Overreacting to pain? Is there such a thing? I have been reading the thread and I really wonder - did you want him back? It sounds like you were more upset that he left first vs. leaving. You had second thoughts. So did he. His led him elsewhere. I'm not saying that what he did or does is right. It sounds like he is not handling things well. It may be that he had an addiction for a long time. Allen is right that a cheating spouse uses rage as a way to process guilt. Clumsily. The LBS pays for that adultery until they know what happened. Then it makes more sense.
But it's not that clear in your case is it? You said you did something, he escalated in retaliation. You changed and feel he should too. Really?
The custody? If it really is in the best interest of the child, then by all means go get it. But the rest of it? It sounds like you both hurt each other enough for a lifetime, no? He just wasn't able to get over it the same way.
Maybe I'm misreading this. And I certainly do not condone adultery, but let's face it, he was "done". Had no furhter ties in his mind. And he was deal with his pain as he knew how. Just as you dealt with yours as you knew how. It would be nice if you both grew up and faced your issues together. It may be too late for that from the sound of it.
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
He was NOT done - until OW came along. That's what I"m seeing now. Actually, he continued to act as if not done until we had been separated over a year - during which he continued to say "maybe" we would reconsile and we were in MC, spending all holidays together etc.
He claims it was all the miserable years together, not my interest in possibly separating. He was NOT done - until OW came along.We had a plan for reconsiliation. As for me, once we separated and I tried it, it was real, and I didn't want it. Guess I should have never said those words. But I'm human. I was unhappy in the M and not facing it. I did want him back once I got a little space and looked myself straight in the eye for what I had done wrong in the M. Something I continue to do.
Nevertheless, someone committed to M would see it through the hard times. Even if time apart is needed first. Work out our needs and problems together, not in creating a new R with someone new.I would have worked it out with him - if he were willing to own up and stop pointing a finger and comparing me to OW. I see many folks on here whose spouse had EAs and PAs - and still want to work it out. Like me. IT's no excuse to put a little child through this. This is what I realized when we took our "temporary separation". What I did was wrong, as is what he is doing. Frankly having a fullblown relationship when times are tough is the most hurtful thing to me - if it were just sex, it might be easier. I betrayed him. But he betrayed me too. Yes, it's been painful. Yes, we hurt each other. But I am willing and have been looking hard at myself and making necessary changes. He looked to partying and finding someone else. Period.
H says "You didn't want me then and now you want me back. I don't trust you." OK, that's a starting point, IMO, not an end point.
Oh well I'm sick of who is right and who is wrong. I just wish H would work it out with me. I hate to give up the recent niceness we've been having...it feels more friendly which I wanted for the past year so desperatey, and which is good for S. But on this forum everyone says not to be friends. Doesn't this hurt the child too? I hate to lose the friend side, but I see how that is making the OW "ok" and sending a doormat message. Ugh this sucks!
BTW I admitted right away that I had an addiction to fantasy and romance as a means of escaping the pain of a M in which we weren't facing the problems. I got into therapy, joined a 12 step group for "love addiction" and loooked at myself in ways I never wanted to before. I continue to do so. I admitted and faced and am still working with addicted tendencies - H has had none of these revalations although he also is addicted.
And the rage isn't just from OW, he had it ever since I"ve known him and it got worse when we were married, even worse since we had a child.
He never once said he left because of other men. He said it was the painful relationship we had. HOwever, there were never any solutions to that offered by him besides leaving. On the other hand, he never once said "I will not be in a M with someone who cheated, I'm getting a D and am not coming back." I stayed in the dreaded limbo hoping he'd come around, see my changes, etc.
Believe me, I hear what you are saying. We both hurt each other. This is what I struggle with daily. But of course I want to grow and change within the relationship. I was acting immaturely and I want to act more maturely now. I think it's clear he doesn't. Not to blame. But I never heard him once say that he wanted to change to make our M better.
No he works at home - he's a ocmputer nerd. He started hanging out with all these role-playing game type people. I assume she's from there. I don't really know or want to know.
No he works at home - he's a ocmputer nerd. He started hanging out with all these role-playing game type people. I assume she's from there. I don't really know or want to know.
Same here Hope... same here.. I hate RPG's now... :P
Note that I am not condoning his behavior. Just pointing out another side to the conversation. His actions are based on the same hurt, right? Has he ever been able to live up to your expectations? Do you only want him back so you can live your dream of an intact family or do you love him for who he is? Know the difference.
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This is what I realized when we took our "temporary separation". What I did was wrong, as is what he is doing. Frankly having a fullblown relationship when times are tough is the most hurtful thing to me - if it were just sex, it might be easier. I betrayed him. But he betrayed me too. Yes, it's been painful. Yes, we hurt each other. But I am willing and have been looking hard at myself and making necessary changes. He looked to partying and finding someone else. Period.
That's accusatory and judgemental. You are angry. I get that. But this really just points to two people at two different places in the relationship. You handled it one way. He handled it another. See below for more thoughts.
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H says "You didn't want me then and now you want me back. I don't trust you." OK, that's a starting point, IMO, not an end point.
Right. Why would he trust you? What has changed for a LONG ENOUGH PERIOD that he would trust you? See, that is a big deal. Trust. I'm pointing this out for a reason, Hope.
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Oh well I'm sick of who is right and who is wrong.
Perfect. You show great growth here. He doesn't. Yet. Again, that's two people in two different places in the relationship.
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He never once said he left because of other men. He said it was the painful relationship we had. HOwever, there were never any solutions to that offered by him besides leaving. On the other hand, he never once said "I will not be in a M with someone who cheated, I'm getting a D and am not coming back." I stayed in the dreaded limbo hoping he'd come around, see my changes, etc.
Just because he didn't say it..... Let me re-word this as I would have seen it had that been said to me (it was). "I waited around waiting for the changes YOU needed to make and you did not. You are not worthy of being my husband because you would have changed. I would not accept you until you did. It's your fault the marriage isn't working." Change? What was his motivation to change again?
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Believe me, I hear what you are saying. We both hurt each other. This is what I struggle with daily. But of course I want to grow and change within the relationship. I was acting immaturely and I want to act more maturely now. I think it's clear he doesn't. Not to blame. But I never heard him once say that he wanted to change to make our M better.
Again, you are saying that you want to grow and therefore he should too. Is that unreasonable? No. Is that controlling? Judgemental? Yes and yes. It comes across as you inflicting your will on him. Controlling.
For him to walk away from his child is a big deal. It's not right and likely causes additional pain. But it may be all he can do to keep himself shiny side up on the road. Have you considered that? Have you considered that your feelings of change and how big a deal something is or is not, may not be the same as his? You hurt. He hurts. You deal with it one way. He deals with it another way.
What he tells the OW? I'm sure there are many things in that conversation that are true. Some may be exaggerated. Some are part of lashing out due to the pain most likely. You can't blame her in this. This is his decision.
So where are we? I think it's like this: you made a few mistakes. Should it be the end of the marriage? I don't think so. But what I think is irrelevant. What he thinks and what you think are relevant.
Have you asked him how the two of you can rebuild the trust and respect between you? Keeping in mind your mothering instinct that the child is worth saving the marriage and should be for him to, may not be how a man thinks?
What I hear in your posts is that you don't respect him. That you want him to be a certain way that fits your vision and it doesn't sound like you leave a lot of room for him to be him. Add in the other issues that may be present (addictions) and it's small wonder he doesn't want to come back.
Did he lead you on? Maybe. Maybe he was waiting for you to change to meet his expectations. The same as you have been.
Drop the expectations. Drop the past. Build the trust. Do what it takes to build that trust before it's too late.
Friendship? Is that not where relationships start? Just asking.
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
