Blindsided, Just served with papers!

[dsh4320]

Kids are in bed, it was a tough night when it came to bed time. My kids just wanted to hold me, and kept saying daddy hold me, it made me cry a bit, not to the point they were concerned, but was really tough. Thye kept saying they loved me, all night at times where they were watching a cartoon and my D said , daddy I love you. S says he doesnt want to go back to mommys, I took a lot of pics of the kids tonight and sent them to FB, W still checks my FB I know this bc she constantly asks about my random posts. W didnt call tonight to talk to the kids, not really bothering me, she has them most the time right now, so its not a big deal. My kids are so confused right now, it really sucks for them. Bot I was upbeat for them we had a great time and they enjoyed their time with me, I cant complain.

[dsh4320]

Im about to hit the sheets, and I thought of something tonight. About A week before the bomb, our Mastiff who is a four year old female was thought to have fungal pnemonia, could be fatal, but the W cried and laid with her on the floor back then. Since then she has been recovering and our vet said its just a bacterial infection fo the lungs. The mastiff is god now, but when separated she had the chance to take the mastiff with her, she said she didnt want to separate the dogs. Here we are, I had to put one down 3 days ago, and the mastiff and our S's akita are with me.

She could have taken the mastiff, Akitas are very dominant and dont need a sidekick, I told the W take her with you, she said her landlord does not allow dogs. @ things came to mind, she didnt want the extra weight? Could my W not know how to love? I question this a lot. SHe is not a bad mother, but she seems to be disconected with our kids. She thinks being someone who puts them to bed, feeds them and organizes their daily grind is a loving parent.... but that isnt it. I hold them, tend to them and put their needs above mine, that is where we are different.

That is the difference, when she strayed, I put my kds first, was I hurt? yes. Did I protect them? yes. In doing so did I piss the W off to no end? yes but i didnt care about her feelings, she chose her path and it did not seem to bother her what she was doing to the kids. So I shielded the kids from her actions.

This go round she seems to be "together". But she has no clue how hard it is. She is going on 2 weeks of this, taking care of the kids, and working 60 hours a week. I did it for 6 months, it wasnt easy but I did it.

I dont think my W knows how to love someone, maybe its her childhood, maybe its her lack of love from her family off and on for so many years. She has issues she either deals with or they will haunt her for the rest of her life.....

[Lotus]

That's sad, dsh. But you may be right. I hope for the kids' sake that it isn't true. But it could be true.

[ris]

It sounds to me like it could be a difference in LL?

[TimeHeals]

our Mastiff who is a four year old female was thought to have fungal pnemonia, could be fatal, but the W cried and laid with her on the floor back then.

She loves this dog. Don't fool yourself. Your wife is also in pain emotionally.

I hear what you are saying. It's natural to ask yourself these questions too. Can she be a good wife and mother? Is she just immature (some people take immaturity to the grave), or is she just very focused on the present (where she feels no joy) and the past (where there is anger, sadness and regret)?

You say you put your kids/dogs needs before your own. You have to take care of your neeeds to be able to take care of their needs (like that oxygen mask coming down in an emergency on an aircraft--you put yours on first, and then help those around you, or you will be no help to anybody).

I think you are just thinking ahead, planning for things that may happen, trying to anticipate things in the immediate future, and that's good, but if your wife is not doing that, then all talk about the consequences of divorce and so on is going to be wasted breath.

I think you are begining to detach, DSH. The next step will take you beyond judgement to empathy when you are ready.

Your wife may not be making realistic future-looking plans (and I don't know if she ever did), and if that's the case..., then her focus must be on the present, the past or both.

It doesn't mean she can't love, and that she doesn't want to be loved. If her focus is not primarily future-oriented, then it is that she didn't feel loved

The Time Paradox

[TimeHeals]

PS. So that it doesn't sound like something on the MLC forum.

I am sure you have your problems, she has hers (your kids and dogs have theirs). You dogs, for example, are very present oriented, and they live on event time. My dogs are in a hyper mood because it's past "walk time" (happens around sunrise after "Dad" has his cup of coffee). I love my dogs, but they are not good about planning things. Not one bit.

You can let go with compassion. You loved the dog you put down, but you thought it was "the right thing to do" under the circumstances. That is a good way to think about things: what is the right thing to do?

You have no choice at this point but to let go, but you can choose to do it with compassion. All it takes is a little empathy.

This is a time for both of you to grow. She is an adult, and she now has the opportunity to do just that just like you do. Be open minded about it. You can change, she can change, and your kids and dogs can change.

This doesn't mean you will be reunited. I can't accurately predict the future.

[dsh4320]

Lotus, Ris and Th.

Lotus, I agree hope its not true.

Ris, During our first S, I was told to read up on the LL's the issue is I feel my W's LL is constant attention, which exhausts me. When I gave her that, it was draining and it did not feel "healthy" for me. Maybe she needs someone to be all about her, usually that is the case with most R's in the honeymoon stage, but not for the long haul.

TH, you are very wise in your advice. Actually the help here is unbelievable. I do feel she has not looked, or wont look at the long term affects of her decisions. But that is something I cannot fix or show her the "light" on. I almost feel I am being Db'd by her. I read one of Coach's or PDT threads about this very thing. In a way the WAS starts the tactics, not really knowing about what we learn here, to move on.

It appears she does everything she can to stay as busy as possible, taking on more and more, which she has doe in the past during our M and gets to a point of crashing from it. It is her way I believe of vealing with what is going on in life. Sometimes when I see her she looks like she is so tired and drained she looks near death. I hope for my kid's sake she does not get to the point that she neglects them. When my kids are with me they are and feel I am "there". The w has so much going on I dont think they get her "full" attention. But again I am not with them or her so I dont know this to be true. Just a feeling I get from the way they are with me. Time to take the kids and dogs for a walk around the lake. Going to use the rest of the weekend to spend time with my Brother and also get more done around the new crib.

[TimeHeals]

I do feel she has not looked, or wont look at the long term affects of her decisions.

Communications 101: you think that she hasn't looked at the long-term consequences.

You do not feel this. You feel things, but this is not an emotion. This is a judgement.

There's something for you to work on, and it's very present-oriented: What does DSH feel?

List of Emotions

This may be a very good judgement. You know better than me.

But what does that tell you?

I feel my W's LL is constant attention, which exhausts me. When I gave her that, it was draining and it did not feel "healthy" for me.

Just a thought here, but what if it was constant because she was always trying to get something from you that she wasn't getting? Again, I don't know. But is it possible that while you were looking forward, making plans for the future, and so on... that she just wanted you to let her know that she was "special" ?

I don't think you would have come here if deep-down you didn't believe there was something very special about your wife. How did you show her that?

More importantly: can you see it in her in your interactions now? If you can see it, then you can say it ... not because you want anything from her, but just because you see it.

[dsh4320]

Good points TH, I do know that I did not make her feel special. I am a good provider, father and bascially have my sh!t together somewhat, but that does not mean I did everything a good husband should do. But again I cannot, in the present situation make her feel special now. It would be looked at as pursueing which cannot be done at this point. Maybe this was the breaking point and there is no looing back now. The only way I can make her feel special is "if" she ever starts coming back around.

[TimeHeals]

I cannot, in the present situation make her feel special now.

Why not?

would be looked at as pursueing

I am not asking your to pursue her. If she wants a divorce, then I can't see why you would want to be married to somebody who wants to divorce you.

But if she does something nice or thoughtful, or if you see something good in her actions, why can't you tell her how "magical" that is? I see magical things in my STBXW sometimes, so .... ?

You don't have to argue with her decission to leave the M to be observant and mindful.

See if you can shift your focus a little more toward the present moment when you are with her because I think you are a very pragmatic, forward-looking guy.