Yes, I went through hours of past journals yesterday - my, how horrible it's been. Next is to revisit my old posts here. I have to have something tangible and in writing for the L.
It's hard because I know I feed the problem at times, I sure lost my temper at him the other night in a way I hadn't done in a long time. But I must keep moving forward and not let his Mr. Nice Guy convince me to back down.
You're doing great. Please write down everything nasty with dates you glean from the review. Keep a copy for yourself and anytime you think of labelling anything he does as "nice", pull the list out for a reality check. He hasn't changed.
JOURNALLING: Trying to stay on track. My old self is back: feeling guilty for starting a big D fight, H may lose his pilot's licence, time with his child, etc. Feeling like if I made problems too why should I fight him- I'm just as guilty for this all going downhill. And finally, after a pleasant back to school night yesterday with H, I'm scared to disrupt the status quo which is finally FINALLY calm and not abusive (much).
I got back on here to set myself straight! Read about how people have to stand up for themselves and move on. Take action - if the WAS wants a D, give it to them in full reality. Stop letting them cake eat and have everything their way according to fantasies of having everything their own way.
Reminding myself that Little Bo Peep has gotten me nowhere except doormat status for the past year.
SO I found this post and want to share it - if only to remind myself! "Yes, if you're marriage is over, and if your ex is being rational, and is putting the kids needs above their own, then I think the LBS needs to put aside their pride and anger and try to have a good relationship with their ex, for the kids' sake. If they're in fogged out "I'm doing what I want to be happy, no matter the consequences to anyone else" mode, then no, I don't think the LBS should be their friend, at all. The LBS should kick the WAS out of their life, and do everything they can to protect the kids from their wayward parent's impulsive destructive behavior."
This is just what I needed to hear after this week. Tuesday I emailed H to say I was sick and needed him to help with S5 - even though it was officially "my night"...a 180. (Not only is S coming home early from kindergarten, H is going away on a vacation this weekend and I am taking S for four days straight!). I told him this would be a nice way for him to make up some of the time with S that he would be missing. I told him I was having a hard time taking care of S.
H only replied he had "friends in town"- who are these people? - (I'm sure visiting with OW as well) and would not come. When I pressed him (a 180 - trying not to be a doormat, and trying to point out his selfishness) to ask if he could either reschedule or arrive to his gathering after putting S to bed, he never responded.
Then on Wednesday he emails and asks if he can have extra time with S that afternoon?!? No mention of how it went with me being sick, how did S do, etc. Wed is his night, but he usually comes at dinner and so I thought how rude - he wants visits when he wants them and doesn't want to be inconvenienced other times (including OW and god knows what else - partying?).
BTW I ignored him until he texted later and then I briefly said we were busy and he can come at his usual time.
The old me would have dropped everything to let S see his dad - out of the guilt that dad is not around this coming weekend. Just to be friendly and nice and make everyone happy. This new me felt like a jerk, but H hardly noticed - saying "it's fine, no big deal."
That's when I read posts about selfish WAS's especially those with OWs and now I feel stronger again.
I think I'll move onto "Infidelity" even though I"m filing for D. Could also go in "Separated" I guess. So friends, don't lose track of me!
I have to vent.
They say someone who has OW is in a fog, but I am the one coming out of a fog. I can't believe it took me so long to come out of denial because of my "love" for my H and my desire for my son to have an intact family.
I now see: That the past year, not only was H lying to me that we may reconsile by going to MC, he was abusing me and S emotionally and verbally while he went back to his OG (Other GIRL - I'm sure she's no woman - the girl H dated before me was 17 - and he was 28!). I mean it just all hit me. I could see it all clearly like a movie in my mind. He has been lying, cheating, and abusing me. For over a year. Before she came into the picture, we had been living apart, but it was agreed it was temporary, that we would start MC on month four and work on our M. Then it turned on a dime and now I can see it all.
I am disgusted and furious.
I was cleaning my kitchen, going over this in my mind, and imagining telling H to tell his girl that the little boy she met so "casually" the other night is in a broken home because of her - because of her encouragement to keep a married man from facing his problems and working on his family.
Then H calls. He's away on some stupid gaming conference(why not - life is all fun and games these days for him, right?) and I'm home alone with S for four nights. Which, by the way is a most welcome respite - no anxiety attacks!!!!
He wants to talk to S and of course I have to let him. But I was in such a state as to be cold as ice. For all I know she's standing right there with him.
I know Allen recommends saying these types of things directly to OP but I in no way can stomach meeting her or talking to her. Should I send him such a note? Or just go NC and go through lawyers?
Anxiety attacks are back - H has been gone on a four day weekend (and thank god because I had an amazingly calm and happy weekend)...he's back tonight and I have to see him tomorrow for the handoff and I'm already having a huge panic attack, can't think straight...
I don't know what you are doing to help with your anxiety. One thing that helped me get grounded was this exercise which focuses on your physical environment. When you feel anxiety:
Name 5 things you can touch. (say it out loud and touch them).
Name 5 things you can hear.
Name 5 things you can see.
Name 5 things you can smell. (scent is very powerful and if there are certain smells that calm you, use them!)
Oh yeah, and remember to breathe. Gnosis reminded me of this many times. Deep breaths help a lot.
You are getting stronger and you are much stronger than your H.
