My H last night brought S to his house and introduced him to OW. Without talking to me about it. He seems completely unconcerned at how this may or may not affect S. Not to mention the lies, which he blamed on me - saying "well, you said you didn't want to talk about her." Of course, I had also said I wasn't comfortable with S being around her - and he said he didn't remember this. Of course I don't want to talk about her casually, but when it comes to my son I want to talk about everything.
This kind of stuff just freaks me out. They are just SO SELFISH--they want to give the impression that this is just all fine and dandy when IT IS NOT!!
I'm so glad you are able to do something about it.
What a dick. Totally 200% inappropriate for him to be having S around OW at this point.
That said, I don't know that any judge will rake him over the coals for that. They're generally not keen on a parent trying to micromanage the other parent when they are with the child unless we're talking something illegal or flat out life endangering. It's probably good to keep track of this info for your lawyer because you don't have this all settled legally yet, but don't expect H to be knocked over the head with a couple stone tables of "thou shall not let S hang with OW", "thou shall not let S stay up past 8 o'clock", etc.
He's never going to do everything as you would or even as you would like him to. You may adamantly think your way is best for S (and it very well may be), but unless his way dangerous or illegal, no one with any authority will be able to make him do differently. You're going to have to bite your tongue lots of times. It's just the way it'll be, unfortunately. I've uttered the phrase, "different houses, different rules" many times to S.
Are you going for joint custody or are you trying to get sole? I know your state works differently than mine and I remember us talking a bit about it before. We don't generally do joint physical custody here as a rule so that was one battle I never had to fight.
Me38,H:38,S:7 Married:6/99 Bomb:7/04 Sep.:5/05 D Filed:3/08;Final 1/10 Piecing:11/09 H moved back:09/10 Current thread: http://tiny.cc/htcty
Yes, of course I can't control him. I can't even talk to him. When I do, he calls me crazy.
My state automatically gives 50/50 to both parents and this is what is in the Separation Agreement. But I spoke with a lawyer ystrday. It's going to cost me a mint, but she is going to request H pays all my legal fees.
Here is what I have: he shows signs of illegal drug use, and possibly dependency (see my earlier threads). The lawyer's father died in a place crash because he was flying when high. She wants to file a motion to not have H take S up in a plane. Included in the motion is to "maintain status quo" which means H has S one night overnight per week and comes here to the house to visit the other two nights. He has to use civil language to both me and S.
That's the short term plan - this week! OMG I am so scared. I know H will think I"m making things up for revenge - tell me I"m crazy, that this is nonsense, that I"m lying, and he'll badmouth me to people. It's going to escalate the recent calm we've had. But I need to reclaim some power here and stop letting fear of his anger control me and get me to give in.
The long term plan is to fight for more custody. I start by asking for sull, and I suppose I"m lucky if I get 80%.
Hope, you are absolutely doing the right thing--your H NEEDS to have the wind taken out of his sails and the calm only makes you have those unrealistic fantasies about what you wish he was--and you need to keep focus on what he REALLY is.
I have my own battle going on here--I'm going to remove the tile in my S's bathroom (it has mold growing in there--so unhealthy) and I'm also going to be installing the appliances that have been sitting in my garage for 9 months now (!) and expect a complete meltdown.
Funny thing is--when I do end up doing these types of things he respects me for it!!
Hey everyone - rereading my posts. I'm there. I'm ready to fight for myself and my son. I'm going to get the D I want, and I'm moving on. I'm out of denial now. No more excuses for abuse or drug use. I'm getting it all down legally no matter what the cost. I will not take the blame, the rage, the humiliation any longer. I will stop listening to his crap and pining for a fantasy relationship that does not exist.
You're doing the right thing Hope! This is kind of what I was trying to spit out last night-don't lose sight of the forest and all that. Him having S meet OW--not the best parenting decision. Him talking to your S the way he speaks to you--that's something worth taking a stand over.
I would make sure you plainly tell your L details of his verbal abuse and intimidation towards you and towards your S. Maybe even print out some of your posts from here so you have specific incidences to elaborate on to give her an idea of what he's capable of.
You're not making things up. At this point, who cares what H thinks of you. You're doing this for your S--for him directly and for him to be able to have a happy, confident, strong mom and not see a woman beaten down by words.
Me38,H:38,S:7 Married:6/99 Bomb:7/04 Sep.:5/05 D Filed:3/08;Final 1/10 Piecing:11/09 H moved back:09/10 Current thread: http://tiny.cc/htcty
Totally 200% inappropriate for him to be having S around OW at this point.