care of yourself through this. It isn't OK for H to jerk you around emotionally. I have no doubt that he is sincere about his pain and regret. BUT he doesn't get to rely on you for support. Those are his problems to work out in his own life. Right now, there is no R for the two of you to work out that makes resolving his feelings in the context of that R part of your job. If he shows through actions that he is seeking that kind of R with you, at that point it is up to you to consider whether or not you are interested. But no matter what happens, your job is always to protect yourself, own your choices, don't be a victim. Set some boundaries. Take good care.

[soleil]

Yeah I am getting to the point where I'm like, WTF am I holding onto? I loooooooooove this man and loved him with all my heart but the dynamic has changed for me. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me.

If he contacts me I will tell him I feel it's really inappropriate after all this BS. He wanted his greencard, he got it. He wanted to divorce, he's getting it. He wanted out of MC, he cancelled it. He wants the house, he'll probably get it, he wanted to move his family in w/ us and never give me a dime for the extra costs, he did it. I prayed a lot for him all this week. I have no idea why (lol) but I did. Maybe he is with the blow job girl. I don't care anymore. She can have him. He is dead to me in a way. It's sad but I realize WE, as in our M, is dead and prob has been for awhile now and I've been grasping at silly straws that aren't strong enough to hold onto so I am letting go and freefalling down a big cliff of ... Idontknowwhatthefutureholds. And I'm ok with that.

I only wish him well in the future. And I do mean that. He told me I cannot give him what he needs so I hope he finds whatever that thing is. I know it's not me.

Adieu, amor.

[oldtimer]

Cut all the R blame/attack talk. The R is over, there is nothing to work on right now.

Just set a boundary. Then, stick with it.

[whatisis]

"Sol, I feel pissed just knowing that you have to listen to this crap from him! He ends the M, despite your wishes, and now you're supposed to feel sorry for him because he'll "never be happy again" blah blah blah...OMG, I wanna puke!"

Wii, I'm used to hearing this from relative newbies, but surprised to hear it from you.

Where is there room for compassion or understanding?

OT, I just get upset when WAS's use the LBS without regards to their feelings. I have no doubt that they too have feelings about the end of the M, I know my wife did when we separated but she didn't expect me to take care of her! She dealt with it in her own way and let me deal with my grief. That's just utter selfishness to do otherwise. And yes, I do have compassion for them. They had their dreams destroyed too. They had visions of how a life with someone would be and it didn't turn out that way. That is a loss. I know in my case, my W refused to go for counselling and she'd already decided that their was no hope for us. I sometimes think how hard it must have been to live year after year intimately with someone you don't love and don't think you could ever love again. She had her pain which was as real as mine.
Btw, the $2 comment is familiar but I can't place it, no prize for me!
Sol, sorry for the postponement. It's a tough go when you are prepared for the end and it doesn't come and then you have to prepare all over again. Hang in there!

[soleil]

^ It is very commendable that she let you deal with it on her own. And the postponement DOES royally suck.

Cut all the R blame/attack talk. The R is over, there is nothing to work on right now.

Just set a boundary. Then, stick with it.

OT, can you suggest a boundary for me?

[whatisis]

I'm not OT but I'll give it try! How about "I'm sorry you are feeling badly, this has been hard on both of us. But I think it would be best if you discussed how you're feeling with someone else"...and then say "someone who friggin' cares!"...just kidding!

[soleil]

^ LOL. I like that response. At this point I am not going to call/text him at all. If he does contact me again, I will say something along those lines.

[ImprovedRomeo]

Sol, first off you deserve a big pat on your back for being so courageous to walk into that court room and standing your ground. I know the feeling and it's not easy; you feel like a criminal, you feel like you don't belong there. So that's a HUGE first step towards you finding your ground to stand on. I didn't want to say anything about it prior so as to not freak you out but you did it and I'm impressed

Of course your H was pissed, he thought he had you in his back pocket. He thought you'd cave first to his threats and then to his emotional BS. You showed him you're not some naiive girl that he can keep taking advantage of. I had a feeling they'd back out at the last minute...they wanted to play chicken and see who lets up first. You didn't...he did. A small but important victory for you!

I know you have feelings for him, I did too (for STBXW not your H )- some of us process things slowly and that's fine. But I think you're getting to that point of realizing all the damage he's caused when you've done nothing to deserve this. You're one of the sweetest people on here and it makes me upset he takes advantage of that. Well no more. You'll be fine and your future holds lots...just be patient. Get through the D, concentrate on school and your health. Things will fall into place when you least expect them.