When the pressure is off, and you agree with her, you can both have a good time. I understand the-my fuel was spent-comment. I am the same way. Every time my W and I have the R talk and I agree about D and that we could not recover from the past year, we have a couple of good days. I would even say good ones. Without fail, though, she goes right back to being withdrawn and defensive about everything. I ignore her moods and carry on with the kids the best I can as if nothing was wrong.
I'm sure she is hurting. You saw her on the couch crying. It is her decision, not yours. Keep everything moving so she has to face reality.
What you are going to find out is whether or not you want to keep trying. My DBing efforts began to make a difference once we seperated. You just took all the pressure off her, it's both relieving and scary for her. Let her own it. Go about your business.
Yup. Pressure should be off now. Her own words "I cannot look at our relationship if you don't let me go".
So if she wants to "look at our R" I can't be hovering around.
She also seems to have a strange idea how she wants to proceed. Fixing up the house and trying to sell it could take another 6 months. Am I suppose to still live there?
Is she thinking that good old Pookie will come over to work on the house and spend time with the dogs periodically while she is trying to find a way to "look at our R"? Does that make any sense? She could not wait to get me to agree to move out, now she wants to stretch this further.
I'm about to tell her that I will move out of the country. (Yes, I've thought about that too)
(((pookie))) I understand being sad now, but I think you did really well.
Regarding living or not in the house, I guess you should let her feel what it will be like being on her own so that she can appreciate the times when you were there more. I would think that will let her make up her mind faster
Accept that there is only one thing you can change in life and that is you
(((pookie))) I understand being sad now, but I think you did really well.
Regarding living or not in the house, I guess you should let her feel what it will be like being on her own so that she can appreciate the times when you were there more. I would think that will let her make up her mind faster
I would like to move out as fast as possible. Unfortunately I don't have any family here to stay with. My friends all have kids and wives and I won't burden them.
So my move has to be a permanent deal.
I wish there was a temporay option (month or so) to have her have it all and see what that does.
I can see the "I thought we can be friends" thing coming next.
I know some of you suggest being friendly bot not friends. I have no problem telling her that I have no intentions of being a friend with someone who broke apart a family for 13 years.
The question is though how much open friendly discussions should I have. Obviously I am going to continue to DB.
Do I let her know my plans (moving out when, where, etc.) when asked.
Anticipate the major questions, think out if you want to reply, and what you'll say.
You bet there will be questions. The very first issue I need to tackle is the @#$%^&@ boiler. I so nicely promised to pay for it. I know, I know, shoot me.
Well, it's only money. Promise is a promise, I will have to honor it.
She can send me a check after I move to Down Under.
W came home rather early. I was looking at some apartments online and paid some of my bills.
After about an hour or so she came over to me smiled and said "So where would you like to go and have dinner?"
It wasn't "I want to go out, want to come?" or "I am going..."
I was hesitating a little, but I was hungry and there was nothing around the house. I did not want to play any games with her by not agreeing.
We head another nice evening talking and laughing. At some point in the conversation she said "I know you told me not to text you when I'm going to be late but I have a client to take out this Thursday - is it okay with you?" I said "I did not tell you to stop your life - quite the opposite. I asked you to live it like I was not always around. I wanted you to stop assuming that I'm always here to take care of the house while you get last minute ideas of going out with your friends. This is exactly what I'd like to hear - you telling me now, two days before and not 5:30 Thursday evening leaving me with no choice. Now I can either tell you, fine I will be home on time or no, I have something going also so we can work on the alternate plan. That's communicating and that's what is needed while I still live here with you. That's respect and it's all good."
She smiled, thanked me and we kept enjoying the evening.
Every time I drop the rope, she picks it up and hands it back to me. She wants me to leave but the above conversation was something that we would have if we decided to work on R. I set a single boundary yesterday about a single responsibility and the respect I wanted. She understood that and complied. It was not hard at all and there was no argument.
God I wish this could continue. It was all part of my plan B to start setting boundaries and communicating about all the things we haven't been able to talk about. But I have to let her go.
It's just so confusing. Or is she already seeing this as "letting go"?
The stupid boiler was coughing again. I have to temporarily fix it this evening. I did not bring up the conversation about the new one last night nor did W.
