They really are way ahead on the detachment curve, aren't they? I have to let her face the consequences and not rescue her. This won't be easy even if we both agree on everything. Not easy at all.
I see this all the time, and I'm calling B.S.
Detachment is a healthy thing. It's regaining control over your life, etc. What we see the WAS do is more like disengaging. Otherwise they wouldn't respond so dramatically to losing control over their spouses.
I still don't have the detachment thing down completely. She knows what buttons to push and she keeps pushing until she gets a response from me. I don't do it nearly as often and when it does happen, I apologize for speaking to her that way or whatever the occasion calls for.
Last week, after one of our talks, we were both in the bed room and she was walking out to go sleep on the couch. I called her back in to say something. She didn't like what I was saying and said that she was just telling her friend the other day that I was the only person in the world who could make her feel about 1 cenemeter tall. She had a smirk on her face and it just really put me over the edge. It took all the control I had just to keep my voice down. The kids were sleeping and I said, pretty calmly, " Okay, I don't know why I am still talking to you. Get the hell out of my room and go sleep on the couch where you belong."
Anyway, she brought it up after she went to talk to her L. She said she didn't mind fighting and arguing up until I yelled at her. I said, "I didn't yell. I may have raised my voice, but you are right, that was no way to talk to you no matter how mad I was and it won't happen again. I apologize for taling to you that way, but not for what I said."
That was followed by a couple of days that were almost normal. Now it's back to crap again.
Had another good weekend with the kids. They had a blast at the homecoming. The twins marched in the parade while playing their instruments for the first time. They were so proud of themselves. D6 looked and acted like a real princess for the Little Miss Hometown contest. She sat on the float and waved and answered her questions like a pro. She didn't win but she didn't care. I told her later that night that I was more proud of her because she didn't win. She didn't get sad and told the little girl who did win that she wanted to have her picture taken together. She is a sweetheart!
W and I didn't ride together to the parade. She asked but S4 was sleeping and I said I would wake him up and we would come up later. Why put myself through the tension?
W called yesterday from work and said she had a chunk missing out of her tire and a big bubble on another one. We had talked about getting tires but put it off. She asked me what to do; Just replace the bad ones or get all four? I told her to go ahead and get all four, she and the kids needed to be safe. She agreed and got them put on. When she got home from work @noon, she ate and I laid down. I had a screaming headache. She came in and said her sister called and wanted to go with her and her kids to something, did I mind if her and our kids went. I said go ahead, no problem. They were gone for a couple of hours and I was making supper when they got home. We ate and watched some football.
I noticed that she took my truck and asked her why. She said the van wouldn't start, what else could go wrong. I went out and cleaned the battery posts and put it on the charger. She leaves for work at 3:30 and I told her if it wouldn't start to wake me up and I would jump it for her and she could get a battery while she was at work. She didn't wake me so I called a little while ago to see if she had got it fixed. She said that she did. I said good and told her 'bye. No small talk.
Anyway, as I was coming in the house last night, she was sitting on the front porch. I asked her if she had found anyplace to live yet. She said no, why? I told her I noticed her note pad with houses on it. She said she couldn't afford any of them. I told her she could stay until after D6's b'day which is the end of this month and that I would like her to be out by then. I walked in the house and played with the kids, got them showered and in bed and went to my room.
Still having trouble accepting the situation but am trying to get her to take some action herself. Maybe I should have went ahead and filed. IDK. The kids notice things. One of their cousins asked, on Labor Day, where their Mom was. One of the twins said she was at work. Would she be there later? Probably not, he said. Mom doesn't sleep with Dad anymore and doesn't come to things with us. It was Mom doesn't sleep with Dad, not the other way around. I guess I want them to say, Mom left Dad and not the other way around.
Maybe "striking first" would gain me some advantage. I want my kids to know that I tried and that I did not leave them.
M: 39 W: 39 Kids (3): S10; S8; D4 Married 14 years Togethor: 18 years Wife's Weird Behavior Started: 2nd Half of 2009 Bomb Dropped (about being "so done"): 2/17/10 Current Status: In counseling
I have similar issues with auto repairs. Always at the worst time. Buying beds and dressers for the kids, a used grill, cleaning supplies. It all adds up quick. Then, I had to come-up with 2 months rent last weekend, which is about 88% of the net that I get each month. Luckily I had set some $ aside to get me through.
I think you need to continue to maintain the minimal contact thing. I hardly talk to W at all since I am out of the house. I think it has made things a little easier, but there are still plenty of difficult times. Maybe time to start dating again.
there are still plenty of difficult times. Maybe time to start dating again.
Because that was always what I found attractive and fun back when I was dating: women going through divorce that were needy and still carrying a lot of emotional baggage
What is the secret to letting go? Appreciating your own life? Being grateful for all the good in your life? Appreciating how even the bad things that have happened have made you wiser and stronger in some ways?
Taking time to notice the beauty in life? Making strides toward a better tomorrow?
Just a lot of questions to think about
When your XW can call you an idiot, and you feel so confident that you wink and say "You know, you're kind of sexy when you're angry" you will have found the way--DB Koan.
Last edited by TimeHeals; 09/13/1006:53 PM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
there are still plenty of difficult times. Maybe time to start dating again.
Because that was always what I found attractive and fun back when I was dating: women going through divorce that were needy and still carrying a lot of emotional baggage
Because dating may make me FEEL attractive again and realize that this D isn't the end of the world.
there are still plenty of difficult times. Maybe time to start dating again.
Because that was always what I found attractive and fun back when I was dating: women going through divorce that were needy and still carrying a lot of emotional baggage
What is the secret to letting go? Appreciating your own life? Being grateful for all the good in your life? Appreciating how even the bad things that have happened have made you wiser and stronger in some ways?
Taking time to notice the beauty in life? Making strides toward a better tomorrow?
Just a lot of questions to think about
When your XW can call you an idiot, and you feel so confident that you wink and say "You know, you're kind of sexy when you're angry" you will have found the way--DB Koan.
Because dating may make me FEEL attractive again and realize that this D isn't the end of the world.
Right on, Dan!
I'm not ready for the dating thing yet, not even close, but I understand where you're coming from.
In a way, I also understand where my W is coming from. I should have told her more how pretty she was and how happy I was to have her with me. She always told me but I didn't tell her nearly often enough. It's not an excuse for what happened, but I see how it would hurt her. I have been complemented a lot lately from the opposite sex and it does feel good. My self image has always been lacking and that was one of the things I needed to work on. It's really not a problem anymore. I am more confident in everything that I do.
W told me last night that she got her old job back and the Dr. office where she used to work. She will work 4 days a week and every other Sat. I told her congratulations, that it is good news. She hasn't figured out who will get the kids off the bus in the afternoon but said she would work it out.
It makes my custody plan look pretty good. She will be off every Wed. I would have the kids Mon. and Tues., she would have Wed. and Thurs., then we alternate Fri., Sat. and Sun. She didn't want to discuss any of that last night so I let it drop.
This would be great if we were still "us". She won't have to work every weekend, won't have to get up at 3:00 in the morning, she'll have a set schedule and things would be "normal". Now, not sure how much it will change for her if any at all. And I'm okay with that. I can see in my mind how shared custody would work and I just have to make it work. Other than how it will affect the kids, the rest of the mess doesn't seem as scary.
BTW, S4 had his first day of pre-school yesterday. I drove him to school, had him show me where his classroom was, where he was supposed to put his backpack and he told me what his teacher's name was. He knew everything! When I left, he gave me a few extra kisses and a little longer hug, and then off he went. I can't believe how big he is getting. Even after being through this with three other kids, time still has a way of sneaking past me. He's a bright kid and had a great day and was ready again this morning.
