About the "aha moment". I think we all get there some day. Maybe not as quickly as we should but we eventually get there on our own timeline. I think I might have had mine last night.
You're doing a great job dealing with things.
Good luck with the house. Hope it works out for you.
M 38 WAW 36 Together 19 years Married 12 years Bomb/Separated Oct. 09 I love my wife Sitch
I know the feeling well, IDU. Despite how crappy the situation seems, you get some small nugget of sunshine that makes you believe that maybe, just maybe, they are coming around.
Then they go do what your wife did. It doesn't mean there is no hope - it just means somehow you allowed yourself to FEEL hopeful based on whatever. Which is why you took it hard. Don't worry - it took me about a dozen iterations before I developed an ice cold view of everything my W does, good and bad from a relationship standpoint.
In reality, her calling your lawyer should have zero impact on your action plan. It's irrelevant. The emotional impact just shows you have some work to do. No big deal - you've handled worse things.
Accept that you are divorced and act accordingly - but that doesn't mean you can't have hope that somehow a miracle will occur. Just take the view that it is POSSIBLE, not necessarily LIKELY. Nothing wrong with that, anything is possible with God and you have to believe He's at work. But your W may choose to reject that, and that's her problem.
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
Don't have much time so I'll have to make this short.
Talked to my L on Wed. To expedite things, she said she wanted to file a motion of temporary custody to get W out of the house and kids placed with me. She had another appt. and told me to call her when I got home and give her some info that she needed and I would have to come in at 6:30 a.m. the next day to sign it so she could file it. By the time I got home, I talked myself out of it. She called me back to tell me to reconsider and said my W's L would tell her to do the same thing. Still I said no.
I guess I just don't have it in me.
W had her appt. yesterday. After the kids were in bed last night, she asked me to come outside with her. She said she did not hire her L, just had the free consultation. She did not counter file, said she wanted to use the same L and work it out on our own. I said that was fine with me. She also said some things about the 40% child support that she is entitled to. My L also said that. She said she doesn't want that much. It wouldn't leave me with enough. We could sit down and work that out, too. She went on about school and sports, how we needed each other to get the kids there. If she could continue to live here and get out of debt as much as possible, etc.
I did the best I could. I agreed that we need to get divorced. The other questions she had, I said I would have to think about and we would discuss them later. She said it was fine, she didn't expect anything to be worked out in a matter of days. I didn't try to change her mind, the only thing I said in that respect was when she said she told her L that, "...we just grew apart, there were no affairs, no abuse, he's a great dad...." I told her to please stop, I didn't want or need to hear what she told her L. In the end, this is your choice, not mine or not ours.
I'm sure I should have been more aggressive and pushed her more. I agreed with everything.
I accepted the sitch. I will not try talking her out.
I'm at the point I should have been a long time ago. I thought I was there a few weeks ago.
Is the only thing left to do is be happy around her with all of this and keep the ball rolling? Slow down and let it sink in? Is this a turning point?
I know I still have hope. I think I have tempered it with reality.
You need to decide what it is that YOU want in terms of child placement and what you are willing to pay in support. What is fair for each of you to be able to live and properly care for your kids. If she stays in the house, where will you go? Will she be able to afford it? I am seeing my appraiser tomorrow to figure out what we are going to do. Probably sell it. I don't think I want to spend that much on a house payment by myself and W won't be able to afford to live there.
It will be best if you can work it all out together without fighting, just be sure about what you want and stick to your position. I am trying to do the same.
It will be easier for you to be happy once you are separated and don't have to see her every day. I don't even think about W that much anymore, although I do have some questions as to how to handle her that I will post on my thread later.
Be happy! Find a good place to live and have fun with your kids. W is all worried that my kids aren't ok when they are with me, but they are just fine. I'm still pulling all my sh!t together at the new house, so it took some time away from them, but they need to meet the neighborhood kids anyway. They had fun at my place.
I think you need to keep the ball rolling. Keep on keepin' on buddy. You will be fine before you know it.
Hang in there and keep coming back here for support when you need it.
She said I could keep the house and didn't have to buy her out of it. I would like to and probably could if I refi'd. IDK. A lot of things to figure out and the more she talks, the more I know she hasn't even thought about. She just wants out. I have finally given her that.
She even talked about staying here after the D. I wanted to say - are you f*****g kidding me? But I said that is something I would have to think about.
I know she still wants the convienence of being M without the hassles of getting a D. I have to let her face those and not rescue her. Trying to do it without being an s$$. If I would have answered her last night, that's exactly what I would have been.
Glad you could control yourself. Lots of times I can't. Like when she was leaving when I was moving out and I told her to "Have a happy life!"
On the refi, my mortgage broker told me that there is a government program where you can refi your current loan amount without having to get an appraisal done. I may be looking further into that myself in the near future. The problem without that kind of a program is many houses aren't appraising high enough to even refinance anymore. It's just disgusting. Really bad timing.
My W doesn't have a plan or clue either. She has no idea what I will have to pay her, no idea about how/where she is going to live. When I told her that I was just worried about us not getting into a desperate financial situation she just said she isn't as worried about it as me. She watched her mom go through lots of hardship over the last 24 years without her father and just assumes it will all work out somehow and she will survive. How naieve is that?
When my W said she wanted to stay together until the D was final because we couldn't afford to live separately, I suggested maybe we live together until the hose sold, even if that was after the D was final. She said there was no way she was doing that. Additionally, I told her that if she didn't want to work on the R, I didn't want to waste any more time living with her. In fact, she stressed herself out so bad that she couldn't even live with her first suggestion, so we are now living separately, even though we can't afford it.
No rescuing. Keep moving forward to get this resolved. When she sees the reality, it may shock some sense into her.
No rescuing. Keep moving forward to get this resolved. When she sees the reality, it may shock some sense into her.
It is past time for her to face reality. If it makes her see what she is doing, great. If not, it's still her decision.
BTW, I have rec'd several txt from her today. She has never used the cute little txt shorthand with me. You know, lol, ttyl, lmao, etc. She has today for the first time.
I think I would be alright with the refi. We got our home and land pretty cheap. I just don't know if it's what I really want. We'll see.
My W's family is pretty close knit. Her brother got a D but that's really the only one. He has tried talking to her, but she avoids him, she doesn't want to hear it. And they are all pretty solid Catholics as my W once was. What happened to her faith? I know, the addiction.
I am really trying to put it in God's hands. It's up to him now. I can't do it. I know that. I have known that. Just didn't want to admit it. Look how much time I have wasted and how much it has affected me.
I know my W is stressed, too, Dan. Maybe now that it's all out in the open and agreed upon, she is more relaxed.
Not getting my hopes up at all, but it is funny how everyone was right; give them what they want, agree with them and it takes most of the pressure off.
She even talked about staying here after the D. I wanted to say - are you f*****g kidding me? But I said that is something I would have to think about.
I know she still wants the convienence of being M without the hassles of getting a D. I have to let her face those and not rescue her. Trying to do it without being an s$$. If I would have answered her last night, that's exactly what I would have been.
"You wouldn't mind then if I started dating before the divorce is final then."
"You wouldn't mind then if I started dating before the divorce is final then."
a dilemma your wife has not been faced with yet.
You're right, Steve. I don't think I will be the nice guy any more and let her stay any longer that necessary.
Had a good time at the reunion. Went for breakfast with several people. Was invited to go on a wine tasting tour with some couples and some single girls I went to school with. I told them to count me in.
A lot of people asked where my W was. I didn't go into much detail with anyone. The people I stay in touch with and are close too already know. All in all it was a good time.
Nothing else has changed. W will be in a good mood for a day or a few hours at a time and then turn back into the crab I have gotten used to. I am getting much better at just letting her be. I almost don't have to think about it anymore. If she bitches about the wash or dishes or whatever, I just smile and go do something else. I don't stop doing the wash or anything, it's part of my responsibilities, too. I just do it my way and if she doesn't like it, she can re-do it, or learn to live with my way of doing things in my house. It will only be for a while longer, then she can do things her way when she's on her own.
The kids and I went to my sister's house yesterday for a bbq. I have several nieces and nephews that are around the same age so the kids always have a great time. We ate, played horseshoes, washers, rode 4-wheelers and had a great time. In the past, I have always told my W that she was welcome to come. This time I did not. I told her where we were going and if she had plans, she could come and pick the kids up at 3:00 and have her time with them. She said she didn't.
When we got home, I got everyone in the shower and got them ready for bed. I didn't ask her for help. I told the kids to go tell mom hi and get ready for bed. One of the twins got into some poison ivy on Sat. and was up a lot on Sat. night itching and just uncomfortable. We lathered him up with calamine lotion and gave him some benadryl. I did the same on Mon. before we left. I told him to wear a long sleeve t-shirt so he wouldn't spread it to anyone else. During the day, I kept putting calamine lotion on him but didn't bring the benadryl. It didn't really bother him all day.
About a half an hour before we left to go home, he started complaining about his eyes itching. It had spread to his face and up his chest and other places. When we got home, I immediately gave him more benadryl and got him in the shower. When he got out, W started in on me: Why did you let him play outside, why did he wear a long sleeve shirt-that only keeps it moist and doesn't let it dry out, why didn't I do this and why didn't I do that?
I let her go on for a while and then just said, "W, you weren't there. I made sure he was taken care of. I didn't give him benadryl, I forgot it at home. He was fine all day long. He needs to go to the Dr. It is spreading and benadryl and calamine lotion is not going to stop it very quickly. I will take time off of work, call the Dr. tomorrow morning and take him in." She said she would do it, but agreed he needed to go to the Dr.
After their showers, they all wanted a snack. That started her off on another tangent. Why didn't I feed them? Why didn't I make them eat? I didn't get defensive and told her that they did eat. They wanted to play. They ran around like crazy all day long and ate and snacked all day long. They were just hungry. We got them a snack and put them in bed and I went to bed.
