It depends on whether you want to show him that there is a way for him to come back or not. Since you are quite obviously not done, and he is trying to get something from you with these texts, why not show him the door isn't locked, but leave it up to him whether or not to open it and walk back through...
Sol - I'm not sure what to tell you. On one hand I am suspicious of your H. My H did the same thing before court.
In fact, now that our proceedings are about to start again my H is doing it to me again. I kid you not, he e-mailed me y'day and asked why I am adamant about getting a divorce? I mean.. other than the fact his affair is going on year THREE and they live together... who wouldn't want a husband like that? LOL!
You don't have to respond to him right now - as in this minute. Step back for an hour or two.
why not show him the door isn't locked, but leave it up to him whether or not to open it and walk back through...
How? With what words? Advise me. I have told him 8 thousand times I do not want a D. That I am willing to work on M. That I want him to be happy, even if that doesn't include me in his future. 2 weeks ago he's telling me how we can work on R after the D, that our M is just a piece of paper, then he buys all new furniture for the house. Now he said he isn't happy/won't ever be happy and I told him I wish there was something I could do to make him happy. That was met by him saying how he can't imagine being without me, etc, that love isn't the problem, etc.
I feel torn. Like maybe I shouldn't say anything at all. What about me? and I do hear CG loud and clear about being suspicious. Yet as retarded as it is, I still love him.l I really think I need to have my head examined.
Ladies and gentlemen...I wouldn't wish any of our sitches on anyone.
I don't think a D is the end of the world. Lots of people remarry or get back together after a D. I think once someone's filed for a D and you've told them many times you don't want it then from your perspective it should be over. All this talk does nothing really but shows your feelings or weakness. My response basically said this to him...that it's too late for these talks, he knows you never wanted this but now you've accepted it- so if he's having second thoughts then prove it.
The thing is talking in these situations never changed anything, it's about actions. You have to show him with your actions that you're fine moving on and only then he'll really understand what it's like to lose you. Only then he might take actions that will speak to YOU in a way that shows that he really does want you back. Just words alone don't mean much.
All this might be nothing more than just some temperature checking for tomorrow's court date.
So, perhaps it is best to not respond at all.
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
Sol, I feel pissed just knowing that you have to listen to this crap from him! He ends the M, despite your wishes, and now you're supposed to feel sorry for him because he'll "never be happy again" blah blah blah...OMG, I wanna puke!
Sol... all this sounds like what I'm going through now. Remember? He says "I don't know what I'm going to do without you, I'll miss talking to you..." BLAH BLAH BLAH!!
Just words sol... if he didn't want this D he'd make it happen. Words are cheap, actions are meaningful. Until he spouts the words "I don't want a D" and then pulls the paperwork, asks for you to move back in, and goes to marriage counseling... let him suffer!
I know its hard to do that right now because you still love him and don't like seeing people you care about hurting. You are a good person. What did he do when you were hurting from all this? Didn't he say "life was to F&^% up"? He made the mess... don't try to clean it up for him! What will he learn if you do all the heavy lifting?
Saving a marriage isn't easy and loosing one isn't either. You have to decide what you're worth. Look at yourself in the mirror... Then think of the woman you were 10 years ago... would she recognize you now? I did that. The 10 year ago me would have kicked the crap out of me today for letting a man treat me so badly for so long...
I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. Keep your head up! If you need to, make a list of all the crappy things he's done to you during this process and let it get you good and pissed before the hearing!
When you are happy as an individual, you are in a better position to determine whether a partner enhances your happy life or weighs it down.
"Sol, I feel pissed just knowing that you have to listen to this crap from him! He ends the M, despite your wishes, and now you're supposed to feel sorry for him because he'll "never be happy again" blah blah blah...OMG, I wanna puke!"
Wii, I'm used to hearing this from relative newbies, but surprised to hear it from you.
Where is there room for compassion or understanding?
If a WAS doesn't demonstrate emotion, they are evil and heartless. If a WAS demonstrates emotion, they are selfish and stupid. What is wrong with this picture? It shows closed-minded, prejudgment. There is nothing in the LBS's eyes a WAS can do and be judged "decent" for it. What is wrong with that picture? In the end, there really isn't much difference between a WAS and an LBS except timing and the ability of LBSs to exercise wild amounts of denial, with the WAS tending to more fear of facing reality and running away rather than denying it and sticking with it.
We make hard choices in are lives, some with difficult, even devastating costs. Sometimes those are the choices we have to make. Anyone who thinks that we can live our lives making choices that don't have costs we regret is someone lacking in age, wisdom or compassion. Even when we choose the best thing, sometimes that thing has costs that are excruciating to bear. That is part of the life of a human.
Divorce isn't an easy choice, it is hard on everyone, and the WAS has to carry the burden of putting it in motion even though hindsight shows most Ms that make it to these boards are better off dead. I WANT MY $2.
Explain the previous sentence and you win a prize.
The "us" "them" mentality around here has grown to ridiculous levels. Everyone involved hurts. Everyone involved loved. Everyone involved wishes the M had worked. Everyone.
To clarify, I don't think that all WASs and all LBSs want there Ms back or would even try to reconcile. I don't, I wouldn't, I'm glad that my first M ended in divorce. Why? Because now I see the problems in the M, the mismatch, the lackings, the things that would never go away. Life is much better now.
Now, I certainly wish neither I nor XH had to go through D. But it is an odd sort of wish, it would be a wish to have never been married the first time, or a wish to have been married to someone else, someone with whom the M would have worked.
But, I have no doubt that when XH and I got married, we both very much wanted a successful happy marriage with each other. Losing that hurts the LBS and the WAS, allow the WASs their pain, allow them their grief. It is just as real and tragic as the LBSs. Hating is a short-term fix -- a drug that helps the LBS with the pain and loss, but hating isn't healing.
