This is what I think he would say. This is what he has shared with me, plus some little mind reading I guess. He is not an oversharer by any means so this is truly all I have to go on.
'My wife and I met online over 6 years ago. We started as friends, but she got me to drop walls I didn't even know I had. I fell deeply in love with her.
Then she broke my heart. She left me with NC for a month and a half. When she came back to me, there was a piece of me I never gave her back.
After her mom died we moved in together. We had an opportunity for a better life together but she would not consent to do it unless we were married. I didn't want to lose her, but I wanted this opportunity, so I married her. I was not ready and felt pressured to marry her. I was young, and not totally ready to commit to the step dad role, but I did. I never really thought we would last forever.
We moved across the country and things were stressful but not horrible. Then she got pregnant. I was happy but scared. A child of my own made everything harder- harder to handle, harder to leave, an I kind of panicked. My wife paid more attention to the kids, house, and computer than to me. She wouldn't spend any quality time with me, even when I asked. She always had something else to do. She threatened to leave me several times, further building that wall.
For a year and a half I have been miserable and checked out of the marriage. She wasn't a bad person, she just didn't want to put in the effort I thought she should. So I started having a very close relationship with a coworker. She was there for me in ways my wife couldn't be, she was young, spontaneous, care free and didn't come with children. By now my wife realized something was very wrong with our marriage but I was so done by this point I ignored her pleas to work on us. I thought it was sad that it had had to get to this point for her to see. In fact it pushed me farther and farther away from her until I told her I was done.
I still love her as a person, but not as a husband. I want to help her as I know I am leaving her in a bad spot. I don't think i could ever be in love with her again, she's just done too much. I don't think I can get past it. I've not been single on 10 years and I'm looking forward to being able to live my life exactly as I want, with no obligation or answers. As long as I am there for my daughter, my life will be much better alone. I will have more fun and less stress. I have a lot of friends so I won't be lonely. I am getting a promotion and will have more money. I can sleep where I want, when I want, and not have to hear the nagging. It is the right choice.
The kids will be fine because we will be friends and they won't understand. My wife will be fine, she's done this before. I will be fine because I will be happy. '
Me 30 H 29 DC 9, 7, 2 M 4 years, T 6 years ILYBINILWY Bomb: 8/8/10 He doesn't want to work, I'm slowly getting there too Physically separating end of September
My husband and I met at work while I was fresh out of college in a new town. He was a sweet, kind man who made me feel like the center of his world. I didn't want to date him at first because he was just finishing up his divorce from his first wife, but as soon as that was done our relationship went from friends to lovers.
We both fell pretty fast and hard. I dreamed of having a home and family, and he loved kids as well. My family thought he was great, and I liked his family. We planned and dreamed about what our lives would be like. We got married, and he started on a new career path.
Married life was tougher than I thought. He was awfully fussy, and seemed insecure about a lot of things. I tried to make him happy; cooking foods that he never liked, keeping the house clean when he seemed he could do it better. I let him make most of the decisions, since he was confident about them, and I was new to this type of thing.
After a lot of fertility treatments, we had our first daughter, and I loved her so much. I poured all my love into her, since he seemed less interested in me. I wasn't in the mood for sex much anymore, and had post partum that took a while to get over. I didn't understand why our marriage didn't seem as fulfilling as I dreamed, but thought that I just needed to suck it up.
We went to counseling after our first daughter, trying to make things better. But they didn't change. He didn't listen very well, didn't give me the attention that I had loved when we were dating. Didn't seem very interested in me.
Then we had our second daughter. She was wonderful! And still our marriage seemed cold. He's a great father who dotes on his daughters, but is so involved with his work and his games. Me and the girls are second fiddle and he doesn't realize how much it hurts.
We go to more counseling, but the counselor doesn't seem to have good advice. Just tells us that "It's obvious you love each other, just spend more time together." Sigh...
My H starts playing online games that tie up even more of his time. I start going to a book club and making new friends. I love my friends at work, it's my sanctuary from being lonely at home. I wonder why I married my H, did I really love him? Was I just a lonely girl from a small town looking for someone to take care of me? Suck it up. Your girls need you, and you made your vows.
Then my husband gets cancer and I'm so scared. I don't know what to do, and no one seems to care about me? He's going to die, and I'm going to have to raise the girls all alone. What do I do?
When he recovers, our sex life is so shot. He can't do anything for ages because of surgery, chemo, and radiation. I feel like a shriveled prune. I should be happiest now; he's healthy, I'm young, I have two beautiful daughters, yet he still chooses that damn computer over spending time with us. Why? Why?
I'm numb now. I can't give anymore. I'll just suck it up.
I go to my girls annual weekend, and we hit a spa. It's refreshing to get dolled up. They convince me to try and wear some makeup, make myself look good. When I get back I buy some new clothes and start to feel sexy. If my husband notices, he doesn't say anything. Oh well, I feel alive.
Our ten year anniversary blows by like just another day. He buys me the same flowers he always does, but I don't care anymore. He still plays his damn games, and doesn't want to hear anything I say. Then in the spring, he stops, cold turkey. He starts to spend more time with me and the girls, cooking meals, and talking to me.
I thought this would change how I felt. But it doesn't. I'm cold inside, and he's killed something in me. But I suck it up.
Then on Father's Day, I come home from work, and he's watching a movie downstairs. I'm tired, and just want to go to bed. We had a fight the night before, over sex, and I just want to sleep.
He comes into our bedroom while I'm reading and asks "Are you happy?" I feel the adrenaline surge in my body and say "No, I'm not." He asks if I want to talk about it, and I say that I just want to go to sleep. I roll over, turn out my light and he heads downstairs. I feel so relieved. No more lying. No more pretending that I love him. That everything is okay.
The next day I see that he's been awake all night watching movies. I ask him why, and he says he couldn't sleep. He asks me if I love him, and I can't lie anymore. I say "Of course, you're the father of my children." I see the pain on his face, but I can't lie anymore. I have to go to work, but I tell him we'll talk when I get home.
Everytime I see him, he's crying for us to work this out. I hate coming home now, work is so much safer. No heavy talks, no pressure. I hate myself for hurting him and what this will do to our daughters. His family will hate me.
He's changed! He's losing weight, eating foods he never would have tried before. He listens to me, spends more time with the girls than ever. He hardly ever uses his computer, just the bare minimum. He's exercising, and reads more self-help books than Dr. Phil. But it won't last. He's too stubborn and set in his ways. How can I learn to love him again? I need space to figure out what I want. I can't do that in this house. But I can't leave my babies!
Now months later, I still don't know how I feel. I love being with him, he's my best friend; he's a great father; I even told him that he's a great guy. I'm proud of the changes he's made; they seem to be sticking.I want him to be happy; I don't want to hurt him anymore. I don't think I'll ever love anyone again; I don't believe it works. I want to fall back in love with him, but I don't know how. We're so different. Our MC is a really good guy, and I feel like I'm opening up. H is so impatient though. He wants to go back to our first year together, right now! Doesn't he realize this will take a long time, if it works at all?
Geez Pin, I see a lot of my W in your post. I was the same way as you to a tee! Can I just copy and paste yours and switch a few things around? LOL!!! Although my W is in overdrive!!
Yeah, what I find sad is how similar all our stories are. It's not that we married the wrong person, or rebounded or stuff like that. It's just that we didn't pay attention, didn't know how to communicate our needs, and didn't know how to listen to our spouses.
All the infidelity stems from these two issues. So although infidelity complicates reconciliation, it's really a symptom not cause of the problems in a R.
I could not say it better myself! Not communicating (speaking and listening) effectively between eachother our needs, wants, and desires. And not paying attention by providing our spouses with love, security and respect.
As LBSs we spent a lot of time to figure out their perspective. Most of the WASs are acting so selfishly, as a defense mechanism, to protect their "image" in out head, to justify our love, we try to understand and then explain their behaviour.
Oh, I think my wife understands my perspective pretty well. She knows me very well, but the only thing that really confuses her is my changes. The other night I was reading "7 Levels of Intimacy", and I said that one thing I really wanted to change about myself was working on forgiveness. She was shocked that I thought I needed to, and that she was amazed at all my changes. Like I could just pick something to change, and it was a done deal. Made me feel really good.
She said she wished she could be more patient. Then the next day she said she wasn't 100% honest, and that she wished she could change her feelings back right away and have our marriage be happier.
Don't underestimate your spouse knowing how you feel. Especially post Bomb, the pain you're going through is a palpable thing. And they know they're causing it. Why do you think they want to get away?
I don’t know if I can do this. I know 1/2 of the problems of m belonged to me so take this with a grain of salt.
I grew up a spoiled brat my parents gave me everything I ever wanted. When I was 24 I decided I was tired of collage guy's so I started dating a great hard working guy from my hometown. He was a little older than me and somewhat settled down. Wow what I change from the college jerks I had been dating. I pursued my husband because he was a great guy who would make a great dad for the three kids I planned on having. I was still in college and lived 140 miles away from my hometown and the man who I would marry. Living 140 miles away from him made the heart grow fonder, I drove the 140 miles to see my soon to be husband as much as possible, he was so nice, sex was so great, he was everything I ever wanted. I did my job so well I got him to ask me to marry him in only six months, I finished school and moved home 11 months later I was married. I was so happy because after being married I didn’t have to do that yucky sex thing anymore because I had him. After 6 months of marriage I decided it was time to bring c#1 into the world, after d10 was born I saw no need for that nasty sex thing again, until I decided it was time for s7, when s7 was born my boring no fun hard working husband didn’t want any more kids but I wanted 3 because when I was a little girl I dreamed of having three kids. About this same time my dad got real sick and I had to take on lots of responsibilities and run the family business while my dad went to a far away city to get well. My dad rewarded me handsomely for taking on new responsibilities by tripling my salary, my boring hard working also changed jobs and started making 2 times as much as he had and he wasn’t working 300 hours a week any more, we had more cash than we knew what to do with so we bought my dream home in the country club, new cars for every one, boats , sea doos boring husband started worrying about all the debt we had so that jerk starts working more and don’t always eat lunch with me any more, husband is boring but life is good. When rugrat #2 turns 3 alarm goes off its time for new baby so I start doing that yucky sex thing and this time we have a bonus Twins. Moody, boring, Jerk husband does not want any more kids says he is going to see doctor to keep this from happening again, I tell husband not to because with twins dr has to cut me open anyway so he can fix me then. Twins born Lazy, boring, stupid jerk of a husband lets dr cut out my baby machine, so ther is no reason to have yucky sex thing with lazy, boring, stupid, jerk husband, but with twins we both have a kid to feed at night so we feed kids during middle of night, talk life is good but husband is lazy, jerk, works too much. I am perfect but married to worst man in world, so I go to old collage town and have fun, leave twins with husband, lazy jerk, husband checks my emails and catches me cheating, we fight husband almost files for d I tell husband how sorry I am but he caught me before anything happens life is good. Next 2 years I plan on how to get rid of lazy, snooping, stupid, jerk, husband, and keep my parents off of his side this time (You know I have expensive taste so I cant cut off the money train, and hubby is not going to provide like he did) so I wait 2 years start new A with man I work with, tell parents how lazy, stupid, jerk, child abusing husband beats our kids, and has anger problems, and a girl friend. Mom gives me all the money I need so I file for d, hose worst man in the world down in court, take 45% of his pay, cry because he wont give more, and mom gives me all the money I need. I tell mom H is lying I am an angel she believes me then that sorry dirty STBEX of mine takes pictures of me ond om1 sneaking into our house for nooner and sends pics to cash cow mom. How dare him, I will punish him by not letting him see the kids.
Sorry kind of long
M40, W 37 M 11 1/2 y T 13 y D filed 5-18-10 S 5-29-10 OM1 discovered 6-5-10 Counter sued for d 6-16-10 OM2 discovered 8-10-10 OM3, OM4 4 kids 10, 7, & 3 D date 10-14-10 http://tiny.cc/mxzct
I have been here reading all these stories for about two weeks and decided I need to post my story since I am not like anyone here.
I was in my early 20's and not very happy. then I met this boy who treated me nice. He made me happy, for a while. I lived with him for 6 years. It took him forever to propose. When he finally asked me to marry him, I said yes, I thought this would make me happy again. Besides, I didn't think I would find anyone better. Well, I still wasn't happy, but maybe a house will make me happy. We bought a house together. That made me happy for awhile. But I still wasn't happy. I thought a baby would make me happy. How about a second one? Now I am unhappy. One more baby maybe? No that didn't work....
Why am I so unhappy?
Maybe if I start hanging out with one of my H's male friends....That might make me happy. This feels good, but something is still making me feel unhappy. All the other ladies I know are happy. The divorced ladies are really happy. The only thing constant in my life is my H. I realize HE is making me unhappy. I know, divorce will make me happy....
MsR2C
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
