God I wish. Cuddling at night is "tough." Especially when it's me initiating everything. Sometimes I have no clue where we're going, but my backup plan is intact.
I guess you just want to repeat the beginners class.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
The morning went quietly drinking coffee and playing with the dogs. Suddenly my boiler started coughing. W made a comment that it is beginning to make her nervous. I had planned to get it replaced in early spring but obviously everything came to halt since the bomb went off in April.
I agreed that it is time to replace it. This triggered hours of research online and we finally came to an agreement which unit to get. She e-mailed out some requests for pricing and I told her that we both should also use our connections in the industry to get some favors.
She mentioned that WE probably don’t have the money right now to invest. I told her that I do and that I was planning on getting it done this year anyway. She was happy to hear that.
It was early afternoon and she wanted to go somewhere outside to have lunch and enjoy the day. We headed out to our favorite outdoor place. There was a band playing and the people were enjoying the sunny day.
Suddenly she brought up the boiler replacement and said that we should put some other finishing touches on the house and see if we can sell it. That caught me off guard a little and I asked if she wanted to talk about it. She said that we don’t have to do that right now. I disagreed and said that I’ve been waiting for the response for the choices I had given her the other day. She said, okay let’s talk then.
She offered to sell the house and split the profits. She said that it is fair that way. I asked if that means that she has chosen the separation offer. She said yes.
I said, that my plan for leaving does not include any selling or splitting profits or dogs. I told her that all of that is hers, she wanted it so she can have it all. I said, I did not want this family to be broken up but I respect her wishes for me to leave and that’s all I am agreeing to do. I reminded her that I came to this country when I was 19 years old with one way ticket and $100 in my pocket. I can do it again here or elsewhere on this planet.
This is how I truly feel.
She was a little surprised and puzzled by my calm and resolute response. I decided to throw out my last line. I said, “You know that it does not have to go this way. I had another choice also which included a plan that I believe will work.” She looked down and said, “I know Pookie, I know you have been getting help and I have seen you changing. Don’t think that I have not noticed. But I cannot look at our relationship if you don’t let me go.”
Boy was that right out of this forum or what? I smiled and said, “I completely agree with you, I will let you go.”
The next 15 minutes were quiet as I turned my focus on the band that was playing. When the band took a break she asked me if I was uncomfortable and wanted to leave. I said no, I am enjoying the day and would like to continue to do so.
The next 6 hours went by so quickly as we talked, laughed and really enjoyed each other and some friendly people at the next table. To be honest this was one of the greatest times we have had. There was so much to talk about, the topics were endless. She was so beautiful, smart and funny. I did not let sadness to break me down. I was back to my old self of being funny, interesting and entertaining. We had a absolute blast.
Finally the place started emptying out. It was late and she wanted to have dinner somewhere else. We relocated to another one of our spots shared an appetizer and continued to have a good time.
We came home and I just did not feel cheery anymore. My fuel was spent. I looked at her one more time and said that I am tired and will go to bed.
As I was going to my bedroom I heard her say “Don’t you want to hang out with the dogs for awhile.” I replied, “No, thanks, but I am exhausted.”
Just as I laid down the door opens and she comes in with all of the dogs. She laid down right next to me and we played with our “kids”. I just wanted to grab her and ML as she was so close. I just could not do that. She has never come into my bedroom since I moved out of MB. It was so hard to look at her.
This morning I came down early and had a cup of coffee. She was kind of happy looking.
I smiled and told her that I had an absolute blast last night. She agreed that it was one of the best times in recent history. I said, “Thanks, that’s how I would like to remember us.” I swear I saw a lump in her throat.
I said that she should start taking my name off all the accounts and bills that are associated with the house. She looked a little puzzled but agreed. I said, “And starting today you don’t have to text me about being late as you should start living your life like if I was no longer here.”
I got up and left the room and closed the glass door behind me. I took one more look over my shoulder as all of my dogs were staring through the glass. Moments like these always break me down. Their sad and innocent faces always follow me every morning when I leave for work. I did not want to think that pretty soon I will be living somewhere else crying myself to sleep. No, not today…
I looked up and saw my W crying on the couch.
There is a happy ending to this somewhere, but I need more strength and wisdom to find it.
I wouldn't be so nice about your finances. If you were the wife and she the husband, she'd owe you half of all the assets. You'll need the money eventually, trust me!
I wouldn't be so nice about your finances. If you were the wife and she the husband, she'd owe you half of all the assets. You'll need the money eventually, trust me!
I know. I am just so tired to think about that aspect of it.
What you are going to find out is whether or not you want to keep trying. My DBing efforts began to make a difference once we seperated. You just took all the pressure off her, it's both relieving and scary for her. Let her own it. Go about your business.
This helped me prepare for either outcome, The Stockdale Paradox.
Quote:
In a business book by James C. Collins called Good to Great, Collins writes about a conversation he had with Stockdale regarding his coping strategy during his period in the Vietnamese POW camp.[10]
"I never lost faith in the end of the story, I never doubted not only that I would get out, but also that I would prevail in the end and turn the experience into the defining event of my life, which, in retrospect, I would not trade."[11]
When Collins asked who didn't make it out of Vietnam, Stockdale replied:
"Oh, that’s easy, the optimists. Oh, they were the ones who said, 'We're going to be out by Christmas.' And Christmas would come, and Christmas would go. Then they'd say, 'We're going to be out by Easter.' And Easter would come, and Easter would go. And then Thanksgiving, and then it would be Christmas again. And they died of a broken heart."[11]
Stockdale then added:
"This is a very important lesson. You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end—which you can never afford to lose—with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.”[11]
Witnessing this philosophy of duality, Collins went on to describe it as the Stockdale Paradox
You can handle it.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
