W called me again earlier, to ask if what was left at the old house would fit in her car. I went back over what I texted her earlier. She didnt need to call me about it, but she did. I answered and was upbeat. She did not ask to talk to the kids again, I didnt offer either. She ended the phone call, with "well thats all I needed" I said, ok bye. She sounded depressed and sad on the phone, again drained like she sounds all the time. This is her decision, and if she wants to change her "decision" it is up to her, I will not bring up the "M" "us" or "r" talk again. Its in her court. I feel I have done very well over the past few weeks, and I will not let myself backslide anymore. Whats the point? I am not going to start over where I was 2 months ago asking her to reconsider. She can see I am moving on, and can live my life with or without her. I love her, but I will not put myself through anymore of this crap.
I haven't chimed in your sitch in a bit but one thing comes up pretty frequently, you respond to every single one of her texts (ok, 98.9% of her texts LOL)
There is no perfect rule for this but I would say it's ok to let her wait.
If its not about the kids and some sort of drastic emergency, seriously why do you need to respond. You keep saying it yourself, most of these texts she could answer herself if she put effort into it.
Sit her down one day and just be straight with her, "look this whole process we're going through is because you weren't happy with us or specifically with me. I just didn't do it for you anymore, and you really didn't enjoy being married to me. Looking back I can see you felt like this for quite some time, its the reason why you had that first affair and it's the reason why we split up this time. I get it and I'm fine with it, and it's time for both of us to move on, I won't be knocking down your door begging you to take me back because it's not what I want anymore, truth be told I don't know what I want but I wasn't happy back there either, it's time for both of us to accept this break from each other and explore our options and see what life has in store for us. We're going to have to communicate and be civil with regards to the kids, I know I will do my part in that, but as far as all of this other stuff, maybe it's time you tried taking care of this stuff by yourself instead of always relying on me to do it, not being mean or punitive but I'm a busy guy too and between the kids, my work and my personal life, there isn't a lot of time left over to be available as much as I am to you, I hope you can respect me enough to give me my space now that we're no longer together."
It will take a minute to say this and she'll get the point.
You can be as nice as you want but I think your first D hearing is in a day or so, being nice, patient, caring, humble, helpful really isn't doing anything to motivate her to stop the D filing. I think you've been as patient as anyone can expect to be in this situation bro. You handled the first separation and her affair like a champ but she strayed again even if there wasn't an affair this time, it's like she's been planning to do this again to you for quite some time.
Detaching is really letting go. You can love her, you can dedicate a portion of your heart to her and love her enough to set her free, if that's what she wants, give it to her.
As for you, I think if you want to go out and see that woman, I say go for it. I will warn you that this woman sounds like she's in a very vulnerable position in her life, it wouldn't take much to take advantage of this situation, you have to gauge your actions, exercise your self control and do what you think you can. If you don't think you can exercise that control then you have to decide if you're calling it quits on your marriage and if you are, don't feel guilty considering what you've been through and the fact that your wife has filed for divorce, you are technically single, only you can decide when you're ready to be "single" again.
For what it's worth, you're doing awesome, you're handling this like a champ, my expectations were pretty high when I first started talking to you but I'm a pretty good judge of character, I knew you were up to the task, I knew you could handle it.
As far as the other woman, I do not plan in to jump into anything. She said her divorce is final in about 5 weeks, after tomorrow's hearing, as long as there arent any red flags, mine will be done around the same time. I took S to school in this crazy weather from that hurricane that is bleeding in to North tx. Dropped D off at W's house, again was cheerful and happy, I think I woke the W up, it took her forever to come to the door, and she looked like she had been hit by a truck. We didnt exchange any words, I just hugged my D, she said "daddy I love you so much" I smiled and said it back to her.
I turned around and walked back to my truck. I do agree that I respond to things I dont need to, the speech I am sure will happen in the near future. Except for me responding to texts, I think she is getting the point somewhat that I am doing fine by my actions. As we all say actions are louder than words.
I will keep going on my journey and enjoy my life and my children
Sit her down one day and just be straight with her, "look this whole process we're going through is because you weren't happy with us or specifically with me. I just didn't do it for you anymore, and you really didn't enjoy being married to me. Looking back I can see you felt like this for quite some time, its the reason why you had that first affair and it's the reason why we split up this time. I get it and I'm fine with it, and it's time for both of us to move on, I won't be knocking down your door begging you to take me back because it's not what I want anymore, truth be told I don't know what I want but I wasn't happy back there either, it's time for both of us to accept this break from each other and explore our options and see what life has in store for us. We're going to have to communicate and be civil with regards to the kids, I know I will do my part in that, but as far as all of this other stuff, maybe it's time you tried taking care of this stuff by yourself instead of always relying on me to do it, not being mean or punitive but I'm a busy guy too and between the kids, my work and my personal life, there isn't a lot of time left over to be available as much as I am to you, I hope you can respect me enough to give me my space now that we're no longer together."
Excellent response. Anyone want to amend it and make it shorter? LOL. I could use something like this but would like to say it in fewer words. (plus I've got a stbx who is texting me about being depressed though he is the on D'ing me). Sorry to highjack your thread, man.
Had a good C seesion this morning. I wanted to go before my first hearing this morning. We talked about tough love, dobson this extremely helpful website. He thought how ironic it was about "bumping" into old GF at church and we are going through the same crap. He said you can have friends that are women, just do what feels natural to you.
We touched a bit on the D, and how I feel about things. Told him I am keeping expectations at 0, but still have some hope. He mentioned to me what if your W says, hey this can stop. What would your reaction be? I said to be honest, as much as i miss and love her, I dont miss who she is right now. So in my opinion her changing her mind this soon, we would be back to square one, and I dont think she has had enough time in reality or in the bed she has made. So as much as I would want to make things work, I dont see it doing any good in the near future.
As I move on further and reflect, I dont think she has made any progress as far as her own issues. She buries herself with work, the kids and is tired all the time. Not muc room in there to work on herself.
Don't text a message like that, you sit them down the next time you see them, and you start it off by saying "Maybe you should sit down, we need to talk about something...."
takes less than a minute and it has a lasting impact, because you did it in person, you initiated the conversation, you were genuine & honest enough to do something about the situation and you asked for space.
Doing it by email or txt would never accomplish the same thing. Emails & txt can't convey body language & sincerity expressed in your voice tone.
Rob, I wasnt gonna text or email it. When the time is right, it will be done in person. What I was referring to is the fact "i think she gets it" as to the way I am conducting my life.
A few weeks after the bomb, when she came down and talked to me at 3 am after I went out, when she said " not that it matters anymore, but why have you never fought for me"? At first that statement made me thin I need to wooo her, I did, and guess what didnt work.
So where I am at today, the person she is right now is not worth fighting for. She probably wanted me to keep pursueing to nurture her own insecurites. But I cannot do it, part of me wants it to work for the kids, convienence, and the fear of what lies ahead for me on my own. I am starting to embrace being on my own. I feel less stress, anger and tension.
I am on an up today, could be on a down tomorrow after the hearing, dont know but I cant worry about it. As I work on myself and she does whatever she does, she is not my focus anymore.
Well if you haven't already heard it a thousand times, we know pursuing (chasing, "fighting for the marriage", etc.) just doesn't work.
She expects you to do this, for many different reasons I'm sure, one of them possibly to satisfy her ego, it's hard to say.
You became someone she cheated on a few years ago, you became someone she stopped caring for in the right way, you became someone she didn't want to be with anymore and originally wanted to kick you out of the home when this nonsense started - fighting for someone who would do those things to you doesn't make sense to me and hopefully it doesn't make sense to any LBS struggling with this.
The fact that she asked you that indicates that letting the WAS go works, she expected you to chase her, pursue her so that she could continue "running away", when you stop pursuing a WAS, they don't have anything to run away from, in fact, it causes them to start asking themselves questions, one of them being "why didn't you fight for me?", she changes direction, she stops keeping distance from you when she originally wanted a lot of distance between the two of you. The WAS contacts their LBS, texting, calling, emailing, leaving voicemails, asking for favors and assistance with tasks that you have confirmed could have been easily done by her alone. They are all excuses to get into contact with you, even if they don't believe this fact to be true even to themselves, there is no other way to explain it.
You don't need to "wooo" her, quite the opposite, you need to let her pursue you, you need to let her believe that you have finally understood and agreed with her that you believe it's over, you won't fight for her, you won't chase her anymore, you've given up on this relationship and are moving on with your life. It's only when this happens that the momentum of this situation moves in your direction.
Don't be surprised of some new developments in your situation (with regards to your wife's actions towards you), they could happen any time (and then again nothing may happen), either way like you said, you are embracing being on your own and you feel less stress, anger and tension - that's a small victory right there ;-)
