They say someone who has OW is in a fog, but I am the one coming out of a fog. I can't believe it took me so long to come out of denial because of my "love" for my H and my desire for my son to have an intact family.
I now see: That the past year, not only was H lying to me that we may reconsile by going to MC, he was abusing me and S emotionally and verbally while he went back to his OG (Other GIRL - I'm sure she's no woman - the girl H dated before me was 17 - and he was 28!). I mean it just all hit me. I could see it all clearly like a movie in my mind. He has been lying, cheating, and abusing me. For over a year. Before she came into the picture, we had been living apart, but it was agreed it was temporary, that we would start MC on month four and work on our M. Then it turned on a dime and now I can see it all.
I am disgusted and furious.
I was cleaning my kitchen, going over this in my mind, and imagining telling H to tell his girl that the little boy she met so "casually" the other night is in a broken home because of her - because of her encouragement to keep a married man from facing his problems and working on his family.
Then H calls. He's away on some stupid gaming conference(why not - life is all fun and games these days for him, right?) and I'm home alone with S for four nights. Which, by the way is a most welcome respite - no anxiety attacks!!!!
He wants to talk to S and of course I have to let him. But I was in such a state as to be cold as ice. For all I know she's standing right there with him.
I know Allen recommends saying these types of things directly to OP but I in no way can stomach meeting her or talking to her. Should I send him such a note? Or just go NC and go through lawyers?
No I do not reccomend saying these things to the OP unless there is some reason to think it will benefit the marriage... In this case I don't see one... This woman knows your H is married to you and the full details.
There ARE circumstances where OP is NOT fully informed or is in a vulnerable position (married themselves for example)... In THOSE situations I would reccomend confronting.. but from what you describe above no I would not.
And how ashamed am I at how many times I pursued in that way - thinking I was "communicating"...ugh...practically my entire marriage, as well as the past year. Well it's never to late to learn!
So the lawyer wants to immediatly file to have H take a drug test and not allow S5 in his airplane (H is a pilot, bought a plane the day we signed legal sep. papers!). The L's father died in a plane crash because he was using and flying. She said it's for the protection of my child. My H, a rageaholic, is going to flip a lid. I do know he buys painkillers and anti anxiety meds online without prescription and "takes a few" from whomever he can find. He claims it's because his licence would be taken away if it was on record that he even uses meds legally. I've allowed him to convince me that he knows how and when to use them while self-prescribing - only during "anxiety attacks." How stupid have I been to think a person can do this? He is extremely anal and controlled, so it seems he could. But he has also lied so it seems he may be lying. Better safe than sorry, L says. I have let H control me for so long now out of fear of his blow ups and I'm at that same moment now that has made me back down countless times - hoping that moving forward this time is actually "setting a boundary" and will be the best.
IT's going to cost my $5K just for that. And H is going to go ballistic. I'm freaking out wondering if I should continue to believe him when he says he is "responsible" and "would never fly day of or day after using meds" for safety. I question if my motives aren't only to protect S, but to take control and have him wake up to the consequences of leaving, finding a young girl, adopting a new "party lifestyle" (of which I am unclear to the extent and substance, but H has literally used that term). I'm basically having a panic attack about all of it.
I want to fight for more custody - my state gives 50/50 as a default - and I let him bully me into signing this for our legal sep. agreement. H has been verbally abusive, unpredictably explosive, and lying and manipulative. Basically, the idea behind 50/50 was that we could talk about what is best for S, but at this point, H actually wants 50% and I don't so I guess if I can't talk with him, then I have to fight legally. I was hoping emotionally and financially not to have to go this route. Scared I'll lose my house.
Here's why I want more custody, or ideally, full: a) H's unpredictable emotions - from calm to rage at both me and S b) S is five, he is young, has never lived anywhere but this house, and I've always been an at home mom so he is safest with me c) this new H - the elusive OW, the admittance of partying and illegal drug use - the secrecy around both - introducing S to OW without talking to me about it, changing story about extent of drug usage (both his brothers are drug addicts - high funcioning ones with high level jobs, but addicted none the less).
d) - yes, I admit it. I want him out of my life. I don't want my peace of mind disrupted weekly for drop offs, etc. He has had control for so long now. I want control of my life, and my son's. I have PTSD like panic attacks everytime we have to see each other and when H is alone with S.
No I"ve never been physically abused. But the amount of emotional abuse is great. My previous threads detail some of it. I want peace and predictability for both me and my son. Unfortunately in this state I may have to hock my house to get it. But it's my child. What is more important? To me, nothing, to H, well he has chosen parties and dates with gf weekly over time with S.
But I"m terrified. Time to get things in motion and I"m literally terrified, not sure if I'm doing the right thing. Any advice appreciated.
What do I do to handle the ptsd? Why does this happen? I think it's more to do with the constant verbal and emotional attacks, and the threat of losing my son 50% of the time.
Also, do people here think I"m unreasonable wanting full custody? If struggle with the guilt of this ....
