Hi Aver! Just checking in on you, hope all is going well.
I know the trepidation about the mail, I still get it when I see an envelope from my L. Then I remember, it's my monthly bill. Unless it's thick, then I start to get unnerved.
Same thing with email from L, and H. Although those are extremely rare. The past 2 weeks I've been following up dutifully w my L, b/c we've sent our reply to the last "nastygram" from H's L.
I've agreed to his wanting to pay only $500 more than $1500 on the cr. card debt. Tired of this.
And, he gets to pay me less than stated before of his 401K to equalize it -- so much time has passed that I have more $ in my 401K now!! But for the past 2 weeks, I follow up w L. And she hasn't heard anything.
This paying 1/2 the mortgage & also (low) rent to my brother is getting expensive!
Sorry to post my personal update on your thread. I really want to hear how you're doing. I am fine. Waiting for the other she to drop.
Sending you (((hugs)))), and lots of good thoughts. Have a great weekend. (((()))))
Last edited by LookingFrAnswers; 09/10/1003:19 PM.
No worries updating yourself on my thread. I have been thinking and thinking about you, and everyone else, these past few weeks, just no time to post.
All is reasonably well. Still shock waves, still tears, etc.
Just now saying to myself:
can I say: gee, Aver, you have had a f**k of a year. You basically weren't sober or very sane for a year. So, if now, you are finding yourself having strange emotional reactions to things; or re-settling your body (I pretty much forced myself to eat for a year--now I'm hungry all the time!), even missing the constant anxiety a bit--because that gave me huge energy to leap out of bed every day--now I have to drag myself out of bed; rebuild relationships that were strained, or more intimate than usual...if all these things are true, then it is OKAY for you to take time, have COMPASSION for yourself (as my therapist says)and re-make your life.
Really, it is like being a different person. Coming out of the coma and trying to pick up where you left off.
So--that's where I am at. Trying to work on Mindfulness; Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy stuff; shake off the fog of the past year; wake up to my new self.
Yikes.
LFA--keep those updates coming. I hope your whole D will be DONE SOOONNN!! Then maybe you have time to come be in the alt with your new computer, and we can catch up on our newly-developing lives.
...it is OKAY for you to take time, have COMPASSION for yourself (as my therapist says)and re-make your life.
Really, it is like being a different person. Coming out of the coma and trying to pick up where you left off.
So--that's where I am at. Trying to work on Mindfulness; Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy stuff; shake off the fog of the past year; wake up to my new self.
Amen. Amen. Amen.
And "reasonably well," ain't bad sometimes.
Late response, aver, but I've been off the boards a couple of weeks myself.
Peace,
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
I have been wanting and wanting to post, but just no time.
Which in itself is telling--last year this time, I did little BUT post and read and weep, etc.
So I must be spending my time on other things: work; community theatre (Wind in The Willows! Opened Thursday! Adorable!)
I wanted to post that I found out that
a) the Happy Couple eloped to Montreal for their Wedding.
I knew X would choose October for their wedding, as that was our anniversary month.
b) the Happy Couple is Expecting a Little Bundle of Joy.
Now, that knocked me back quite a few steps! Had to get the doc to prescribe some anti-a, which I haven't needed in a while.
I did say, back when this whole thing went down, that I would "laugh my a$$ off" when She "caught" pregnant. I knew that X's and mine, and our friends, chosen childlessness is the minority opinion--most people want children.
So I thought that X would have to deal with Her wanting kids sooner or later.
I never imagined Sooner!
X is the sort of guy who would not start a project unless he knew EXACTLY how each step would work out. He wouldn't start replacing the cornice molding on the peak of the house cause he couldn't figure out how we would reach the highest peak for the last nail.
And, so, to start a family BEFORE their house was even closed on? (Baby due March, so Happy Event in July; moved into their house in August)
I'm dying to know if this was a "Surpriiisee!!" on Her part, or a "I love you so much, I want you to have my children".
My friends and therapist tell me to let that go. It's not my business, it's not my problem.
I'm trying.
Mostly torturing myself with X LOVES her SO much he either is willing to have a baby to make her happy, or way too weird--suddenly WANTS children.
The very first question I asked him, after he said "I'm leaving you" was "do you want children?"
I guess I was floundering for a reason deep enough for him to do such a thing.
He said "no." But of course, at that time, they had only been together 3 months, so he didn't know yet, perhaps, that she felt her clock ticking.
AAHHH!! you see how much space in my head this is taking up? I'm at work, way behind, and this is what I am worrying about.
The good thing about this is that it does more and more to pull him out of our circle of friends.
The bad thing--I guess what hit me on the deepest, unconscious level--is there is no going back.
I didn't think I was thinking or hoping that in any way. But I guess the LBS always has the fantasy of: He'll be sorry! He'll ask my forgiveness one day!
And so this is the final final nail in the coffin. Even if he crawled back, and I were interested (not gonna happen, I know I know) there is no way it could work because he would always be tied to her through the kid.
So I guess my heart/mind/stomach/soul just felt that final click, and the sorrow and grief came back to the top.
I know many of you here have dealt with this. I appreciate any words of support.
Rocked--I want you to know I have been reading along but just unable to get to post. I will be able to catch up now that the show has opened.
LFA--Still thinking about you! I want to know if your darn D is finally final!
I'm sorry that you're feeling what you are...I know it's painful. It's hard to find words to comfort someone when they're experiencing this kind of pain. I can offer this...it's been offered to me...
"Retain absolute faith that you can and will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties, AND confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they may be." - The Stockdale Principle
You have to be realistic about your current situation and yet, stay optimistic about the future. Stockdale says he never lost faith in the end of the story…he never doubted not only that he would get out (he was a prisoner of war), but also that he would prevail in the end and turn the experience into the defining event of his life.
I feel for ya'. Many of us here have felt the pain that you feel. It hurts like a b!tch. There's nothing to do, except take the pain...and keep going.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Oh Aver! (((((Hugs)))))) I too have been wanting & wanting to post, but no time! We remain twins! Part of it being busy, and part of it just processing, maybe taking baby steps away from the board. But I always intend to come back! I feel like I owe so many on here for their support, plus, I still need you, & everyone!
Aver, I can't improve on what Antlers posted. He is right, and as painful as this must be you know you are stronger than this situation. You deserve so much better than it. You know this, the fact is you don't know what is going w X & OW. (yes I'll still call her that!) You don't know, maybe he's happy, maybe he's not. Not your problem! You have every right to grieve, again. And I am so sorry you have to go through more pain. I believe if you decided that you did want kids (not that you do/will), you can still make that choice for yourself.
I can tell you are so much further along, even w this latest development, by your upbeat opening. You are doing stuff you love. I wish for you that you could not know/hear/think about your X for a long time. Say 6-12 months. Easier said than done, possibly. For me, since that was H's choice that we stop speaking/communicating (I have not seen or spoken to him in person since Nov. 09! Almost 1 year!) He is pretty much a stranger. It's easier & it's harder. It sure makes things final though.
No going back, for me either. Let's go forward. It's better for us there. Take comfort in your frineds & lean on your C, and do those things that help you. You have to grieve, but at some point, try thought stopping or those exercises to force your mind to think of other things. I think RW had some good posts on those techniques a while back. You are going to come out of this final stage of pain, you will & you will heal
I am with you, and I know other friends on here are too. I'll update you (no D yet! But S agrment is signed) soon, promise. Have to stop these crazy 10 - 12 hr. work days. Thinking of you & sending lots of support & healing thoughts. ((((((Aver)))))))
Hey Aver and LFA ... I was thinking of both of you and wondering how you were doing. Thanks for the updates.
(((HUGS))) to you both. The ongoing journey... dealing with more when you think you've reached your limit... it sucks. Yet, look how strong we have found out we are?
Think about how much you have changed and grown and what a much better place you are in than when you first posted here. I know I am amazed at the change in myself.
I am doing the best I can with thought-stopping. Being in the present moment. "there is nothing but walking down this hallway right now" etc.
I have a bunch of new friends, (thru running) that are parents. And these new parents--they LIKE their kids! Not like my generation. (miserable childhood, but whatever) So they talk happily about soccer, or music lessons, whatever.
And I am stunned and whacked over and over again...did X WANT this all those years? or hahahahha--have fun with that soccer crap, you loser! or --She is so full of life, so vibrant, so life-giving compared to negative old Aver...I so want her to have my children!
Etc.
Yes, Antler, I know I will make it through. Too late to kill myself now. I have fun most days. Some days I cry. Etc.
Well, not doing too well. Crying jags. Have to keep the crying towel in the car again. Withdrawn, sorrowful.
I keep in touch with X's mom, mostly for intel, but also a bit just to keep in touch with someone I knew for 20 years.
Now, I know the email convo's with her aren't good for me. She has her own, shall we say, issues, and in general isn't very tactful, shall we say.
But I'm glad she told me about the Blessed Event.
I dug for more info; I had to. The unfurling of the Happy Event seems to be:
Wife-to-be announces (when mom-in-law-to-be was visiting last spring) that She wants a Baby! Mom is a bit stunned, as X always very clear about not wanting kids.
Mom says that X said later, that "he was OK with it" Seems like She caught sooner than they expected.
So, it was sort of the middle ground between: Surprise! I'm pregnant! And "I love you so much, please have my children." More of "if that's what the Love of My Life wants, fine."
So--we go from 20 years of DINK, life in a small tight community, cats, to...LAND ROVER..HOUSEWIFE (yes, he's supporting her) house in the SNOOTIEST part of VT (sort of like Scarsdale or Westchester County in NY, and... A DOG!!
Now, nothing against dogs, but X and I were always pretty clear that they are annoying, etc, require so much care, etc.
Mom says that the dog came with Wife, so it wasn't like they picked out the Golden Retriever Puppy together.
Next thing you know, he'll be voting Republican!! (apologies to any Republicans out there)
I have a date with my most supportive buddy on Saturday. I need it. I know I need to let go; minimize contact with Mom; focus on my life, not Theirs.
But criminy, this hurts SO much. I can't believe how much this hurts. Why?
I keep seeing it as a reflection on our life together. Like, he was happy drinking skim milk all his life, seemed good enough, pretty happy, but THEN--WOW!!! Whole Milk!! Who knew life could be this good? So fulfilling! So satisfying! What a waste those 20 years were!
I'm just knocked back several steps.
In 18 months this man: met a woman. Had an affair. Moved out. Moved in with her. Bought a new house. Got pregnant. Got married. Changed jobs (within his company)
He met her, and was just DONE with me. CityGirl said it: when the WAS says he's "done" he means it. No prevarication, no hesitation, total clarity of vision to move on.
Pretty busy year, wouldn't you say?
I just keep adding up all the Life Stresses Points this year adds up to for him, and hoping he drops dead of a heart attack.
OK-I mostly wanted to share how much pain I am in. I'm trying not to lean too hard on my RL friends. But they are there for me.
time time time. All in good time.
Be well, all my friends! Enjoy this beautiful fall!
Aver
Me: 44 Him: 42 Together: 23 years; never married Bomb: August 1, 2009 Affair since May 2009 Walk away; no conversation; no process
